Where do MIL's come from?

There are lot of problems in this argument.

Men are usually settled in education and career before marriage. So in many cases, they have already 'left' their parents for career purposes even before marriage. Since there is no wife in the picture when they are getting settled in job why is it taken as negative that they only left parents for sake of career as opposed to leaving for sake of wife? Secondly, many married men also opt to live in a nuclear family once it becomes clear that wife and parents don't get along. So in these cases they leave their parents for wife's sake.

Thirdly, many women do leave their parents for education (outstation colleges) and for abroad or out-of-station jobs before marriage just like men do. So they too have left for education or job purposes and not for sake of husband. This argument only applies to women who have completed entire education in native place and also work in native place.

Fourthly, women may physically leave their parents but emotionally and mentally tend to be in touch with them all the time via phone / email / chat / visits etc. It is not as though women completely forget about their parents and cut off all connection with them after marriage!!! So there is no question that wives have 'left' parents 100% for husbands. Men, on the other hand, are not extensively in touch with parents, usually only by means of phone calls once in 2 weeks or for brief 3 or 4 week vacations during a year. So, whether they have left their parents for career or wife, point remains that they are more with wife only not with parents.

This is taken out of context. My point is women who live far away from in-laws will be able to keep distance from them during most of the year and also during vacation time because they choose to spend it with their own parents instead of husband's parents. So minimum contact exists between wife and in-laws.

 

I guess you are referring to the ideal situation ..however these days just like the way the daughters keep intouch with their parents, even the sons do keep intouch with their parents, now, how many times in a week / day differs from person to person..not all women talk to their parents daily...and not all men talk to their parents once/twice in a week..so lets keep these sweeping generalizations aside...

Bottom line......the topic was aobut...whether MILs who create issues exist? and if they do how & Why? and whether can really inlaws cause ripples in a DILs life? even living in a diff. country/ continent???

 

Hi Srividya,

This entire thread is full of interesting generalizations by everyone of us who has posted. My point is, if we want we can keep distance from inlaws. Only situation that makes it difficult is if you are living with the inlaws (which is really a bad situation if they are mean spirited people). Even if sons call their parents every day (as they have every right just like daughters) they cannot and should not force their wives to talk to their parents (especially if daughter-in-law does not get along with parents-in-law). This is up to wife / daughter-in-law. She should be assertive (not easy I know) and tell husband she is not interested in talking to husband's parents if they are mean to her.

One of my cousins has a really mean-minded mother-in-law. What she does is go into the bathroom or leave the house for a walk or drive as soon as husband calls his parents! Other times she will take the phone and yell Hello? Hello? Hello? at the top of her voice (her mother-in-law will go deaf i think!) and then hang up telling her husband that line was cut or went dead. At even other times she will keep her conversation to hi, hello, how are you, what is weather like, what politician is doing what, etc and then hang up. It was difficult for her but now her hubby knows that he cannot force her to have small talk with his gossipy mean-minded mother who likes to verbally assault my cousin left and right when she gets chance.

I don't think the topic was about whether there are such bad mothers-in-law because there are definitely terrible awful ones around. I think the topic was about how mothers-in-law are made into the people they are and my response was that it is insecurity that makes good mothers and former suffering daughters-in-law into present monsters-in-law as someone said.

By the way Riya, I just now saw one of your messages and my heart goes out to you. Your husband is extreme case. You have my deepest empathy. That situation (especially husband and sister eating from same plate while you are made to slog in kitchen) is really terrible. If possible, please try to prolong your America stay.

 

Dear dears,

I agree with you all partially. Thats there is problem in every generations. BUT I dont think its the problem in the INDIAN SOCIETY alone. Please when you say Indian its speaking wider and you are making a sweeping statement and it hurts people like me.

I am 3rd gen DIL of the house. and younger that my SILs. Only DIL of the house too. So you can imagine how much attention you get in the family and the expectations are sky rocketing. initially I suffered like any other person to get used to them and their way of living.

My MIL is very thoughtful made me live seperately with my DH saying I should first understand him and have a happy life without anyone's intervention. But still she used to cook daily 3 meals and send it to me with the car and driver available I can move around anywhere. no restrictions at all. She understood my background and my mind set. Which made me get closer to her first and now we are more like friends than what you called the Indian MILs.
Please you look at individual issues and that too only one side of the coin with this i dont think anyone can generalise the INDIAN SOCIETY.

The problem is there with DILs too who doesnt understand that they raised their son with numerous dreams and faith in him. Can any daughter cut off their relationship with her parents? .... the same rule applies here. We should be patient and first make the effort to know your in laws. Then things can be smoother for sure.



"There is a more fundamental problem here in our indian society which seemingly magically transforms sweet all-bearing daughter in laws who suffer, into domineering, possessive MILs when it comes to their own son.

Hope i didnt offend anyone because the more i see indian families, this is what i see is happening. So good luck to all those who will one day be mother in laws although you may be in your 20s now [/quote]"

 

Seems like you are one of those daughters who talk to parents every day (just kidding)..,no one needs any permission to talk to their parents...husband/wife...they are entitled to it..however its not as easy as we think or preach ..ie saying that DILs can avoid talking to their inlaws or that husband should not force his wife to talk to inlaws...how many DILs could voice that out to their husbands without offending them?? how many such husbands keep that anger boiling inside them that their wife doesnt like to talk to his parents?? how many husbands would just take it easy to let it go and keep the peace without ggetting back at their wives for her openness?? soo...there are lots of ifs and buts to any situation..if everything you had explained was so easy..there would never be a situation of hard feelings or upset or anger in marriage...(ofcourse there are people who appreciate each others view point and dont force their opinions on to each other but again we are not talking about those gifted people here)

Here expectations are the culprit. just because she is the DIL of the house, its by default taken for granted that she HAS to keep in touch and contact with the inlaws no matter how they are and what they say / do...can the DIL have the same expectation??? NO...Lots of DIL (again I am saying lot of them..not all of them...so its not a generalization heree...)just suck it up even when the husband doesnt talk to her parents thinking its ok as long as there is peace at home...ofcourse there are such husbands too who dont force their wives...however % here differs...(thats what has been the observation atleast so far...)

Woww so when the cousins wife is doing this...atleast she is saying with her actions that she doesnt want to talk to her inlaws..(might be she is scared to tell her husband with her words), so why cant your cousin let go of it...when he knows the mean MIL...why does she have to talk to the mean MIL??? any particular reason???why is she put in a situation where she has to run to the bathroom everytime the husband calls inlaws???didnt she voice out her opinion to her husband??

However I really like your view points, totally gives me a new direction to think...:thumbsupthanks for the bathroom tip idea:crazy

 

Hi Srividya, the wife is my cousin, not the husband! She has told him already and she does avoid her mother-in-law but when the old lady insists on talking she pulls her bathroom / driving / line-went-dead trick!

 

MIL come from the same place as we all come but some of us have different attitudes to life,

It was mentioned earlier in another post that MIL who do not attention from their own husbands and ILS treat their DIL badly mainly because they shower all their love on their children, then when someone comes and tries to replace her , she has no one to fall back on so she clings to her son causing a circle of abuse and ill treatment.

In my case my MIL was made in HELL for her own family and ILS and now us.

 

Hi,

Anuradha thanks for ur concern dear ..

For the discussion here i think we are referring to different categories of people..
Our posts are influenced by our own life experiences.. May be it was easier for u to cut out interference from in-laws.. May be ur husband appreciated ur openness .. But for me, i have to gulp in their behavior atleast to maintain peace at home.. Had my husband stopped supporting their misdoings, it would have saved me from lots of emotional abuse..
So i do agree with u that husband should make both his parents and wife feel secure.. If in reality this happens then i think every DIL would be more than happy to serve her in-laws when they need..
Only when mean, irrational and petty politics is being played out does it cause tension in the relationship..
I do agree that there are good in-laws too.. Just because i have got mean in-laws does not make every in-law bad..
But the husband has an important role to play in settting up fair rules for both his mom and wife.. Like Srividya has mentioned that husband should not be a meek guy nodding his head for every things his mommy says..

 

Sophisticated.. I 100% agree to what you write here.
MILs come from the same planet like all of us... however its all depends on her past & maturity levels.

She may choose to remain nice with her DIL or pour in the same pain.. sometimes I feel that what MILs heard in their times remains in their memory & whenever they feel hurt or left out they simply pass those words on.

For any person if he/she is highly emotionally connected to their children, they can't just take anyone else taking that place.
Looking at my plight my bro at times mentions to me.. if this connection was so high then why did they get him married at the first place.. so I tell him... its a social obligation... if there were no societal rules I guess those mothers wud have never parted with their sons .. the way there are no rules in the animal kingdom.

 

Radhika,

Every girl who is going to get married will definitely have a dream on their marriage life. When the girl enters the house, it is completely new family to her. When she has to adjust many things, there should definitely be some compromise from others especially from the other lady in the house (MIL) .


Note that every MIL was a DIL before and she could have also faced issues with her MIL. Thinking all such situations, MIL should help DIL to lead a good marriage life.

Not even a single DIL in the forum mention that they need a saree or jewel or some big thing from MIL. All they expect from MIL is:
- respect DIL's feelings,
- leave some of her strictness,
- allow privacy and freedom for her son and DIL (leaving privacy does not mean to leave their affection towards her son or to stay away)
- try to welcome DIL's parents and relatives
- not command and treat DIL like a servant
- not to gossip about DIL to others