Where To Report Domestic Violence.

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by EagerForInfo, Jan 23, 2022.

  1. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    This is very good advice. In my case the monster was calm and acting like he was innocent.

    Everyone's case is different and you are right, it could backfire (although with Desi ethnicity, it is least likely, and this should not discourage @EagerForInfo for asking for help)

    But she must stay cool, calm, collected.

    @EagerForInfo Is it possible to write down all the incidents for the police, and explain what you wish to happen. That way they can read it just in case you break down (this is upsetting, how can anyone stay cool, unless they are a sociopath?)

    And please consider asking on the other forum how a call for help can backfire. The lawyers (or those with lot of legal knowledge) can help you in different ways.

    See, IL knows your situation, so they guide one way, and the forums.freeadvice forum can guide you another way.

    All the best!
     
  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Start documenting all incidents. Speak with a domestic violence hotline to get advice. And follow the suggestions given by other posters here.
    Also give some thought to what the future of your marriage will look like if you end up filing a complaint. Be smart.
     
  3. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    Hi,
    You brought up a good point. So let me clarify. I definitely don’t intend to discourage @EagerForInfo from reporting the incident. These are simply some points she should keep in mind. Your description of exactly what happens when the cops are called is very helpful.

    In general the system favor the person who makes the first report so @EagerForInfo should remember that and make the report. And secondly they favor the person who appears calm and reasonable as opposed to the one shouting and making threats. That was all I’m trying to explain.

    Everything she tells the police will be noted down, positive or negative. Your suggestion that she can write it all down and give it to the cops is a good one.
     
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  4. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Oh no, I didn't mean that you are discouraging her.

    Many times I didn't call cops because I thought the situation would be worse. I was easily discouraged from calling the cops.

    When cops came I was crying and even told them that I thought calling them would make things worse. I was crying hysterically and cops said please calm down so they can understand what I am saying.

    I'm glad I finally did.
     
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  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    @EagerForInfo ,

    What have you decided?

    I just want to let you know that you are in the right. No matter what the issues are you have a right to be safe. He has no business squeezing your neck no matter who started it or whose fault it is. Violence must be met firmly. I urge you to report this incident so you can ensure your safety.

    If you let this slide like you have the past incidents this trend will continue. Unless you make him realize he is accountable for his actions. Right now he thinks he can anything without consequences. Because no matter what he does, you shout and scream but you don’t speak out or take meaningful steps.

    In 2017 I attended a kind of workshop offered by my county. It was a little tour of all the departments administered by the county, which included law enforcement and the police. In one of the modules the police sergeant explained the meaning and difference between assault and battery. Acc to the laws in my state (they do vary so look it up for yours)
    assault = showing intent or verbal threatening.
    battery = actual contact.
    If a man (taller, heavier) verbally says ‘I’m going to hurt you. Or I’m going to kill you.’ That constitutes assault. Even if he never touched you. All the people in the class clarified this over and over. The cop explained - maybe he didn’t touch you, but he could have. And if you are alone at home, smaller and weaker you can’t protect yourself adequately.’ Therefore the law states that verbal threat, showing intent to cause harm = assault.

    Actual contact, ie., hitting, or putting his hands around your neck = battery.
    It’s very serious. Even spitting is considered battery, if the spit lands on you, ie made contact.

    if you get hurt as result of all this = aggravated battery
    These are all felony charges btw. Look up what a felony charge means.
    These were very eye opening to me. I had thought assault meant being badly beat up like they show in movies. But the laws in this society are very clear. They enforce and expect that everyone should be able to live in freedom and with dignity.

    Now when it comes to your situation, you have let many many things slide. But don’t feel you are a martyr. Don’t think you will get an award for keeping quiet. If you didn’t report it as far as the state is concerned it didn’t happen.

    A lot of women swallow incident after incident, indignity after indignity, but slowly get pushed over the edge. Finally they do one thing because they can’t take it anymore and the husband calls the cops. At that time there’s no point saying ‘oh back in January he squeezed my neck. Oh last year he did that and before that he did this.’ They will ask why didn’t you report it? If it was that serious why didn’t you call the cops? So then the law will not consider the history. They will only see that one incident, what happened, who reported. In that sense the law is blind.

    This has happened over and over with many many immigrant Indian women who discovered too late the painful price of keeping silent and regretted it.

    Finally, just ask yourself this- if all this what he did, you had done to him, would he hesitate for a second or would he take action? What would he do?

    Note: I’m not a lawyer, this is what are the laws in my state according to that police sergeant. You can look up what defines assault and battery in your state and draw your own conclusions.
     
    Last edited: Jan 24, 2022
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

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    Btw I wrote all that so you and the others read and understand the US laws. Kindly don’t go and blurt all this out to him and make empty boasts of what you can and cannot do. You will needlessly alert him and next time he’ll be more careful. This is information for you and the other women here.
     
  7. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I wish this post can be pinned to the top of Married Forums.
     
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  8. Bubbles

    Bubbles Silver IL'ite

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    OP, do not let it slide. At the minimum, inform the police and ask them to make a record of your call, even if you don't want to make a police case or want to take legal action.
    It serves as very reliable documentation of DV and you will have so many more options at your disposal (esp. considering you have kids) if things don't get better.
    Also write down (and stash it safely) with date and time of what happened and when. You need to document.

    I hope you are safe.
     
  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    OP slow down. Do not look this incident as an isolated incident.

    i have seen your POSTS for quite some time. From the beginning you have been mentioned that you are in a emotionally abusive relationship.

    now this has take another level.

    calling police is the easy part. what is your end goal. depending on the state you live, a police call can get him arrested. he will be out too. then what. are you planning to press charges then have go through psychological evaluation or therapy. or planning to use this for seperation.

    think all.

    like others said. Document everything, keep a recorder. but before you i think it is time you consider living seperate or consider if this life is worth living together.
     
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  10. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    this is very valid. OP you have to decide considering your life situation. not every verbal argument can be complained. you need to think deep.

    the reason i say both sides, my friend he works in seattle his wife has border line issues, she poured hot sambar on him for some home argument and in order to defend himself he stopped her further. that she started yelling abuse.

    so you are the best judge of your life ahead. consider yourself lucky. you have access to a forum of anonymous folks helping with no inner intentions.
     
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