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Which Ritual You Have To Follow At Your In Laws House That You Don't Like?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by AditiShining, Sep 11, 2021.

  1. AditiShining

    AditiShining Senior IL'ite

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    For me, when my MIL or SIL visit me after some time I'm supposed to greet them by not only touching their feet but by pressing their legs from knees to ankles, for 1-2 minutes. Even though this doesn't happen frequently, I still don't like to do it.

    What about you all?
     
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  2. Gauri03

    Gauri03 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    Do you wonder what two grown women do all day that they need their feet massaged every time they see you? Next visit touch their feet and do a cursory 2 second massage. Then on the following visit touch the feet and forget the massage. On the visit after that, touch MIL’s feet and forget sister in law. Gently wean them off the ego drip. If anyone questions laugh sheepishly and say oops I forgot. Manage expectations Aditi. No one will give you a medal for being the best daughter in law in the world. If you set the bar so low they will crucify you at the first hint of independence. What will you do when you have a baby and MIL and SIL insist you raise it their way? What if MIL demands baby sleep with her, or SIL decides to choose the name? Now is the time to start defining some boundaries. I am not suggesting you pick a fight with them but don’t make yourself do things you don’t like. You will end up resenting yourself for it.

    Answering your question, I hate the endless pujas and homams we are put through every time we visit. My in laws’ lives are so deeply enmeshed with religion that there is no room for anything else. We plan vacations around the country but they always refuse. Invariably we end up on religious pilgrimages to this temple town or that matha. If we say no then we have to deal with sullen, grumpy parents for the rest of the trip. If we say yes the kids groan and complain incessantly. India trips are super fun.
     
  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    That is sad.

    God is in heart, not some temple run by crooked godmen, nor by visitors who worship their own ego.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    There were a few rituals followed when visiting the extended family of the in-laws. But with my immediate in-laws I am hard put to think of a ritual or practice that bothered me too much. The women have meals after men are done was annoying but I did have the option to eat in the first round. And I could understand the logistical benefit of the arrangement.

    Was it a complete surprise to learn of this expectation after marriage? Or, did your in-laws' behavior in the wedding discussions and during the wedding give some warning of the upcoming expectations?
     
  5. AditiShining

    AditiShining Senior IL'ite

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    Actually traditionally it is expected from DILs to greet their elder ladies by pressing their legs in our side. And I greeted close relative ladies in my laws side like that when I first met them. I didn't know I'm supposed to greet my MIL and SIL everytime they see us after an interval. When I simply touched my elder SIL's feet, my MIL told I should press her legs as this is a custom. A DIL should at least greet her MIL and SIL like that. So I knelt down and pressed her legs for 1-2 minutes.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2021
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  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    You are SIL of your SIL. Is she doing the same to you? Why this double standard. No one in my PILs home asked me to do that. I did one or two times. Thats all. If you dont like this practice slowly stop doing it.
    My PILs are good so are. But they expect me to visit their relatives if I stay with them during every Indian trip.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2021
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  7. AditiShining

    AditiShining Senior IL'ite

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    My SIL is 2 years older to me so it's expected from me only.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OK. Its age dependent!
    Be yourself and do whatever you feel like doing. But dont listen to anyone who force you to do things or try to control you. In that case, learn to say No in diplomatic styles. No one will give you a good DIL certificate. The moment you resist, their attitude can change. But if they are good people treat them well. But always remember you will always be a DIL, not daughter. MIL will be MIL, not your mother. Its better to maintain a respectable distance and a friendly atmosphere.
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2021
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  9. AditiShining

    AditiShining Senior IL'ite

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    So this greeting by pressing legs is a custom on your in laws side too?

    My SIL once was returning from a trip so she was wearing shorts when she visited me. I knelt and pressed her legs in the name of custom when she was not following customs.
     
  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    No, its not a custom. I touched their feets only during my marriage ceremony and never pressed their legs. Thats all. One or two times out of respect during my India trip as they are good people. I do the same with my parents as an act to seeks blessings. Its not a custom. I did it just for me.
    They never demanded it. Now I changed to holding both their hands or hug or nothing. I have never touched my husband's feet and address him by using his name.

    Obviously you are not comfortable pressing her legs. So change to hugs or slowly stop doing it. Let action speaks louder than words. Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2021
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