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Whither Relationships?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Jan 26, 2014.

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Jan 28, 2014 #51

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Dear Bhucat,

bhucat said: ↑

Dear Satchi, Yours is a wonderful post....a true one from your heart....without any shell, indirect speech etc....

Thanks a lot my dear.

I still found not much comfortable when i make reply to relationship forum....but sometimes i do....because from the OP details to some extent i make out what was happened...some incidents are reasonable and some are over exaggerated.
So few posts makes me to post a reply, i want to share my views to those posts becuase may be i would have undergone similar situations or my friends would have faced such thing.

There are many times I wish I could help the OPs in some way, with some suggestions, but honestly, most times I know from personal experience how much "talking calmly one to one" with ILs or husbands is going to help. If the other party is open and willing to work for betterment, one can still do that or go to a counsellor, but if they claim there is no problem at all, then there is very little an OP can do. Just recently I saw a thread here where OP clearly said her husband refuses to talk to any counsellor and insists that only the elders of the family should help. There are only 3 options in such cases: grin and bear it, give it back or walk out of the marriage. The last of course is the most difficult. I can't tell them to do the first. If I give one of the last two suggestions, it will be misconstrued as egging someone on to ruin their relationships at home.

As you said i feel so happy and blessed to have such a nice MIL but i too have friends whose MILS are not like me...so i came to know how the ill treatment would be. sometimes it is difficult to tolerate but sometimes it is our ego to NOT to tolerate due to past bitter experiences....so we have two coins here..

I would say the past bitter experiences only put them on their defensive and they are unable to trust anymore. Let me give you an example. I have often mentioned what a rough time I had first 8 years of my married life. We moved out and then I generally avoid talking to the mil unless it is absolutely essential and stick to basic stuff, trying to keep as civil as possible. However, whenever she tries to be "kind" to me, I can't help wonder if there is a hidden agenda. One can say I am cynical and bitter. But recently something happened - she called me and started off being very sweet and nice and I wondered where the sun had risen. I too let down my defenses and was nice to her, but after the initial politeness, the fangs were bared (of course in her very sweet way) and I got to know what the agenda for that call was. It is a different thing that to avoid any ugly verbal exchanges, I avoided my first instinct to call her and give her back as good as I could. Instead I wrote a very politely but firmly worded letter telling her in no uncertain terms that she had no locus standi in telling me what to do or not to do in some aspects of my life like my mother's care - and that because they have never shown any concern for my mom or even been courteous to her. If they had, I would never have said any such thing.

These 10 years in between there was at least letting up of hostilities and we maintained a "healthy" distance. But her action and words that day ruined all that and we are back to the cold war. Who is to blame?

So I can fully understand why some women are unable to forget what has happened. They never allow them to.

But majority i can see some immatured DILS here.....may be out of experience they will gain the tolerance and maturity to handle MIL and their tantrums...but most of the time they never accpet it, they used to argue to the reply we make. I accpet that it is not mandatory to accept others ideas/views but they do not even reply politely.

Yes, surely, with the passing of years, one works out one's strategies. One knows what works for them and what does not. Again, what works for one may not work for another. Of course, I too have made suggestions in the past and come across posts totally trashing my opinion very sharply. So be it. I cannot say what is going on in OP's mind/life.

So as Viswa sir thread http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/241494-emotional-and-rational-mind.html says it is the individual's manners/ ethics when come to virtual world whether our identity is known or unknown we should respect ourself and our dignity which is utmost important.

I totally agree with him. As Aamir Khan puts it in that ad for "atithi devo bhava" apni izzat apne haath mein.

I know still we have so many friends in other forums who do not appear in the relationship forum that is not because they do not know to reply, many of them are even more experienced in life, MIL and SIL's but the only reason is manytimes it became a group politics cornering the odd man out, here the odd man is the person who is against the OP's view...

That as well as the fact that they may out of their own experiences know that there are no easy solutions. Each one has to do whatever suits her situation in life. Others can at the most make suggestions.
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satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

#51

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Jan 28, 2014 #52

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Hi Veeramachaneni,

veeramachaneni said: ↑

Satchi - Very well said. Sometimes when I read some threads here I can not understand why some one have to hate other person that much.

It is unfortunate that these domestic politics where dils generally speaking get the raw end of the stick thrives with social approval. It is not hard for hatred to flourish where there is no respect for the individual, whoever that individual be.

I just keep my self away from threads like that. I totally agree with what you have said about treating MIL,SIL's or anyone with little respect.
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satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

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Jan 28, 2014 #53

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Dear Gauri

Gauri03 said: ↑

Satchi - This needed to be said and thank you for saying it. Considering the mood that generally prevails on these forums, it takes some courage to stand up for the other side.

:-D Yes, sometimes we do have to bite the bullet, notwithstanding any negative comments if we want to get across our pov. Am really glad that members have received this thread in a very positive spirit and felt free to voice their opinions even if they do not agree in a very civil manner.

Almost everyone here has raised valid points. I will only reiterate that we need to be mindful of the fact that a selection bias is at play on IL's relationship forums, and the cases here are not entirely representative of the spectrum of marital relationships in the real world.

Very true, though my suspicion is that there are many stories of unhappiness which are not brought out in the open even on the forum. Anyway, that is my guess.

Sometimes when surrounded by a strong consensus that almost always leans one way, we are in danger of filtering our real lives through the same mindset. Negative expectations from those around us inevitably lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I would say yes and no to that. Yes, if people who have relatively uncomplicated lives start carrying out the negativities and projecting it in their own worlds. One needs to keep a certain degree of objectivity when on such forums to ensure that they do not get swayed by what they read.

No, if they already have unhappy lives - then it does not take a forum or negative feelings from there to be carried out to make their lives miserable.

Threads like these are gentle reminders that serve to ground us and reset our polarized opinions. They are much needed and always welcome.

Thanks a lot dear. :-D
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satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

#53
Jan 28, 2014 #54

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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coolwinds said: ↑

saw it's your thread and stopped by to read. i don't hang out on the MIL forums except if something interesting shows on the sidebar , so i have not read the thread, but i get the gist and absolutely agree with you.
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Thanks dear coolwinds.

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

#54
Jan 28, 2014 #55

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Dear Viswamitra,

Really happy to see you here. Absolutely agree with you, no two ways about that. :-D

Viswamitra said: ↑

Dear Satchi,

You are so right about being moderate in our words to describe other people irrespective of however bad the other person is. It is a big no no especially when it crosses the level of decency. I feel as an adult we have the responsibility to behave and treat others as we expect others to behave and treat us. Personally, I am comfortable if someone is genuinely affected by MIL problem and has no one else to share without impacting her life. There is a fine line between jovial comments to share a laugh with others Vs criticizing other women beyond the basic level of decency. Some rational thinking is needed before presenting something in an elite forum like this inviting members to comment. I don't mind emotions being presented without rational thinking as long as the post maintains acceptable level of decency. I tried to make this point before but without any success. You being such a popular writer in this forum, I am hoping it would bring some change.

Thanks Viswamitra for supporting what I have said. You too, are no less popular and I am sure your voice of reason here will carry a lot of weight.

Having said all that, as you pointed out in your post, let us not forget to address the genuine problems faced by some of the members even today. There are many DILs that are still facing problems whether they are younger or somewhat younger (See I am not using the word older with reference to women). In my opinion, Married Life and Relationship with in-laws forums are created to help each other by sharing information with fellow members. Each person's experience is unique and different. We have to apply a lot of patience and listening attitude to help them. I have read some of your comments in this section for couple of years and I very much appreciate your support to the genuine sufferers.

That is why I read your comments with open mind knowing how your heart melts for DILs who suffer in the hands of MILs. There are many women who are perfectly capable of handling such an ordeal without any help, while a few others have overcome that ordeal with the help of the husband or someone else. But there are a few who are still hurting and their cry should be heard carefully overcoming the noise that surrounds these forums.

Viswa
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Thanks Viswa once again for the words of reason and support.

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

#55
Jan 28, 2014 #56

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Looking forward to that Kamala. :-D

kkrish said: ↑

Hi Sats, my buddy

Thanks for encouraging me to post on behalf of MILs. I understand the need to bring balance.
However, I still strongly feel that I need to think about this- for compiling my notes and also to weight the pros and cons.

So let me take a break and when I think the time is right I shall surely come and post on behalf of MILs.

Besides I have to look back and bring out all the memories of my MIL whose very wise handling of herself and others endeared me to her.

Take care! Be happyl.
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satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 28, 2014

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Jan 28, 2014 #57

iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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Satchi dear I really appreciate the way you have written this thread. Though I did not give fb to this thought provoking post first thing I did was to nominate and glad I nominated your thread as the first nomination for February. Hats off to you and Kamala who always tell the right and both are very frank. It is difficult to be like that. Once I tried to write something in relationship forum which you also know and had to hear so much from everyone.After that I stopped writing here because of the fact that I dont know to defend myself. I agree with whatever you have written here. I wrote in married life because Induslady's request.Though so many things run in my mind but while writing I am not able to put it in words. I think for that you need not only experience but also should have studied in college and also should know to write good English which I am lacking. Experience has taught me so many things . I also have been in a joint family after marriage where lot of adjustments were necessary.

iyerviji, Jan 28, 2014

iyerviji, Jan 28, 2014

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Jan 28, 2014 #58

kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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Oooops! I goofed up!

The first point is my favorite and rump-card.
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mg:

whaatsmiley have I done? In this very thread where Sats is chiding folks for using poor choice of words!

the word should have been trump-card.

kkrish, Jan 28, 2014

kkrish, Jan 28, 2014

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Jan 29, 2014 #59

satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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Dear Vijima,

Thanks a lot for the fb as well as for the nomination.

iyerviji said: ↑

Satchi dear I really appreciate the way you have written this thread. Though I did not give fb to this thought provoking post first thing I did was to nominate and glad I nominated your thread as the first nomination for February. Hats off to you and Kamala who always tell the right and both are very frank. It is difficult to be like that. Once I tried to write something in relationship forum which you also know and had to hear so much from everyone.After that I stopped writing here because of the fact that I dont know to defend myself. I agree with whatever you have written here. I wrote in married life because Induslady's request.Though so many things run in my mind but while writing I am not able to put it in words. I think for that you need not only experience but also should have studied in college and also should know to write good English which I am lacking. Experience has taught me so many things . I also have been in a joint family after marriage where lot of adjustments were necessary.
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Vijima, I agree it is difficult to write the truth many times, because it loses one a lot of good will and friends who start perceiving you as partisan. But fact remains, that a true friend will point out if (s)he thinks that what you are doing is wrong while supporting you fully when you are in trouble.

Yes, I remember your thread from last year Vijima. I also remember how much members were incensed. It is really good to know that you were happy in the joint family set up and that you were able to adapt well with a lot of help from the male members as well.

However, times are changing. Many young women face difficult situations in the home. Is it that this generation of mils are going backwards instead of forwards? Many dils get very little help from the husband and they and their parents are generally treated very badly. It is but natural if they get upset when they read threads on how women (meaning only dils - not the mils or sils) should adjust, women should do everything to make marriages succeed etc. We should be able to see both sides of the picture. If we insist only on seeing one side of the picture, nothing will ever change. Hostilities will only increase.

On the other hand if this generation of dils starts behaving like their badly behaved mils, there is no hope for the future, because this feeling of vendetta seeking 1:1 revenge will turn to "i was ill treated by my mil, so i will do the same to my dil" before we even notice it.

satchitananda, Jan 29, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 29, 2014

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Jan 29, 2014 #60

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kkrish said: ↑

Oooops! I goofed up!
mg:

whaatsmiley have I done? In this very thread where Sats is chiding folks for using poor choice of words!

the word should have been trump-card.
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:evil: You too Brutus!

satchitananda, Jan 29, 2014

satchitananda, Jan 29, 2014

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