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Where Do You Stay While Visiting India?

Discussion in 'Home Decoration & Improvement' started by anivijay, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Staff Member Finest Post Winner

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    You also probably don’t buy one of each of the kinds you get for mom/sibling. Which is what the OP has been doing.

    It isn’t easy or cost effective or necessary but she’s trying to break out of the pattern - a push in the right track was to remind her of the kids she needs to save for and the suggestion to revisit financial priorities.

    When mom didn’t have sarees, that sungudi saree was precious. Now, with a wardrobe full of silk sarees, the next one is just another saree to add to the wardrobe. Unless one is earning and buying these things oneself, the surplus things just reduce the value or the gift giver.
     
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  2. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    You seem to be extremely attached emotionally, to the house, the trip, to the memories, I can understand your saree emotions n even to the people despite them not treating you well. That’s why you are not able to get a hold of this situation and any alternative options are hurting you immensely.

    Since your mom lost so much, she could have become more numb, thus she doesn’t share your kind of emotions and sees every thing as ‘hmm ok’ kind of feeling. Not caring about things much. So sarees or your visit, nothing excites her, or overdoing can take away the preciousness too. Maybe you never gave her a chance to miss you. Or she just doesn’t miss.

    Most families has fights or misunderstandings or their bad moments. When I have, we give some time off, it gets normal. In your situation, after being treated that bad, I would never step into that house, but that’s just me.

    Whether we accept or not, many parents do treat each kids differently. Even when we point it as wrong, they will deny ever treating differently. With a mom who values a son more than a daughter, I literally had to fight for everything. It wasn’t easy growing up knowing that your own mother put your baby bro on a step higher than you just because he’s a boy n it’s her pride, like she has achieved her life’s purpose. But I managed to find a livable ground for myself. Each family dynamics are different and every one needs their own space. In your case, every year trip is not giving that space.

    If building another room is not an issue, then you build it, u can save that from 1-2 years of not visiting. Give your bil some extra money and do it since you said he’s a civil engineer n you can’t give it to outsiders. Also beware that they might move into the new room ‘for the child’ n give you the old one. Your sis n bil might be happy to do it since they are getting double money out it and a room to use for 11 months in a year and you get your space.

    My advise would be to not plan another trip till your mom calls you to come, you said she never asks it’s you who volunteers. Or till you can last. And use this time to sincerely heal yourself. Also try to rebuild your relationship with your mom and very slowly with your sister. Talk about general topics, common friends and relatives. Talk about you only when asked, but ask about them instead. Keep it light and not so personal, just about others.

    Also if possible, you can bring your mom and keep her with you for a while. You can say you couldn’t travel due to so so reason n bring her alone so your focus is only her. Anyway since your sis kid doesn’t need her so much, your sis might be ok to send her now. You can book for your mom to travel with your husband when he returns from his visit.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op,this is a very emotional thread .
    You are a very emotional person and looks like your mom and sisters are not as emotional as you.

    You have taken on the job to be a support to your mom in your growing years and probably feel some guilt in going far away from the family. You want to be seen as the same person as you were before you moved abroad.
    That is difficult. They see you as the better off sister and child who moved abroad.

    They probably don't think it is required to give a gift to someone who has it all( in their head they may be thinking that).
    Or may be they see you as the supporting elder figure who does not need to be gifted.

    Or may be they do not understand the notion of gifting back because they did not see it in their homes.

    One thing is for sure that you give too much emotional importance to sarees ...so much that they give you heartburn and heartbreak.
    Your family may not be putting so much emotions into it.
    Think of it like this. You are the elder one and they like getting gifts from you . Unlike you ,they see it as a gift while you see sarees as emotional support ...as you associate the saree with that.

    Think of this as your weakness . It is your weakness ,not your mom's and sister's weakness. Not everyone is as emotional as you.

    The sarees that you bought for mom may have been seen as necessary clothing or nice gifts by her ...not as emotional support.Don't put your twist on things that others don't understand.
    Don't interpret your relationships from your raw emotional heart.
    You will end up getting hurt .
    Accept your sensitivity as your weakness and work on it.

    Your mom is fine and taken care off. She has raised 3 daughters and she has done her part. She probably wants her daughters to move on and be more involved in their own life.

    Don't overdo the gifting .
    Just buy for mom and if you really want to buy for sisters,buy one each.

    If you want a gift , ask your mom to buy and keep for you. If she does...be happy. If she doesn't ,just think she is old and probably not able to.

    Ask husband to go with you for buying saree when you go to India and make him pay for it .Or tell him you want a saree for your birthday .
    Sometimes you have to ask and that is fine.

    Op....I wish you had a family who loved gifting you things but you don't . But you do have a mom who was strong and there for you . You had two sisters that you grew up with. That is a good family. No family is perfect .

    Go to India once in 2-3 years but keep talking to them .
    When you go....adjust for the time you are there. Don't compare with your sister. She lives in that house . Sleep with your mom .Cherish her and the house for the short time you are there.

    Op your over emotional nature is very endearing . I have never read anyone write so lovingly about a house ...that too a house which does not appear to be very comfortable.

    You are a sweet person. But your emotional nature is causing you heartbreaks . Accept that and accept that the rest of your family is not like you.
    Don't have expectations . Everyone is busy.You go for being with mom,for experiencing the house,for meeting sisters. That is your gift because sarees you have learnt to buy your self.

    Hugs to you op.
     
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  4. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    I think part of OPs pain is that when her sibling visited her, she made her kids vacate their rooms, and all that was because of love. But when she visits, no one adjusts that much.
     
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  5. DXBDesi

    DXBDesi Silver IL'ite

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    This is reality and we have to accept it. Accepting it does not mean supporting it though. I could not accept my own parents treating me different from my sister, but later I realized its because of what they saw in their own childhood (eldest sibling has to sacrifice for younger sibling even at the cost of own marriage; younger sibling never has any responsibilities towards elder sibling however)
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    One of the sweetest and most candid posts I have ever read in IL. OP, like ym said it is a very emotional thread. You are taking all the responses so positively and already following steps to a happier and stronger you.

    As you go about giving the relationship a pause or break, less frequent India trips and so on, try to remember that you are doing this for your own peace of mind and sanity. Your mother and sisters will not necessarily feel your detachment or distance you are bringing about. Nothing is going to radically change from their side. Hurt and heartache like the one you have endured never really goes away. Only you are going to be stronger and you will bounce back from such thoughts or conversations faster in your future trips and at other times when brooding about them.

    A quote from Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy:
    "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."

    You are on the right track. Peace and acceptance will come your way, slowly but surely.
     
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  7. anivijay

    anivijay Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for understanding me. I am not the perfect one.

    I know I am emotional. And recent observation , mother is very practical. May be its better to be practical than emotional.


    I know, I am the reason for most of the problems. I am working on. I am practising to let go. I am trying to heal from past wounds. I started to love myself. I am being grateful for my husband and children. I understand nothing is permanent and try to live in present moment fully.

    I'll keep in mind what you all said. And don't go for next few years. I don't think they'll miss me. out of sight, out of mind. It's ok. Hope it would speed up my healing.

    Thanks again.
     
    Laks09 likes this.
  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    It is a good start! But you know it is hard to let something go, so take your time. There is and will be always emotional situations when it comes to family and it is hard when we live abroad. Stay strong and tell yourself you should be dependent on them for your happiness. Keep an open mind and find some things to do since you are not taking a vacation to India this time. May be you can visit beautiful places in and around where you live. Travel and time heals a lot of wounds.
     
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  9. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your feelings- you are very attached to them and nothing wrong with that.I wish there were more emotional people in this world like you then world would be a better place.Unfortunately ,there are more practical and immature people in this world like your sister, maybe they will realise value of relations in older age.

    Rather Im trying to explain your mother is in a vulnerable position and she did her best , for her it was the chance to live with her daughter and she took it- because later after some years circumstances may be different.Society is patriarchal and a widowed mother will not get many oppurtunities again and again to live with daughter and she also wanted to help your sister that time .And condition of single elderly women you know how difficult it is - so you should try to understand her compulsions and forgive her.

    Im sure your mother feels for you but unable to express it.As she lives with them she has to show them importance - than asking son-in-law to adjust- because It's very difficult for dependent elderly people. The child who takes care of them often makes them guilty and actually demands favoritism than equality. Your mother seems to be stuck n this.You know it's far difficult to live with son-in-law than daughter-in-law, as son-in-law will always want special treatment in society . Your mother seems a strong woman who brought up you all, and you too- I can totally understand the sense of responsibility you felt as the oldest child. In her heart your mom knows your value, but due to living with them maybe she is not able to act independently, so forgive her.She must be feeling pressure from them. You try to bond with your mom separately, as on phone and inviting to your house alone, as others have suggested. And dont go overboard to accommodate or gift your sister-people never realise-they will take for granted rather. Mothers know in their heart, only due to their vulnerable position sometimes they cant show the love due to guilt-tripping by the other child. Only guessing this because of your sister's tantrum to leave.Also, as sister lives there permanently she considers it her home now ...it doesn't mean it's not yours anymore- just that they don''t want to change their day-to-day living for you as you don't live there.Your sister is immature in feeling possessive of the home but that's just human nature.Maybe she will realise it when she is older than we get true pleasure in sharing with our loved ones and making them feel at home.Till then you have to accept and accomodate.

    Very true... this is so common...it's not good.But that's the way it is- so we have to accept it so we can live n peace
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
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  10. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    She said in her first post "There is only one bedroom in mother's house and its been used by sister's family who are staying there permanently. Same in mil's house as well"

    I don't know how to use only one bed room when one family stays there, her mother (she may using common room, only OP know), kids, then Op's family. I think everyone have to adjust in whatever space they have if one want to stay with them. Its not OP's home. Its her sisters home now. There is a huge difference. If there was extra room the situation would have been different. They would have given that room for her. WE cannot expect others to adjust like us.

    I think its OP need to visit her mother, but her sister or others are not excited like her because OP's was away for long. She need to accept it. They may be happy for her but OP's not getting the response she was seeking.

    Also OP, its tough to change old people. So you cannot change your mom. You need to change the way you take this situation. Take your own time to heal. But also remember that your mother is >70 's years old. Later you should not feel that you haven't spend enough time with her. Why don't you invite her only to your place. You should be firm that you want to spend time with your mom alone, not with others. It think that will give some time to bond with her. Or take her along with you during India trips.

    After going through your comments I feel, your idea of having your own space/home is valid, but if you dont stay there for long . How easy its. Many of my friends has flats, the housing authority take care of it when they are not there. But you need to think long term. Its better to have a flat away from your mom or mils homes, if thats your plan.

    OP, everyone's love language is different. I think yours is gift. That's why you are linking emotional assurance with sari . It may not be the same for others, including your mom. See the positives. Your mom might have become very neutral because of age and life's events. So love and gift yourself, you can buy good saree's online now. [ If I do some thing good, I pamper myself -most of the time it will be ice cream, which I don't take often due to diet restrictions].

    For the time being take an emotional break. Time will heal wounds (but scars remain , I know). But if you plan to visit India in future, go only for yourself or your family or for kids if they enjoy with kids or if you want to visit other places in India. Enjoy your maternal home, town,food.. for yourself and family. If others happy, be happy for them. Reduce all expectations. But promise yourself that you wont be hurt by others responses. Detach from that. Learn to take it easy on things or people we cannot control.
     
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
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