Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.
We also face space issues whenever we travel and lot of cooking from Mom's place and IL's place..other emotional setbacks too..my recent trip was a pleasant one as we planned to manage our stay in diff ways..couple of days at ILs and home town.we took Mom and sis family to outdoor vacation..so 3 days without any cooking..it was all budget hotels...and costed less than 250 dollar for 4 adults....
OP ,do visit India whenever you feel like for you and your kids...do buy things which makes you happy...inform your mom and il that you want your kids to know about Indian places and plan small trips...do not deprive you or kids the vibrant places/exp we have..
OP,being emotional or attached to people is not bad thing .only thing is we need to manage these emotional set backs and find out other ways to show this.if gifting saree to your mom makes you happy do that and get one for you whenever you buy for others..not everyone cares or understands this gifting business
Thanks for reply AppuMom. What you are saying is right. Children should be introduced to our country and culture at this age. once they go to college, it's not possible then. That's one of the reason we went to india every year.
I have a slightly different take in this issue @anivijay. Please do not take offense. All through the post you have been talking about you... Your feelings you are hurt your hurt... What about your children?You mentioned a teenage daughter. Is she really comfortable staying in such a place with no privacy to bathe and change? You have to really consider her feelings too. Sorry if this sounds rude. But you are now at a point of life where u put children should be your priority. I understand you love your mother and sisters so much. But going through such living conditions with a teenage daughter seems a bit too much in my opinion.
Your problems have a simple solution. Rihanna has mentioned staying at a hotel... Just for sleeping at night you can try this the next time you go there. And you stay for 3 weeks you say... You can't expect your sisters family to adjust for such a long stay. I get it's your mom's house basically... But for all intents and purposes it's your sister's house now. It's your mom's decision.
And also all families have problems. You being away for so long is bound to create some distance emotionally. I think you are I so much emotional pain right now by thinking about this too much. The house you love... You visit once a year only... For an emotional person like you it must be difficult... So do what you can to make the short stay there comfortable... Even if you have to forgo staying the night there. Maybe stay there for 2 or 3 nights... And then go to a hotel... You can visit at day time... It'll take the pressure off your mom and sister too. Because they are not emotional as you... Accep it op.
You gift them all sarees. Don't go overboard. There is joy in giving right? Focus on that on your stay.
Have a heart to heart talk with your mother. Don't assume things even before talking to her. Maybe she'll get you. Maybe she doesn't. So what? Atleast you'll know you tried your best right?
And lastly don't dwell on the past suffering of your mother. She has come past it successfully. You have helped her through it. Take pride in your contribution too. Be kind to yourself. Now your mom is dependent on your sister for emotional support as she stays with her. So it's natural she's inclined towards thst daughter.Be grateful your sister is there for her nearby. Don't dwell on negatives.
Thanks for the reply Moochi. Indeed children are first priority. That's why it become the issue now. All these years, somehow I adjusted out of love. Like DDream said floor to sleep and roof over my head. Now, because of teenage daughter, I am thinking about alternatives as I understand its not fair to ask mother or sister to make adjustments for us.
But she is still a child. She is not complaining. She wants to be with grandma and her aunts play with her little brother(sister's son). She has good bond with Sister and BIL. d. She is asking me to stay in hotel if I have problem but she would continue to stay with her Chithi.
But your idea sounds good. Thats what I am going to implement when I go next time. staying in hotel during nights and day time spend with mom. But not for atleast next 2 years. This year husband may go with kids. Then its his responsibility to take care of all these things.
DDream, thanks for your reply.
I know mom is 70 years old. I wanted to spend time with her. I had been inviting her for many years. she was not able to come,because either sister was pregnant/sister has a new born/ have to lookafter sisters'son..
She only came last year with 2nd sister, initially. First sister and family were planning to come after a week. They didnt book their tickets yet. I requested mom to tell first sister to come 3 months later as it was very difficult for me to manage the expenses.
If we go to India, they don't have any financial burden. But when they visit, I had to pay for everything from the moment they landed till they leave(including shopping for mom and first sister). Please remember, I was not working the previous 2 years and just joined in my new job. We went through a financial crisis previous year. They knew everything.
But Mom asked sister to not worry about ticket prices and come immediately. She didn't even care, how I was going to manage (later 2nd sister told me, you are intelligent. you would manage somehow. Why we should worry about how you manage) . I won't forget the way she closed her eyes and sit down stubbornly, when I was asking her to talk to sister. She was so excited to see her grand son and daughter. She was very clear, I shouldnt hurt sister and bil anyway , by asking them to come later. It's always sister and her wishes, her comfort that's important . Not mine.
Somehow , I managed everything and they left after a month.
After that I started hearing these complaints from them, well mainly from first sister.
They couldn't visit places together. I took them in 2 batches. (i clearly told earlier , i have only a 5 seater) Why couldn't I hire a car every time, so that all of us can go together?
Why did I take packed lunches? Why can't we eat outside everytime( i took them out for multi cuisine restaurants /McD 3,4 times in a month)
I was not very excited on her arrival (after work, I drove 150 miles to pick her from airport, had to go to office next day)
I didn't buy anything for nephew ( i paid for his Push chair, bought him 8 sets of shirts and pants, a toy tent, bubble machine, some toy set from ikea, a couple of feeding bottles)
I didnt take BIL to IKEA (I planned a ladies day out to ikea(because i knew sis would love meatballs) and same time husband took bil to bar)
I didnt spend time with sister (She stayed with her husband whole time, so that he won't feel lonely. now blaming me)
Why cant i take them to all attractions in whole country that i visited earlier? (how many years I took to visit all those places)
Why didn't me and husband took 1 month off when they visited us for first time(i took 10days off)? Is it really possible to do a road trip with 10 people for 1 month?
The places that we took them are not that exciting it seems(did we come all the way , only for this)
I made them eat chicken nuggets and garlic bread for dinner one day. how could i do that ?(My husband almost cried on seeing this on dinner plate - first sister)
I gave them bread for breakfast sometimes(may be once or twice.. Had Idli batter ready in fridge most of times. )
Nothing to eat in my house( after buying loads of fruits every day..loaded pantry with biscuits/ cookies/chips.. Requested them to get snacks from India.. but she came with literally 4 rava ladoos)
We forced their son to sit on the car seats.
You bought stuff for my mother in law and my husband not much for me(this is from 2nd sister, add stuff I had to buy for her boss and her friends , and her as well)
Totally, they didnt enjoy after they spend lakhs on tickets . it was not a memorable trip for them it seems.
Sister didnt even have the courtesy to call us after she reached India. Leave me. I expected her / BIL to call my husband and say thanks, because its him took them to all places.
Worst thing is, mom supporting sister and whatever she says. No one realises how much energy i put on. how many days , I dreamed about having a tea with them in our garden, how many days I spent planning where to take them, keeping in mind their interests, what food they enjoy etc . I gave my 100%, time, energy, money everything I could . I stretched myself as much possible. It was not appreciated by them. They dont realise their expectations are unrealistic.
Now lost the interest to invite any one of them, including mom. I dont have energy to meet their expectations. Even If I invite, she wont come alone.
But, I am bearing this much pressure and expectation from them all these years and I tried very hard to fulfill them. Now, all of a sudden, our maternal house became sister's house and I can not expect BIL to take upstairs room for a short time, so that me and daughter would have access to bathroom? Well, they didn't tell me directly. But that's what expressed in action.
What to say? Learnt my lesson.
@anivijay you are a sweet person. But your family cannot appreciate it. I don't think you can change your sisters. Maybe you can have a talk with your mother. I urge you to try talking to her... What you have written here so far without crying to her. Surely she will understand. Maybe she won't ask your sisters to change their behaviour. But she can maybe give you emotional support you crave.
You are her eldest daughter. Some parents have this habit of codling the younger children more. And the eldest one is the one expected to take up responsibility. They are in this mindset. You being so far away further alienates you from them.
They don't treat you like you want to be. Observe how they treat your children. If your children like spending time with them let them be. But not at the cost of your self respect.
But I do think your expection of your mother building another room for you is a bit unrealistic. You have one more sister... Does she have a separate room? If yes stay there on your visit. If no... then you asking so will not sit well.
@Moochi, already tried many times talking. If I say something against sister, she is taking that like I am complaining against mom and got hurt. I feel they are single unit. and I am alone. Mom is not neutral. Its always me Vs them.
2nd sister got married 2 years back and living nearby. she doesn't have a room for herself and doesn't need one.
I am living in rented house. But when I go and look for a house, one of my conditon would be, can mom stay here if she comes(does it have lift/ground floor, does it have shower cubicle instead of bath tub, spacious enough ), even though she never visited me all these years except last year. I expected (not now), them to consider me as well. But Its ok...Its just me. I can not expect them to treat me the way I treat them.
You are a really nice sweet person. I can tell from the way you interact here. If your mother and sisters don't understand your value and choose to be cold and aloof, honestly it is their loss,not yours.
If I were you,I wouldn't go there till they have an additional bathroom facility.The main problem here is you are way too attached to them, whether they deserve it or not..