Where is this nice guy

Viswamitra · Dec 22, 2014

Dear Coolsandy,

You have a sharp memory to remember a casual conversation with a co-passenger. Most men have this regret that they have not balanced work and life. I am glad you are helping your mom now. It is okay to get scolded because you can't be as efficient as your mom in the kitchen. But your tendency to help needs to be appreciated.

Viswa

coolsandy · Dec 22, 2014

Viswamitra said: ↑

You have a sharp memory to remember a casual conversation with a co-passenger.
Click to expand...

The intensity with which that man said those words made me remember that. Yes, he was deeply regretting it.

chillbreeze · Dec 22, 2014

Dear Vishwa sir, a nice and thought provoking snippet. You are always a nice person and that reflects in your every thought, word, and action. Your post reminded me of both my dad and father-in-law. My dad never helped my mom when were growing up but now he tries to do little things around the house (still he doesn't enter into kitchen).

My fil helps my mil and me as much as he can like cutting veggies, making dough for rotis, putting mixie, etc. Last week I was busy cooking and fil was helping me by making dough for rotis. I told him see dad, we both are busy here, mil is busy taking care of sil's son but your son has gone to hang out with friends. Fil said I wasn't always like this. Until few years back, I never took any interest in what's going on in house and even if your mil asks some help, I will refuse and go out. But now I realize and volunteer to do anything I can do to help. As times change, we will grow and take more and new responsibilities. Even your husband will do the same don't worry. Though I am not satisfied with the part about my hubby not helping now, I liked fil's honest admission of how he was and how he is today.

madhuprabha · Dec 22, 2014

Good morning Vishwa Sir,
After reading your post, I realize that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. If it takes retirement/old age for my DH to help me, then I guess I will wait for it patiently.
But u know what sir, I doubt that my DH will do any help, certainly not in the kitchen even after he retires.
It was very nice to read about ur appreciation of your wife. Despite the occasional tiff about not helping, where there is understanding everything will automatically fall into place. You are a blessed man to have such a wonderful wife and son.
AND the same goes for your wife. I am sure she will be soooo happy to read about your appreciation and your love for her.
The nice man was always there, he was only hiding behind responsibility.

shyamala1234 · Dec 22, 2014

Dear Viswamitra,
You are a nice guy, no doubt about it. But I come across not so nice guys more often than nice guys. You are regretting about not helping your wife in middle age. But many do not help in any age, both to mother and wife. They take both of them for granted. It is not the intention not to help or not loving them...they simply take them for granted and women also accept them as they are. Seen quite some seniors helping a little bit to wife, that too because they are bored. They don't mind spending any amount of money but help...big "No". Many women also do not want them to enter kitchen. They mess up and it means more work for the lady of the house! Your family is a beautiful family. Everyone is not lucky.
Syamala

Vanilasky · Dec 22, 2014

Dear Viswa Sir,

"But, I don't spend a day without appreciating my wife's contribution in raising my son and taking care of domestic work."

Just the above single sentence states that you are gem of a person. My father who is 57 years old working outside india but whenever he is on vacation I had seen him helping mom in each and everything. He is a great cook and he gives rest to mom from kitchen when he is there. Besides cooking he helps in cleaning gàrden, buying groceries and many other things. My DH will help me if i ask him to do something but my brother and BIL doesn't even drink a glass of water by themselves. Surely sir these type of guys has to learn a lot from you.

Sir, you had always been a nice guy and will remain forever.

suryakala · Dec 22, 2014

Dear Viswamitra,

A beautiful thought provoking post. Most of us in IL can relate your experience to their mom, son, or husband.

Probably the responsibilities of being the " Provider and head of the family" allowed you to have an expectation to 'relax' and be taken care of' by your wife once you are back home from the "battle field"!Our Indian traditions and grooming make the wife take care of the husband and find her satisfaction in that role. Of course the life style and compulsions of GenY are different.

Beyond 60, probably the " expectation" was replaced by "an appreciation of your wife and gratitude for her", for all your achievements which you have come to review.

And life becomes beautiful for both of you.

Yes, as sister Kamla said Nice guy is there in you, always!

poovai · Dec 23, 2014

You are a kind person, Viswa sir and thus Ms. Viswa madam is the lucky one.

I don't recall any household work shared by my father and he didn't like a bit when we were asked to do any household chores. My father, always said let the girls be happy and enjoy their life, here.

After my marriage, I saw my FIL helping MIL in their house. It felt, unusual for me.

My DH does help a lot in running the household. I will be lost without him in daily life. If he has to travel (he is in sales), he make sure that everything is in place for me. It is not that I am not familiar with outside world. I am also successfully employed in IT industry for few decades.

Just sharing a view when I depend on my DH...

My son jokes about me..... mom, you are a bird in a golden cage, didn't realize that cage is left open and you can fly out at any time. It is true, the magic of love/affection keeps me in that small comfy zone. In that sense, my family is unhappy about me and sees that my DH as a controlling person. True, from the outsider's prospective. To me, he works very hard to keep me stress free and makes me feel young, forever.

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Chillbreeze,

Thank you for your visit to this post and your appreciative comments. One of my friends used to say, "after 10 years of married life, the man becomes a dependent of his spouse". Now I feel like saying, "It takes 25 years for the man to recognize the great contributions of his wife".

Your FIL is right. Someday, your husband will not only recognize how much contribution you have made for the growth of your family but would volunteer until you ask hm to stay away from the kitchen. Your FIL appears to be a wonderful person to be honest with you.

But keep telling your husband that it is important to show his love to the family through his contributions for the upkeep of the house even if he does not contribute in the kitchen.

Viswa

Viswamitra · Dec 23, 2014

Dear Madhuprabha,

Thank you for your response and there is hope at the end of the tunnel. He does not have to wait to help until retirement but it is very unfortunate most husbands recognize the contributions of their spouses only after 25 years of married life.

But don't underestimate him and the days will come when you want him away from the kitchen. It is my humble opinion that women take a lot of pride in doing a lot of things to make the husband and children happy. Even at their young age, they help their mothers. For some strange reason, the men are satisfied by merely doing their work in the office and when they think of home, they only see a place to relax. Only when they get older, they think of the pain and suffering one endures by doing domestic work and recognize the contributions of the spouses.

It must be so irritating for the working women to come home and cook and clean for the family. It is time for most men to change their behavior. They can enjoy brief time with their friends but should spend most time with their families.

Thank you for your kind words.

Viswa