Whom do you turn to if your spouse does not listen to your advice?

Hello,

As the proverb goes, you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink!

You are able to clearly see that she realizes what she is doing is not healthy. There is no reason to nag her or get someone else to nag her about it. It doesn't help. It would stress her out more and she'd watch more telly as that seems to help her unwind. IMO, you should back off on this subject.

I get a feeling that your wife is trying to escape immersing herself in telly. As rewarding as it is, staying home with a toddler is an exhausting job. (I do it; and am speaking out of experience) I suggest a different tack. Try to get your toddler on to a proper routine and get her in bed by 8 PM. So, after that you both will get some couples time. To start your toddler on a routine, suggest gently to your wife that you miss the togetherness you used to have; then both of you do your research, agree on how you both will work towards establishing the routine and commit to it.

Then, once you get couples time, talk nicely without the telly a couple of days a week; watch a movie a couple of days; give each other foot massages, whatever it takes. The trick is to slowly and steadily get your wife to unwind with you instead of with the telly... Surely, it should work. Good luck.

 

I don't know how to fix it now,

She being in US with a toddler and not much of adult conversations around she might be finding it very difficult.
But once the child start going to school everything is going to be auto fixed . I never saw sun raising till my daughter went to school. Now my cooking for the day is done before the sun raises.

Story of our lives.

 

Hi,

Don't tell her that its not good for health etc but tell her that u won't be able to sleep unless she is besides you. Don't you hv romantic night business to do Tell her that once our kid get to bed we can talk with each other or plan something etc Switch of the lights, hold her in ur arms and talk with each other,give her warmth of ur touch. It's not like everyday one should do the sex if tired, but cuddle in each others arms,have sweet talk on any topic,try to find what's on each others mind etc and probably she will look forward to come to bed before you

 

This is coming from someone who has done this. How old is your kid?

After spending whole day with toddler, cooking, cleaning, laundry et al... it used to be my "me time". Just being able to sit quietly and not think of anything was very calming. That was my way of unwinding. However, long term it started taking its toll because of lack of sleep. I was becoming more irritable. I eventually stopped it myself.

First thing, get your child on a schedule atleast sleepwise. He/she should be sleeping by 8-9 pm. Let your wife watch TV while you take care of this. The quiet time is much needed. Before bedtime say 11 pm... turn off tv and have a conversation about anything under the sun - your day, her day, co worker, politics, schools, future planning, relatives, weather...... just a conversation between 2 people. It needn't be done everyday but break the pattern. You can carry on this conversation to your room. Don't force her - some days she may still want to watch TV.

Instead of advising breaking the TV pattern, just do it without emphasizing the fact.

 

you know:
She could be bored. she has a hormone issue. she has to take care of a toddler who could be going through the terrible twos-threes. you know she knows that it is not healthy.

now this reminds me of my very rude experience with a dietician who said you know you have issues, you know that these are side effects of the issues and yet you put on weight..now if i knew the solution, why would i be going to the dietician. that she was so rude, that i made it a point to work out my issue on my own is history today.

the above point is to say, maybe you know everything, but yet there is that elusive thread in the whole issue that could be the solution this. and that could be communication.

She is taking solace watching tv could mean it is slowly becoming an addiction or she has started relating to the serials. a cousin of mine started watching a serial because she was wound up after 15 hours of working and slowly the addiction grew and she started watching the serial even if she was at somebody's home as a guest for dinner. and another friend of mine used to relate to the family dramas that happened in the serials to her life and discuss and compare notes with another friend..(we have all types of people..)

I agree with Pranjjal. you can definitely make going to sleep together (the same way we tend to put our kids to sleep) a must.

infact i believe, that the involvement and concern should be more in the form of action rather than advice from the family.

I suffer from insomnia and there are days my husband would say, you don't need to sleep if you are not sleepy, but just lie down with me. and there have been days i have been lulled to sleep because of that.

I also believe certain issues need to be solved or worked out between the couple. with a little more coaxing, love and affection,change of routines and a little more involvement, that is more than sitting with her and watching TV would go a long way. Maybe you need to have a switch off tv and family time after 9.00.

you can discuss about your day, you can take a walk outside in the night, or you can just have a cozy calm time with some music.

On a lighter note, advice is something that is better rationed out even if it is to your own kids:coffee. and a wise person once told me that advice is valued only when given when asked.


your wife right now needs your help, your love,your understanding, maybe ask her to work out by pitching in to take care of the baby. being understanding does not mean just understanding what a person goes through, but being there for them and showing them by making a few changes that really makes them feel cherished and loved.

maybe talking to her about a hobby, a new book, or something that really interests her and slowly take on from there.

P.S. Even a slight change in hormones plays havoc to the moods, the body of a woman.

 

just could not resist posting this forward that i got as a mail from a friend.. though not related to the op's issue..:cheers

 

A habit can only be broken by another.

 

Dont worry much about it. I am saying this since I do it too I am a SAHM with a toddler adn Yes I get bored baby sitting for the whole day and I really feel I need some time for myself. And my toddler's sleeping time is 11-9. So I sleep from 1 to 9, which means I get enough 8 hrs of sleep. I have tried changing his sleeping time but in vain. So I have just left it thinking in less than a year he would start schooling. Then obviously both of us have to get up early and then it shouldnt be a problem.