1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Whither Relationships?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by satchitananda, Jan 26, 2014.

  1. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,494
    Likes Received:
    25,333
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Disclaimer: All along I have been standing up for the cause of wives/dils who have been having complaining of ill-treatment - physical, mental or emotional. However, it is now high time to take a look at the other side of the coin. As educated, rational women, we need to be objective and ask ourselves whether we are totally blameless ourselves. At the risk of receiving brickbats, I feel the time has come for me to say something that has been bothering me over the past few months. I do not wish to sermonize, but I certainly want to bring a few things to the notice of our posters.

    A majority of us come here with problems of varying degrees with husbands and ILs. We could come here to get suggestions, ask for advice or simply to vent. I can fully empathize with most posters and their predicament - I have been through plenty myself even though it is nothing compared to what many ladies have been through and are still going through.

    However, of late, going through some of the threads, I am beginning to wonder whether the scepticism with which such threads are viewed by many members is totally unfounded.

    The reason for this is some of the claims made are really outrageous and trolls are constantly being called out. Some claims make me wonder if it is really so bad in today's age and era. But then, who knows? Nothing can be dismissed outright.

    Having said that, what is really upsetting is the fact that in the process of venting, having a laugh and sharing one's frustrations, many posters seem to be crossing the limits of decency. What they probably do not realize is that they are discrediting members with genuine problems and that they are going to lose any kind of sympathy of members. They are putting those who really require support at the risk of being discredited and trivialized.

    Reading a thread about mils and their quirks, I realized today that some of the posts are really retrograde. While some of them are a good laugh because they take a dig at human frailties, there are a few which run down mils and sils for the sake of doing so. Probably these posters do not realize that they are indulging in the same kind of behaviour they are accusing mils of - that is running down other women. They might not even notice it. That is why I felt, may be as one of you, I should bring to your notice that all this is not helping our cause. It is polarizing the members on the forum and perfectly balanced members whom I have always had a lot of respect for are reacting by going to the other extreme.

    Making fun of people's personal habits, rejoicing over people commenting on a young woman's unmarried status etc. are really cruel. If the same things had been said by mils of dils, it would have led to an outright war on the forum.

    Let us accept that even our mils and sils are women like us. No matter what their age, they have a right to dress the way they like without our poking fun at their dress sense or choice of colours. We like to dress the way we like and don't like others commenting about it. To each one her own. Why can't we learn some tolerance? Demanding respect is one thing, fighting for rights is something that is absolutely necessary, but the other side of the coin is tolerance towards other's rights.

    One of the USPs of IL is the fact is it is clean, friendly and a relatively gentle place to be in the virtual world ..... or at least has been so far. That is what draws us here. Let us not destroy our own safe haven away from the "real" world by vitiating the atmosphere on the forum and by falling to really pathetic levels.

    Let us on our part retain a sense of fairness, justice and decorum while writing here in light vein or otherwise.

    If we want to fight for justice, we have to be just ourselves. We need to maintain our dignity, otherwise we will only be fighting a lost battle.

    I am sorry, I do not mean to sound preachy; but what has to be said has to be said.
     
    sindmani, Arunarc, Amma15 and 22 others like this.
    Loading...

  2. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    621
    Likes Received:
    1,160
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Well spoken. Love it. :yes:


    That's really the best way to change a system that continues to demean women is to stop doing such things ourselves. We should be careful not to perpetuate the same kind of abuse unto others. Otherwise it will always remain a vicious cycle.
     
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2014
  3. vibha_81

    vibha_81 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    951
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree to the principle behind your thread that unless you have genuine vent and want to take it in a lighter vein it is not ok to criticize other people for their quirks in public forum. Everybody has some habits which are irritable to others and either you learn to deal with them by discussing with them or accept them. My parents also have them in abundance and i would not like to see some one criticize them for it behind their backs. By the second day of my marriage i understood that my in-laws also have some similar quirks:). People should understand that parents are from a different generation and hence have their own beliefs and habits and unless and until they make you to follow them everyday I would not want to vilify them for it. I listen to my in-laws in the same way as my parents...take everything, filter them, apply what I want and delete the rest...why waste space in brain to store all these negative thoughts!


    btw Satchi i do like reading about quirks and it would have been great if they had opened a thread for everyone including themselves..."Name 3 of your irritable habits and your family(includes in-laws and parents)" or something like it...If it is just meant to be funny why not make fun of ourselves?
     
    5 people like this.
  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,494
    Likes Received:
    25,333
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    Absolutely true HR. Thanks for stepping in.
     
  5. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,494
    Likes Received:
    25,333
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    :-D Lol Vibha, actually when reading the thread, was just thinking the same thing. All of us are going to get old, our sils/dils will find our dress sense, choice of colours, and various things about us also funny. No objections at laughing about quirks of ILs provided they are clean and really funny. But then we should be able to laugh at ourselves too.
     
    1 person likes this.
  6. cinderella06

    cinderella06 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,203
    Likes Received:
    506
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Satchi thanks for starting the thread. I felt awkward reading such immature posts.
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. prettydevil

    prettydevil Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,343
    Likes Received:
    4,166
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Satchi... as always... very well said...

    There should be certain line and decency maintained, coz no matter what you are talking about somebody's parents, keeping in mind that, that somebody and his parents are your family too.

    Removing frustrations or genuine venting could be fine, but like you said, making unnecessary fun out of anything PIL's do, is something that should one take care of.

    Adding to what you said, nowadays, every new poster/thread is being looked upon as troll. In fact I myself see them as a troll and hence have reduced interacting in relationships forums. Many others too may have stopped responding to the new op's. Due to this, the genuine new posters miss getting advice's from our expert ladies.

    Some threads turn into cold wars, some burning hot, some men v/s women, some women v/s women. Some senior members also tend to de-value the newbies or less senior members.

    Healthy debates are one of the best reads, but personal arguments route the thread to an altogether a new layout resulting into a baseless and senseless thread.

    Each is entitled to its own opinion, still we tend to dissect the posts that unsuit our thoughts.

    This was indeed a best platform once upon a time, but with a heavy heart, I have to say, now the quality here is definitely deteriorating .... JMO

    Edit: Oops.... I just realized this thread was about "wither relationships" :bonk and there you go... you have a live example of turning your thread otherways :biggrin2:
     
    7 people like this.
  8. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,300
    Likes Received:
    4,057
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Satchi- I was thinking the same thing and wanted to start a similar thread you beat me to it :thumbsup I think I know the thread you alluded to- where people were taking about "funny" things their MIL did or something like that. I wanted to post there something really funny about my MIL- not funny in a vicious way.

    Like you I have supported women who posted here about some pretty awful atrocities they go through every day with their husbands and IL's. But recently I have been thinking if this ill-treatment in hands of MIL is really as common as I see on Indusladies (I am not really much of this in real life). I want to add I am not disbelieving that some stories are genuine but I am inclined to believe that all DIL are not all that holier-than-thou and neither are all sons so self-sacrificing and selfless, to be constantly at their parents feet. And neither are most PIL (MIL's) out to destroy their own son's marriage. I can't really believe that.

    Regardless, some people may well be in awful situations (and probably justified in indulging in such behavior (?) a little but some of those stories were not REALLY funny. I read and felt sad for some of those MIL's. If I had a problem with someone I would rather tell them directly than go and "bitch" behind their back in a real or virtual world. But that is just me.

    But some of those threads don't really put the posters in good light- makes them just as vicious as their MIL's. But is our generation not fighting to change that? Is this generation not trying to fight for dignity of women just as much as men enjoys? How is putting another woman- your husband's mother- down the way to do it?

    I have always talked about taking personal responsibility for our happiness and our situation. If someone is that unhappy with another individual-that too a family member- it must put a lot of stress in life. So take charge of your own life and be responsible for your own happiness.
     
    3 people like this.
  9. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,300
    Likes Received:
    4,057
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I want to add this too- many women claim to put up with their MIL because they love their husbands. But I don't think I can look at my husband without guilt if I were trashing his mom behind his back.
     
    7 people like this.
  10. vibha_81

    vibha_81 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    998
    Likes Received:
    951
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    So true and i think i am going to pick up some quirks as i age. For ex: my mom used to clip calendar pages together(so that they do not fly because of the fan) in the bedroom because she was very light sleeper in her later years and the rest of us esp. dad used to make fun of it. I used to sleep like a log till my undergrad but now i have become somewhat of a light sleeper...it would really funny if i end up with my mom's quirky habit:). I would also love to meet fellow ILs who have/had similar silly habits as me.
     
    1 person likes this.

Share This Page