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Who is being wronged here??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sridivya, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Hi everyone here:

    I am here with an issue ...... Actually, it is not my issue at all but would be glad to know what all of you think of this situation.

    My friends sister lives in India and is married 2 years back. Both husband wife are in their 20s. That man is 26 and my friends sister is 25, if I am not wrong.
    It is a love marriage. Both of them are well educated. The woman is just settling in her job, working since last 2yrs. Her husband is also in a good job. He has recently got a job offer in the US which he wants to go for. Both are born and raised, educated in India. She is now slowly settling in a good company and building on her career thinks he should not go for since that will ruin her career as she will then need to follow him. She thinks both of them should build their career in India. Now, if he takes up this US job, she will be required to come here on H4 visa and then who knows how long to get this visa status settled and she sees this as a huge blow to her career life. She agrees for her husband going on business trips abroad but not settle into job there.
    She says that they both had so many conversations about this issue ( if at all either one gets an oppurtunity later) before marriage and working and settling outside India was not at all the option. Also, since both the parents live in India so they thought about it too. Taking up a foreign job was not at all in their priorities. They always wanted to start a family life in India and also were thankful that they both got great jobs in the same place.
    Her husband says not everything can go as planned earlier and since this offer seems great to him so he just wants to go for it. He says she is not even giving it a try....to go with him and she can always find a job in US later. Being on H4 for quite sometime will be a great setback for her...she says since she has already set off pretty good in her career life already in India. She just does not see any need for her to leave her well to do career and follow her hubby on H4.

    Both husband wife are having lot of trouble because neither one is compromising. My friend fears that if it gets worse then that may also lead to their separation. Is separation/divorce the only solution to this issue. What do you think could be the solution?

    Sridivya
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
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  2. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    Someone has to adjust and compromise. If both are going to be egoistic, I don't see what else the solution can be except to part ways and pursue their career ambitions.

    Call me whatever, but I am for supporting the guy here. With his resume, he is able to get an offer and he should not miss if that's what he wants. If your friend is confident that she can get a job as well, then why worry? May be have him go and get a job yourself and go in H1, right? Why is that you HAD to go in H4, if job is the utmost priority?
     
  3. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Nandhu, thanks for the feedback.

    It is my friends sister. She thinks she is wronged here because before they got married in none of their conversations they had set going abroad as their priority. Now, after couple of years into marriage he decides to take up this offer is what is hurting her. He wants to work and live here. OK now for her she sees this as him not keeping his word. He is well into his career and now this US job is luring him. But she does not want to leave her job back there or try for H1 because that was never their option.

    Hope something positive turns out.
     
  4. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Depends on what their priorities in life are.

    For ex: The guy must be thinking financially.Since the main motive of many to come to US is the money. He may think that its a financially viable decision to come to US, save and then go back to India after few years.

    The girl might be thinking of starting a family at this point so this may not seem to be a very good move. coupled with her career ambitions. It is not easy for her to give up her career to settle for H4.

    Some sort of compromise must be reached on. Either the girl compromises her career ambitions and focuses more on the husband's aspirations or the husband decides to forsake his ambitions for the girl. Now who compromises depends on whose ego is bigger:hide:

    In my personal life I have seen many women coming to the States for the husband. A friend of mine came to US with her dh for the purpose of saving some money to build a house in India. The ambition was fulfilled and its been 4 years that they are here and the girl sacrificed her flourishing career to settle for a H4 here. She is frustrated but has come to terms with it and instead is doing some home-based jobs. They probably now never wish to go back home:))
    Who knows your friends sis might even start liking it here. But she should be willing to make that change. she cannot dismiss a place even before she has seen it!
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
  5. Nandshyam

    Nandshyam IL Hall of Fame

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    She should know that the only constant in this world is CHANGE.

    I would be very much eager to know if she would OK this proposal, if both had got offers? then the past conversations does not matter?

    I think she should grow up and see the situation more maturely, with a forward thinking.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2010
  6. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    It is not like that. Many things come unplanned. We cannot chalk out events in our life beforehand. Marriage is not all about agreements and situations arise for which we have to come to a mutual decision. For ex: Both me and my dh are scientists. But my dh is in much more better position than me as far as experience is concerned. Tomorrow, he may get a very good position in NZ o Singapore, I very well will leave everything and go with him to support his dream. If I have the talent, I will find something to do no matter where I go!

    The friend's sister is making it a personal issue where it is not. Now she may be able to stop her dh from coming to US. But who knows the dh might hold that resentment forever, thus making their relationshiplittle difficult.
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Sridivya, your friend's sister is just sticking to her decision to stay in India. Not a solid ground for that too. She just wants her husband to not leave becoz she doesnt want to leave India. Marriage is a 2 way street. She is not alone here. They both are very young and now is the time to take chances and seek better opportunities.

    You also mentioned , hers is a love marriage.I definitely see incompatibility in their relationship. Agreeing /disagreeing is part of any marriage be it arranged or love. But here she is being adamant that he let this offer go just becoz she is building her career in India. Thats a heavy price to pay for anybody.Her husband has got a job offer here in US in such market conditions which itself is a great acheivement.

    Instead of asking him to stay back, why doesnt she let him go and take up the job. Meanwhile she can try to change status and try to get a job here in US even before she comes.I am all for women's rights, but here its her call to compromise.

    In case she persuades her husband to stay back and in future he will in probability regret this decision will resent her more. That might lead to a huge wall between both of them.If she is making good progress in her career why does she feel she wont make the same in US. It might happen if only she is willing to give it a chance.Good Luck.
     
  8. Cool1

    Cool1 New IL'ite

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    Certain things in life are never planned.I was supposed to settle down with my DH in some city but now he moved down to Bangalore with me for the sake of our jobs.It just depends on how much flexible we are. Maybe if your friend'd sister moves to US with her husband, she might end up getting something much better then what she is getting here.I think more then job and moving to another country, its a sense of betrayal and ego coming into picture.
    Men mostly think of future and fionancial security. She should be glad that her husband is thinking in this direction.
    Ask your friend's sister to first apply for 1 month long leave and join her husband in moving down to US if she does not want to quit. She can stay there for a while and then take a call. I dont think this is such a complicated issue. It only needs some sorting and practical thinking.
     
  9. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    I faced a similar challange in intial years of my life.
    I told my DH.. pls go ahead.. I'll join you as soon as I get a suitable job in your city..
    He told me how will u manage all expenses alone.. I told him.. sell of everything I'll move to a PG.. my ILs were aghast by this decision cos they just wanted me to leave job & sit at home and work as per their fancy & in their city.

    Incidently he got a parallel offer from a leading MNC with a higher package in same city where we lived.. my MIL threatened me to not to influence DH on his decision.. I dint tell him a word tho somewhere inside kept praying that he takes a sensible decision atleast in terms of higher salary.. we slept separate for the period that decision was taken.. .& he decided to remain in same city. MIL was terribly upset.. she threw tantraums & then got normal.

    What I feel is that you shouldn't stop anyone from pursuing their dreams & these dreams can be spontaneous as well.. also you should keep options open & if there's a will there's a way... and never upset the spouse by a direct NO.
     
  10. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    I think we are being unfair to the girl here. Suppose the situation was reversed .. the girl wanted to go to the US and her husband did not. Would he agree to give up his job and career to let her follow her dreams? Or what if he came here, and she left her job and came here and he hated it and wants to go back. Where does that leave her career-wise?

    The best thing to do is let the husband come here and try out his job for a few months. If he likes it, and likes living here, then she can come and join him. She can use the time also to see if she can find a job here as well. Many times, when a couple has to spend time apart, the career focus takes a back burner and being together becomes more important. If this is true for her, then is she has to come here on h4, atleast she won't repent because she knows it is the price she is paying to be with her husband.
     

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