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whom to convince - husband or parents?????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chetavani50, Oct 29, 2014.

  1. chetavani50

    chetavani50 Gold IL'ite

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    My close friend is in a very pathetic situation. She is married for two and a half years. At the time of her marriage, there was a war of words between her parents and ILs and ultimately that has lead to my friend's situation of deep dilemma. Her DH is totally against the girl's parents and the girl's parents are also adamant in this issue. Her DH will not send her to her mother's place and her parents are not willing to come to her in-laws house for fear of losing their dignity. My friend is suffering in between them. Her DH is good except that he will not allow her to talk to her parents. Her MIL and FIL are also good . Her MIL took care of my friend when she was pregnant and even after delivery. She gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl. Her parents did not turn up even then. They don't even call their daughter as to how she was or how their grandchildren were. My friend's in-laws take care of them. She is working and when she goes to office , her in-laws take care of the babies. No complaints.
    But this girl is very home-sick. She has rejected all foreign alliances for the very cause of not being far from her parents. And now it has turned up like this.
    She is desperate for her parents.She is not able to convince her DH nor her parents.Any advice or suggestions from IL ites???
     
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  2. twity

    twity Bronze IL'ite

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    I am might be wrong..but I don't think she need to convince her DH, I don't see it worthy since the parents felt their pride/prestige is more important than their daughter/ grand kids.
    If they are not there to support her during very critical phase of her life pregnancy and deliver and they dint mind to see the grand kids i don't see love from parents side.
    Even for most of love marriages the families accept for the sake grand child.
     
    4 people like this.
  3. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Chetavani,

    Tell your friend to be assertive. Your friend should be confident not to allow any one between herself and her parents. You have quoted the outline. But we dont know the real intensity of the talk or the situation happened or the words used in those situation because of which girl's family prefers to be out of the scene as their girl is happy with her inlaws.

    In all these days, did not your friend and her husband had any uncomfortable situation where words jumped from either of them because of the heat of that moment? Did he divorce his wife or did she leave her husband?

    In all these days, for sure some word war might have happened between your firnds husband and his mother/father/sister. Did he leave them or turned away as he is doing to your firends parents?

    In case the situation is other wise, will her husband be without talking to his parents?

    Every one can falter. Your friends parents have not come to see their Grand kids due to fear of loss of dignity. May be they could have feared if they visit , that could be a problem to their daughter.

    Just for some silly reasons, you cannot tell parents to keep away from their child. Parents are always parents. The way they show their affection may differ, but all paretns love their children the same way.

    Your friend is working. So she has got a chance to reach out her parents. She can definetly do. Why should she be so loyal to people who dont care of others feelings. Tell you friend either talk to her parents/husband & inlaws in a fairway and make aware everyone that she cannot leave her parents . If this does not work, tell her to get rid of her home sick by visiting her paretns house often during her office hours.

    Since the rule framers are males, they made our society to yield of to their husband's wish. A girl same as a boy child. it is not wrong to not to yield to husband's wish in all matters. Husband are not life savers as they are seen now. Husband and wife relation ship is a mutual one. Wife is equally important to her husband as the husband is important to his wife.

    So be assertive and try to make relation normal; if that is hard to happen, then visit your parents with the knowledge of husband family ; if that too you cannot make it up, visit your paretns house without your husband's family knowledge.

    At any cost don't be away from your parents. Small faults needs to be ignored. Teach you husband. Make your husband aware that he too has a daughter.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2014
    3 people like this.
  4. indubalram

    indubalram Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,
    As your friend is working, she can call on her parents or her mom whoever is closer to her and tell them her feelings. Or call some mediator in her family and sort this out. This will give her satisfaction that she has communicated her feelings to her parents.
     
  5. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    She should call her parents and make them understand that she needs them. But y would her parents not even visit the grand kids? Don't they want to have a relation with her? Arent they longing for her?
     
  6. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    Any one who separates a woman from her parents can not be good. If the MIL was indeed good, she would not have expected your friend to cut off relations with her parents, regardless of her wishes, and her parents' wishes.

    The MIL had to take care of your friend so she would not have to depend on her parents. It was done just to ensure your friend does not contact them, and remains eternally grateful to MIL for all her help.

    The arguments occurred between this girl's ILs and parents. Why is the husband getting in the middle of it? What if the lady also says she won't have contact with ILs, because they also were involved in the arguments? This is not the way to lead a happy married life.

    I can understand ILs not visiting her parents, or her parents visiting ILs. But husband should care for her enough to let past issues go. He should have accompanied her with DD, and tried to mend relations. Even if he does not go, why does the wife need her husband's permission to visit her own parents? She is an adult, and husband is not her guardian.

    She should be firm with her husband. She should point out that after every thing, she is still maintaining good terms with ILs, who have separated her from her own parents. Also, she should say that this situation is making her see DH in a less than endearing light. As her DH, she trusted him and expected him to stand by her through thick and thin. Now her belief in him is shaking. She should convey that it is clear to her that her feelings do not matter to him. She should tell him bluntly that when their DD asks why she was kept away from her maternal grand parents, it would be husband's responsibility to explain.

    I think it is pathetic that a grown, earning woman has to take permission from others, who do not care about her feelings, to visit her parents. Ask your friend to be firm in dealing with these people. She should go and visit her parents with DD, if husband refuses to go.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2014
    1 person likes this.
  7. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am facing similar issue although my viewpoint is different.
    My husband is also upset over my parents as they had some bad conversations with my ILs. Not with my husband ever.
    but he treats that as insult to his parents and does not want to talk to them or allow them in my home.

    I am also not leaving my parents. I make sure I talk to them everyday and meet them as and when possible. This is because my parents were also insulted in verbal fights.however i have not agreed for my husband's wishes of not meeting them or calling them to my new home in pune.Yes there is lot of struggle for it but I cannot leave my parents.
    They have also done the same for me as my husband's one. I am tolerating my ILs at my new house also even though they have insulted me /my parents.
    however my husband lacks this lookout.

    but ask your friend to be in touch with her parents. she may repent in life when they will be old and nomore. believe me.. I know saying is easy but I am doing that and even though i face lot tensions in my married life I weigh meeting my parents/being in touch with them more.I cannot make my parents suffer because of small verbal fights which were done from both ends.
     
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  8. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Just going by the basis of what you have posted...

    Both the sides have exchanged heated words, how come only she is not allowed to meet her parents whereas her husband is living with his parents? Doesn't your friend think this as a biased situation? What makes her think that her ILs and DH are good? I don't see a bit of goodness in their mean, male dominated behaviour.

    I am sure her parents are staying out of her marriage so that she can stay happy, it's not that they don't love her. They love her enough and they are humans with pride. So, I do not see anything wrong in what they are doing.

    Your friend seems to be totally spineless, she is working and still is not independent or assertive.

    Her DH and ILs are happy because their DIL lives her lives for them and earns for them and the grandkids are totally theirs. Unless your friend does something to change this status-quo, she will not get her parents. She seems to have no self-respect or she has any respect for her own parents pride and dignity. She seems to be so happy with her married life being smooth.
     
    2 people like this.
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...your friend seems to be a good wife and dil....not much of a daughter.
     
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  10. sanarthi

    sanarthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Priyanka,

    Hats off to you. If every women has this kind of attitude, then the girls family can enjoy more respect and dignity...

    Regards,
    Sandhya
     

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