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who spends money if u go to India

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pebblebeach, Apr 28, 2007.

  1. puni88

    puni88 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello,
    Everytime we face the same issue.
    We end up buying groceries for 6 months, bucket for bathroom, spoon/vessels for kitchen, foot rugs etc. This list goes on...
    It happens when I visit alone also :evil:
    My MIL will be competing with me for buying hairpin, bindi etc.
    Visiting India won't be a pleasure trip, it will always be a 'fearfull/terror' trip for me. They won't let me to go to my mom's place, cook food for everybody all the 3 times, clean the house etc.
    My MIL would not give me even pillow, blanket for me and kids when I visit them alone, I have to take half of my mom's house to my MIL house while visiting them for a day or two.
    I end up going to shop early morning and buy milk for my kids.
    Anyways, I have come a long way now, I don't care about her tantrums now and I have the strenght to talk back to my husband also.

    -Punitha
     
  2. coolcool

    coolcool New IL'ite

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    Hi all, nice to hear all of our ILs experiences.
    No need to say, people in India thinks NRIs get money from the tree they planted in US.
    I don't mind spending money for FIL/MIL. But, all others are treating us as "take it for granted" (including SILs)
    When we visit India, we buy groceries not only for MIL, for SILs too (order by MIL). Apart from that, when we leave India, we need to gift money to SILs, BILs and relatives(all his side).
    According to me, India visit is Gain for MIL family(including sisterinlaws) and expenses for girls parents side.
    For husband - happy but loss of money
    for us(wife) - cannot enjoy seeing all these and unable to spend lot of time with our parents.
     
  3. radhavenkatesh

    radhavenkatesh Silver IL'ite

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    i am really astonished with all ur problems
    here i see a reverse story altogether who ever visits its our turn to spend on anything :)) we r no NRIs but still somehow we feel its our duty to keep them happy whn someone comes home after long time and see tht they dont remove their purse for anything
    maybe the situation is bcz expectation levels are different for all u ppl come home for love affection and face the situation to make ur purses khali
    we r three sisters one brother but none of our sisters ever expected anything frm our brother even if my sil brings something we tell her not to spend like tht and we inturn try to give her something which suits her and she likes
    even for rakhi i try to send a lovely dress for my brother and sil both
    maybe all will not be like the way u feel .
     
  4. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Radha,

    I am sure not everyone falls into that selfish category. Like you, my relatives in India too are fair minded and do not expect anything from us and nor do we from them. But not all are same, we have read enough examples here. It is really sad for the young people who are longing to visit their homeland and are troubled with all these problems.

    L, Kamla
     
  5. Lavanya

    Lavanya Bronze IL'ite

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    Kamla,
    I had to stiffle a smile when I read your post "have a sensible & intelligent conversation with your husband & he'll inturn do the same with your in-laws"... if only that's as easily done as said then, life would be a rosy place for sure!

    I know ils of friends who would like to have anything from scrubbing pads (like scorch brites) to condensed milk tins from US... they've even suggested that they (parents) spent on their son(s) earlier in life so that they (sons) could take care of their parents & provide them with everything in their retired life. Also the converse in their dil's lives isn't true as they supposedly are not connected to their parents after marriage. Sometimes makes me wonder which era we live in!!!
     
  6. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes Lavanya, I get you. If the husband was the obliging type, why would so many women have these in-law problems?

    Long time ago, a friend of mine cried her troubles out to me. She said that she was so fed up of their relatives in India. She said that they returned from India only with their clothes on as on the day of departure, her husband's brother even wished for the shoes her husband was wearing! She said she would forget ever going to India again!

    L, Kamla
     
  7. radhavenkatesh

    radhavenkatesh Silver IL'ite

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    To be v honest maybe NRIs shd stop gifting altogether i find so many gifts which come like razors lipsticks,shirts , trousers, color beads,hmm let me rember ,hair clips,soaps, perfumes,makeupkits,nailpolishes, shaving lotions list is endless, i just feel maybe they buy these stuff in cheap or in lots and start gifting to all whom they come across , bcz they are gifting ppl r expecting isnt it?? better give some one to parents and ask them to buy wot they want rather than spending on such stuff and feeling altogether we r spending so much but since somany yrs i find such gifts even if i dont visit NRI vistiors i get my packet of such stuff :)) which are of no use to me i never use such stuff and ruin my skin
    i am indian and wud prefer to use ordinary lakme or revlon products which are available always :))
    there shd be a drastic change in both the givers and takers method of thinking . Y gift and let them expect best is dont give or take :)
     
  8. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    :)
    True Radha, almost all who go back to India after their first few years abroad, load themselves with all sorts of articles to present the family and the extended family and all the friends they know. Even those who come abroad for holidays make their beeline to the local dollar shops to hunt for interesting gift items to take with them. I think in striving to please and in thinking that foreign countries oveflow with rare and precious little things, we have created our own junk yard and troubles:) The dollar shops are filled with articles made in India(!!), China or Korea etc etc.
    Best thing is to go with light baggage to India and buy the local sweets, flowers, clothes etc in India itself. But try explaining this to the eagerly awaiting relative in India wondering what is in that big suitcase or try convincing the visiting NRI that it is okay to go empty handed....that will be the day!

    L, Kamla
     
  9. kswati

    kswati New IL'ite

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    :yes: I felt it is my story!!! Even if my BIL is equally well earning my in laws feel its our duty to spend at home or anywhere.
     
  10. GPriya

    GPriya Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    Every single posting i read under this topic so far made me write my story too.

    Well, now that my MIL is dead, there is a little change in my hubby's attitude towards money. But locally in US, my hubby has 2 cousins (women) married with college going daughters and a brother married with 2 kids of 8 and 6 years old. All these visit us every year for 3 to 4 weeks during summer, stay with us and talk to my hubby about all their childhood stories and not very pleasant to me. Even the cousin's husbands r equally ruthless in their behaviour. They always forget their wallet whenever we go out and they never bring or buy anything for us. None would help me out in the kitchen or even set the table.... None is friendly to me howmuchever i tried to please them in the last 20 years. They all have cook (me)and a bank (my hubby) so they take advantage of us every year without even asking me if I would want to visit them atleast once.

    Talking to my husband about this is pointless as his love for his family is boundless and I just don't know a way to deal with this.. I am really sick of spending so much of money for these worthless human beings who has no gratitude, courtesy... so I told my hubby recently to donate the money he spends on his cousins to Sankara eye foundation or sivananda ashram, so that atleast those kids will have a better life and future...

    We visited briefly just for 2 days to one of his cousins for the graduation party of her daughter and God.. she didn't even cook the day we landed there (after 4 hours of flight travel) and she lovingly asked my hubby to take her entire family to a restaurant as his treat..bcos she and her family was busy prepping for the next days party..which is nothing but talking to caterers and friends on the phone. We landed there at 2:30 PM starved and took their family with us went to an upscale restaurant (suggested by her as the best food ) and had lunch.. and for supper again, we have to take them for pizza.. as her hubby forgot his wallet, I was totllay irritated and it is almost 6 years that happened and I am yet to forget their hospitality:idontgetit: . Inspite of all this, my stupid braindead husband doesn't get the message and how can I have a sensible, intelligent conversation with braindead people.

    Apart from all the gifts my husband buys for all of them, after 20 years, one cousin bought a saree for Rs.350 (a cotton saree) during her recet visit to india, and sent it thro her friend for me...and the saree has the receipt attached to it.. she knows i hardly wear saree and if i do, i wear my pattu and other mysore silk sarees for functions, concerts etc., why bother sending a saree knowingly its of no use to me...Though I called and thanked her for her generousity:mrgreen: I felt insulted and i told my hubby that i am going to donate this saree to some old age home in india..

    What can you say for this ladies...If only indian women can take life as western women, India will be full of divorced people... It is our patience that keeps our life and family together in peace.

    Great day
    Geeth Priya.
     

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