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Who Got Narcissistic Spouse.. Their Traits And Dealing Strategy??

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SimplelLife, Mar 2, 2020.

  1. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    Good for them, that serves them (ILs) right!
     
    SimplelLife likes this.
  2. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Tricks no 2 .. if you have a narcissistic spouse be in good relation with his relatives and friends.[/QUOTE]
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hello
    I have read all the replies here .... but still have questions. Looking for help.

    1. What to do when ILs are equally nasty as spouse? I mean despite of being good to them in every way possible and many a times doing things going out of way for them, ILs are always on his side - no matter what. After all, blood is thicker... !

    2. My spouse is too good in arguments and an expert in putting me down in all matters. He has a very clear and ideal image outside but I know his real colors. I have 2 DDs. My elder one who is in teens now also understanding things and hate it to the core what he does to me but at the same time she feels horrified thinking what if I take a decision of divorce or living separate from my spouse. Though I have never told her that I am thinking on these lines but my DD can make out easily that this is one of the possible outcomes of her parents daily fights and dirty arguments (for absolutely NO logical reasons). She is afraid of me taking this harsh step and she has discussed this with me many times pleading no to think on these lines. I have always consoled her stating that she should trust me and help me in being strong - trust me that I will do whatever would be the best for all of us!

    3. I have tried talking with my H many times with clear head and heart but what I start as healthy discussion ends shortly in nasty fight and my blood boil - reason being he always makes me the culprit and starts shooting blame bullets on me stating everything that has ever happened wrong is because of me, that I am stupid, DUD, good for nothing and brainless. Every time this happens, something in me breaks and then refuses to heal. Now I have stopped taking initiatives.

    4. He is control freak. Starting from what to buy, from where to buy, how much to pay, what to cook - to an extent how to cook and what all ingredients in what what ratio to be added, what I should wear, Whether I should put lip color and coal or not! And despite of doing all as per his choice, he is still a mean critic finding faults in whatever I do. Now I have stopped pleasing him. Even stopped cooking for him. The only thing where he is least bothered is kids studies and other activities where he should be equally involved. He doesn't have time for that. How strange!

    5. He does not hesitate in cracking joke in front of people - at my expense. Making fun of me in front of everyone is his favorite thing to do. I tried making him understand but as usual, he put things on me saying that I am a spoil sport and that I cannot take a joke and I am always up to fight!! Now, I have kind of cut my outings with him. Just for the sake of kids, I go out with all.

    6. Above are a few traits I have listed, there is a long list. I am educated and self dependent female who believes in family ties, our tradition and culture and am God fearing. I am very high on patience level as well. But now I am feeling broken and empty. I cannot hold it longer. I am not sure how adverse it will impact my girls if I take a decision of moving out and living a separate life (without or with divorce) but I also feel what impact it will leave on my DDs when they will grow seeing their mother shattered and crushed, with low self-esteem and insulted every now and then....

    I am loosing my vision and confidence (which I know I should not be ).... that's how putting it here to understand how I can make things better.

    Thank you for your time ladies.... appreciate it.
     
    ImHuman and Angela123 like this.
  3. SimplelLife

    SimplelLife Silver IL'ite

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    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Hello
    I have read all the replies here .... but still have questions. Looking for help.

    1. What to do when ILs are equally nasty as spouse? I mean despite of being good to them in every way possible and many a times doing things going out of way for them, ILs are always on his side - no matter what. After all, blood is thicker... !

    2. My spouse is too good in arguments and an expert in putting me down in all matters. He has a very clear and ideal image outside but I know his real colors. I have 2 DDs. My elder one who is in teens now also understanding things and hate it to the core what he does to me but at the same time she feels horrified thinking what if I take a decision of divorce or living separate from my spouse. Though I have never told her that I am thinking on these lines but my DD can make out easily that this is one of the possible outcomes of her parents daily fights and dirty arguments (for absolutely NO logical reasons). She is afraid of me taking this harsh step and she has discussed this with me many times pleading no to think on these lines. I have always consoled her stating that she should trust me and help me in being strong - trust me that I will do whatever would be the best for all of us!

    3. I have tried talking with my H many times with clear head and heart but what I start as healthy discussion ends shortly in nasty fight and my blood boil - reason being he always makes me the culprit and starts shooting blame bullets on me stating everything that has ever happened wrong is because of me, that I am stupid, DUD, good for nothing and brainless. Every time this happens, something in me breaks and then refuses to heal. Now I have stopped taking initiatives.

    4. He is control freak. Starting from what to buy, from where to buy, how much to pay, what to cook - to an extent how to cook and what all ingredients in what what ratio to be added, what I should wear, Whether I should put lip color and coal or not! And despite of doing all as per his choice, he is still a mean critic finding faults in whatever I do. Now I have stopped pleasing him. Even stopped cooking for him. The only thing where he is least bothered is kids studies and other activities where he should be equally involved. He doesn't have time for that. How strange!

    5. He does not hesitate in cracking joke in front of people - at my expense. Making fun of me in front of everyone is his favorite thing to do. I tried making him understand but as usual, he put things on me saying that I am a spoil sport and that I cannot take a joke and I am always up to fight!! Now, I have kind of cut my outings with him. Just for the sake of kids, I go out with all.

    6. Above are a few traits I have listed, there is a long list. I am educated and self dependent female who believes in family ties, our tradition and culture and am God fearing. I am very high on patience level as well. But now I am feeling broken and empty. I cannot hold it longer. I am not sure how adverse it will impact my girls if I take a decision of moving out and living a separate life (without or with divorce) but I also feel what impact it will leave on my DDs when they will grow seeing their mother shattered and crushed, with low self-esteem and insulted every now and then....

    I am loosing my vision and confidence (which I know I should not be ).... that's how putting it here to understand how I can make things better.

    Thank you for your time ladies.... appreciate it.[/QUOTE]
    I don’t have a situation with bigger child so still unaware of its impact on children. Let me answer your questions one by one as you mentioned
    1. What do you mean ILS.. are they imidiate family member or relatives . In my case dhs imidiate family members are all mean, his mom is a narcissistic herself. But I have good terms with other relative. In case everyone around is mean just Stop doing anything for them from the point they support their son on invalid reason. My pils were complaining about me to dh and I stopped giving any answer to their quary.. I just ask them to ask your son, stopped sending them my child’s pics Videos and when they asked I gave them same answer .sooner or later they will realize. You wrote that you are God fearing person.. please remove this from your head, only this kind of people Got benefited with this kindness and karma thing. After a certain point you will be thinking about karma and all and you will mend your ways. Stop sound this for yourself.
    2. I don’t know about teen psychology part how it affecting dd. You try to tell her that separating as ok if it’s not working . I feel we need to instill this in out kids for their own future. Are you live around people who have strong view about separation and divorce. Though my dh is not good at argument but he picks one point and drag that around ... if you not good at argument do this. Just cross question him non stop z every argument ends somewhere. Comment over his behavior saying like no one survive around you or anything nasty. My husband is super good around his friends and he used to be good around his family too but when in laws came here for my delivery everything changed.
    Once he screamed in from if his brother and stopped going with him in get together .. off course he has an image to
    Maintain.. he have to mend his way .. last time his brother and family came here and I didn’t went anywhere with them not at a breakfast joint. I am sure he will hit his senses. I think only you know what things will works best with your husband. Try to be friend with family were wife’s are treated well. These people mimic behavior from around . If he is not behaviouring well stop everything.. stop contributing money in the household. Don’t care about long faces. Few days back husband complained to me because he need to find fault in me that he need to take my permission even for movies for inviting his friends .. what do you expect with a toddler
     
  4. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    I am sure you know very well that how they are going to behave or talk. Learn from experience.

    As they like good face in front of others, when they start blaming you, tell them 'this is why everyone is saying you are treating your wife very badly infront of others;they said you have some inferiority complex that why you are doing it '. Dont reply further, move away or answer any questions.

    If he blames you again and again. Say ' you can blame me as much as you want , I dont care , I dont need your certificate' or ' if that is what you think, you can , I dont care' , move away (they want you to fight). Or just agree (he want you to disagree).. Dont take any of these to your heart. Treat him like a helpless person. ( dont allow your blood to boil for these baseless allegations)

    Some times behaving like a deaf is a good strategy. ignore, ignore.. They want you to engage in their fight, argue and win. This will boost their confidence. Dont give that chance. IF you want to give it back, copy what he saying and talk it back or be ready with some replies.

    Take the control in you hands that's the way. For that you need to work on your self esteem and confidence. As you have kids , it better not to make the house a battle field. It will affect them. Try not to engage him atleast infront of kids. If he do again, make sure you have some thing ready to give him with taste of the same medicine. They cannot handle a strong, cool and bold lady. They want a weak person to succeed.

    Try to respond (stopping all service or not doing what he like you to do etc...), but not to react and fall in to his trap again and again. I am sure you will find out what works for you by experimenting. If he treat you well, treat him well. If not, ignore to the core. He should get the message.

    @liberatedpearl , poor kids, you can give confidence to your daughters that both of you will be there for you, even if you separate in future(if thats in your mind). Tell them this is not acceptable. What about going for counselling? .

    The most important aspect is being a a confident and composed person, defining boundaries, staying cool and not affected by his control tactics. As it its stressful, try to do meditation, yoga etc. Be busy with your activities.Do what you want and what you think is right. Be independent. Focus on yourself and your happiness. Dont depend on him for your happiness, find it yourself. Dont fall into their emotional trap and be a victim for them.

    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2020
    hermitcrab likes this.
  5. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your time and writing in.

    Yeah, may be I know how to handle it OR may be not.
    whichever case, I have to find my way..... may it be from wrong to right or right itself.
    Any which way, I am not happy so I guess I should not be afraid of any thing else.

    My only reason of worry is - If I go taking harsh step of separation (with or without divorce), I may have to cut my ties with my DDs paternal grandparents and relations on that side because my MIL holds very strong control. I dont want my DDs to be deprived of close relations - not sure if I am thinking wrong!

    My situation is too flimsy right now. I was doing very well in my career when we moved to Canada. Now after spending more than 1 year, I am feeling that I am not a right fit here and hence want to go back. Again there are many reasons behind this believe and major is un-supportive husband. I wanted a better future for my daughters and hence I landed in Canada but after coming here, my H showed worst of his behavior which I never knew existed. I saw a dirty side of him which came as a surprise to me after 15 years of marriage. I became dependent on him for everything (which we knew will happen initially for sometime) but he bullied me like hell. Now that I have started working, I am finding it very difficult to give time to my DDs and he lives in his own world. He is making us dance to his tunes. We are and were never priority for him (which was fine back then as I was independent) whereas all his attention and focus are either on his work or his parents and Sis. We (me and DDs) are struggling day in and out to balance our financial situation but cutting down on almost everything and surviving with bare essentials. He on the other hand is sending money to his parents for their lavish affairs like outings (including foreign trips), family dinners in fancy restaurants, buying new laptop and mobile (whereas old ones are still working fine) and for daily things as well like paying their internet, phone, TV, electricity, water bills and grocery bills. In short, he is running 2 house - in unbalanced way - without any need of it right now. My ILs are not dependent on him. MIL gets handsome pension (retired from Govt. job) and my FIL is still working and getting decent salary. They are living in their own house. I am NOT against son doing it for parents but our current situation does not allow it and also we never discussed him doing all this.... Once we are back in comfortable situation, I dont mind him doing all this rather I am a contributer myself!! I am not allowed to ask for basic things and I am always put on spot by asking IS IT NECESSARY? Cant You DO without it? I am not able to buy basic things for my kids wherein all these spendings of my H is killing me and raising many questions in my head and heart. Its not that I have never tried discussing with him but like all other discussions, we end up in ugly situation - he yells at everything without realizing that kids are growing up and understands all. Even he yells at my elder daughter as well now.

    So in nutshell, I am thinking of moving back because of un-supportive, selfish & dominating spouse who does not even care for his own kids - and this side of him was never known to me because I was independent always. I never looked up to him for any of my or kids needs.... its now when I actually needed support and what i got was heartbreaking! He is not IN for moving back but I cannot pull it longer. Atleast, I have some family support there which is missing big time here and so HE thinks he can rule me and treats me as his slave. I came here with hopes which are badly shattered. I am told repeatedly that I am taking the worst decision of my life by thinking of moving back - not only by him but by many others.... Somehow I feel, I will be better getting independent again in my home country - and for that I will certainly need little support. I am left with no finance (all given in this process of settling in new country) and I am back to zero but I still have hopes to make it better soon.

    What do you suggest.... pls. share your views!
     
  6. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    :confundio1::confundio1::confundio1:

    Seems like I have made my post full of problems and lengthy...

    desperately waiting to hear opinions and suggestions from lovely ladies here ....

    height....have logged in atleast 10 times by now
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2020
  7. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    LiberatedPearl you should create separate thread and copy paste your post for replies
     
  8. liberatedpearl

    liberatedpearl Senior IL'ite

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    Done PI - Thanks for suggestion!
     
  9. Tubinbataye

    Tubinbataye New IL'ite

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    I’m marrried to one. 14 years of marriage with 6 years of drift and 3 years of peaceful life . Yeah I moved out and living in a better place with my kids. These narcissistics never find solution for anything. All those behaviour are just to feed their ego and low self esteem. In my view there is no strategy to handle them.
     
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  10. Sony23

    Sony23 Junior IL'ite

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    Ladies i am also living with a narcissist, he thinks he is never wrong, he is soo good in manipulating me that i feel i am wrong..he is like my way or highway type of person, arguing and fighting for little things, i am tired ..really tired mentally and emotionally i am drained, every night i cry ..he never cares...there is no communication between us..he never listens..i feel depressed..but with kids i cant leave not financially that independent, my heart feels heavy and i feel sad...tired of fake smiling..i am in this just for kids..
     

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