Who is being wronged here??

The outcome will be disastrous if there is no compromise from either one.
Here, I think the woman should go with her husband. Even in one of the earlier threads where a husband wanted to go back to India and the girl born and raised in US was reluctant to go because she was apprehensive about the future, my suggestion was the same. As that case so here too the woman should go with her husband. It is not in who is bending for whom but in the interest of their happy marriage she should do that.......JMO!

 

I think beyond the job issue, is a priority issue. The husband seems to care more about his career than his wife's feelings. Everyone feels strongly about different things... the wife felt strongly about staying in India and hence said it early on in the relationship, but obviously the guy doesn't feel that strongly about US job or he would have mentioned his long term goals before now.

JOBS COME AND GO. Afterall, it's not our jobs that make us who we are. The guy should ask himself, if that US job is worth hurting his wife so badly. And if it is, I think he should have never gotten married in the first place.

I was in the same place about a year ago. My dh got a job offer in a different state with a great company, paying double of what he makes now, in the state we eventually wanted to move to. And he really wanted to go and have me stay alone here in Florida, and eventually join him in the new state when I was done with school. But that thought hurt me SO bad. I was totally against it and made it clear that if he was willing to live seperately from me for more than a year all because of a job, then he shouldn't have married me. In the end, he understood my feelings and turned down the job. In return, I told him that once I graduate, he can search for a job in whatever state he wants, and I'll look for a job wherever he gets one. As the months have gone by, we reflect how lonely we BOTH would have felt had he accepted the job. Our relationship is more important than anything... job, money, whatever. Once a couple realizes that, these issues aren't so hard to tackle.

The point is... for me, my dh moving away would have been HORRIBLE. and for my dh, turning down the job was just 'bad'. Where as I would have been devastated, he was just dissapointed.

So I think, if one spouse is going to feel extremely hurt with another spouses decision, another alternative has to be made.

Instead of an individual asking "What kind of opportunity is this for my career" or "What type of opportunity is this for ME".... I believe we should ask ourselves, "How does this affect my relationship with spouse" and "How does this affect BOTH of us". Because when you're married, it's not just ME ME ME, so when weighing the pros and cons, you should let your spouse add in their pros and cons too.

In my own personal life, I've had the opportunity to consider auditing jobs with top four accounting firms. But I don't consider them, because they could potentially take me away from my home for months at a time. Bigger salary, bigger brand name, better resume.... but what does all that matter to me, if at the end of the day it hurts my spouse? Not worth it.

 

Wanted to add... if the wife is more concerned with her career than just 'being in India'... maybe her and dh could make a trip to US to scope out the possibilities for her. They could talk to friends over here and see if there is a good job market for her industry. Bottom line... the move should be satisfactory to BOTH. Just because "he's the man" doesn't mean what he wants is right or that it should automatically happen without any thought to his wife.

 

I don't agree bringing in "I am husband" or "I am wife" thingy here. Why can't people separate their career and personal lives? Whoever got a better opportunity should validate their options and make a decision. Be it a wife or a husband. And the other spouse should be supportive as much as they can. Period. There is nothing more to it.

 

Because unless we can split ourselves into two different people, we can't so easily split our life down the middle of career/personal. Why is it that when it comes to parents, it's, WE MUST take care of them NO MATTER WHAT. But when it comes to our spouses, we are ready to sacrifice their happiness at the drop of a hat.

My sil had the same attitude in her first marriage. That having a career was everything, no matter how badly it affected her spouse. She used to work late every night and then go out with friends to socialize. She never cared that her husband was waiting for her at home. She figured her personal life could take place on the weekend, and work life was during the week. Well, needless to say they got divorced.

Definitely I understand the desire to have a career, after going through so many years of school and fighting to get your resume noticed. But at the end of the day I feel it's not our careers that define who we are, but the roles we play in life and the relationships we maintain. Guess I just have a different view of things.

The problem is, when you get married, I feel you give up the right to only think of yourself. Nobody is forced into a marriage. So anyone who enters into one should realize that it's not the same as singles life where you are only accountable to yourself. Yeah, moving to the US would be BEST for that guys career... but what about his wife's? What about her feelings? What about their marriage?

Instead of creating a standoff between themselves, they should discuss different alternatives or different life paths. For example, if they were soon planning on having kids and the wife would take some time off work anyways (be it India or elsewhere).... maybe they could plan on going to US so the husband could take the job, and then the wife could have kids while she was unemployed in the US. Then after a few years when she is ready to return to work, they could consider where to live.

Or if she wanted to pursue higher studies, now might be a good opportunity.

Or now that the husband knows he's capable of getting good jobs abroad, maybe he could apply for others and wait until his wife gets an offer too, and both move together.

Or if career is equally important to HER as it is to HIM, then maybe they should stay in India where they BOTH have career.

The problem is, the husband doesn't seem to be thinking of any alternatives for his wife to consider, rather he just see's everything in terms of what's good for HIM.