Who Is Right And Who Is Wrong?

More clarification here before I reply (later today or tomorrow) to each of the wonderfully thought out and written posts above.
1. One has to pay for ignorance and gullibility. Also, haste makes waste (most of the times if not always). Thankfully, the matter is not really serious but she is feeling deceived somewhere.


- The husband’s brother lives in a different city and she had not gotten a chance to meet him during the courtship.

- She had met her FIL every time she visited her husband’s home but she says she never found anything amiss.

- She says she was being honest with the man who would be her life partner and was expecting honesty back from him. It is true that neither she nor her family asked for any medical history or medical examinations.

- She is a working woman. She works as a teller in a bank.

- She says she revealed about her skin condition because her older sister suffers from a similar issue. She had not shared this with her husband and family dismissing it as insignificant. However, when her skin condition aggravated with change in season, her husband was worried if it is some contagious condition! She didn’t want to undergo that humiliation herself.

- I played the part of the sounding board initially and then the role of an amateur counselor! I think her man had fallen in love with her instantly and so didn’t want to ruin his chances of marriage. I said this aloud and asked her to check if that really is the case. If it is then with a heartfelt apology from the husband, baat will be khatam! Right?



2.

- Falling madly in love with a girl and getting married to her and then falling in love again with another girl baffles me to no end.

- Similarly, liking someone, respecting him whatever his marital status is, is acceptable but the desire to get married to him and live with him is plain silly/ immature or selfish.

- Liking someone who likes you back could only be infatuation that wanes off eventually. Wish there was a way to distinguish between infatuation and love.


All the adjectives used for F were to highlight that she has lived an impeccable life displaying an impeccable character. Not in her wildest dreams did X imagine her daughter to go astray like this. They are one unhappy family now but X has decided to try counseling for F to get her out of this situation. X is adamant and so determined that she is ok if F remains a spinster forever (Since F claims that she cannot love anyone other than Z) instead of being a homewrecker.


Letters of Alphabet were used only to facilitate sentence construction while typing.


3. Yes, @paru123, I get the same vibes. She is still emotionally attached to her ex since she seems to be keeping tabs on him.

 

@Rihana, please please don't think that your replies are taking over the post. I am extremely happy to have here replies by stalwarts like you. I am of the strong opinion that all posts auto-solicit the entire gamut of POVs. Only when a situation is understood from all the angles will we learn something significant from it. So every reply you ever make to my posts will have an implicit thanks from me.

At the risk of sounding outlandish, what are these medical exams exactly about? Several younger family members have gotten married in the last decade but primates like me were out of the loop.

Respectable family = no homewreckers/ no members with vices worth the mention/ most members settled down professionally and/or personally without any issues worth the mention. I realize I was not clear about it but I mentioned "respectable" also to mean that any issue with the family that this young lady hails from may not be the reason for eligible bachelors from turning down the proposal.

From my latest conversations with her, I am convinced that she is still emotionally involved with her ex. Till she comes out of it, I think she will not have the intention to settle down with anyone else in matrimony and so may be... just may be... the match seekers that she is seeing don't get the right vibes from her... if there's any such thing in this world!

 

Thanks a lot @Viswamitra for replying to my posts. Your perspective helps me understand it better.

You are right but the fact is that the son is the 3rd generation in the family to experience the manifestation of the defect. The boy, before him his paternal uncle and before that the boy's grandfather's brother had this defect. It's a speech defect that results in delayed speech and stammering.

This is a precious thought. How would the lady have weighed the "rest" of her fiancé vis-à-vis this genetic defect running in the family is a big question. Sometimes it is better one does not know it all because decision making would then become unnecessarily extra challenging.

This is sound advice. I was thinking that F is severely wrong somewhere but I couldn't pinpoint it. You have hit bull's eye. If Z and his wife were divorced then F could have gone ahead with her feelings but not when he is still married to his wife. This was the biggest mishap on her part. I wish she had had the clarity to realize back then what a mess she is getting into and then seeking help/ advice from someone to view the situation clearly.

Most extra marital affairs come to light when there's any intimacy between the two people involved- when they get caught or something. What do we make of a situation where a person falls out of love with their SO and starts dreaming and fantasizing someone else even without expressing it openly to anyone or without taking any steps to make their dreams work out in real life. When someone other than your SO wins your heart and rules your mind?

 

I mean when a married person does not get into the physical aspect of building a relation with someone they like outside their marriage but replace their significant other with someone else. Would that too be an extra marital affair?

 

@anika987, thanks for sharing your POV.
1. At the first glance, I too wanted to hold the husband at fault but on deeper thought I realized that it was his selfish interest of winning her over that made him act this way. Not justified though, IMHO.

2. It is unfortunate that Mrs. Z has to face all this emotional turmoil due to the frivolous behavior of her husband and her friend. I don'tknow her but I feel sorry for her and wonder why the universe is making her go through this. She could have avoided this unfortunate turn of events only if she had not made the haste of getting married to Z immediately after falling in love with him. Even if she succeeds in holding on to Z, I wonder if her self respect will let her forgive him and forget the embarrassment.

3. Her case is totally dil hain ki manta nahin! I have asked her to work intentionally on moving on. In such cases , it's not time but the intention that can help one to move forward. I hope she can help herself.

 

Hi Malstorm, thanks a lot for your insightful reply.

 

@paru123, thanks for writing in.

I had my doubts and your post made to explore it further. On discussing it further, it turned out that my doubt was correct. So now that she knows what exactly it is (on her side) she can work on addressing it. So thanks much.