Where am I going wrong?

Stillagirl · Aug 18, 2008

Hi ILites,

Read countless posts on problems faced by so many of you out there...each time, I grew a little stronger...But I am still in the same place when I made my first post (title" I can't live like this....pls help")....DAZED, CONFUSED.

Living in a conservative joint family for the past 7 months, I have not for one second felt comfortable. I just don't ever fit in, no matter how much I try, I don't identify with anything here...Its like wearing an ill-fitting dress, you know its not you 4 you.

I've stated my problems before, but to just state it objectively

15 people in the house

Not a day do we (my husband and I) get to decide what we want to do

Cannot dress my way. Sarees only, and that my MIL wants to select for me

Extremely chauvinistic, a woman is not supposed to even express her opinions in discussions (This is something I just can't tolerate, I have always been vociferous about my opinions, one of the reasons my husband feel in love with me)

Too much of household work, inspite of they being very rich, the expectation is for the DILs to cook, clean etc

Too many sarcastic remarks (example, the other day while I slogging my a** off on kitchen work, my FIL commented "she does nothing" behind my back which I overheard...When I tried to talk to my husband he just said "Oh, he didn't mean it" and that was the end of it...HUH!)

MIL shouts all the time

Grand mother shouts all the time

FIL shouts all the time

Too much scrutiny

No say in anything that happens in the house

Husband is never around and even when he is, he rubbishes aside everything I say by the statement "They don't mean it" Or "You have to change"...Change? He married me because I am the way I am and now he wants me to change?

Is love all about this? Changing yourself enough to feel like you've lost yourself? Why does it have to be more about my husband and his family than my own life? I've not asked him to change one thing about himself, then why ask me to change it all?

-Tried talking around these lines a zillion times, through e-mails, polite conversations, sms, fights, everything. Didn't help one bit

Before marriage I knew about the fact that I had to wear sarees, but He promised he'd change it within 3 months....never happened. I had no idea about the other facts...The fact that one needs to be submissive here, I only found out when I landed.

One cannot place conditions in a marriage someone wise here said, then is mine a healthy one?
7 months and I haven't found happiness a day here...

N@!Sr! · Aug 18, 2008

Hi, Stillagirl

I can sense your level of frustration since you stay with them 24/7. Its awful to be with people like this. Why dont you try something that I implemented as well ? Since, we dont live with our in-laws, my MIL tries to rag me under different situations over the phone and as usual my DH does not realize/trust me. So, I have started bashing them on my own. Recently, one shitty advice came from my MIL over the phone, that we should first go to their house while on vacation and leave the trip to my parent's house till the end of the vacation and go there only for 2 days. Just imagine, out of a 30-40 days trip, I should go there only for 2-3 days !!!!!:roll:

I immediately reciprocated my feeling by saying "No, wherever we stay, we will stay equal number of days. They are my parents and will not compromise under any circumstances." That moron stopped talking to me after I replied to her. She does not even ask for me while she speaks with my hubby over the phone these days.

I know my DH will never utter a word in favor of me, so I have started my way and believe me, this gives a lot of relief, since you wont ponder over that thought later. Your situation might be a little different than mine but try and see if you can give them an ultimatum straight to their face. The end result would be that they will get annoyed on you and start bi*ching about it. I would prefer them to do whatever they want or feel. Just dont destroy my peace of life.

sashie · Aug 19, 2008

hi Still a girl.....i;m sorry about your situation.....Unforntunately the line where husb says we have to change...is REALLY common..my husb says that same thing to me ALL the time, he says i am married into his family i have to live the way they live....so if i;m not fitting in, its because:
1.i'm not trying hard enough
2. i wasn;t raised right by my family
3.I take all of his family;s comments the wrong way and that they didn;t mean to say it, or they are just joking with me etc.etc.

My husb doesn;t know how much i put up with already, and to ask me for more is sometimes too much for me....I;m sorry that you have to live like this 24/7....even though my il;s don;t live wtih us, they are constantly hurting my marriage,

hope things get better for you

sashBow

latamurali · Aug 19, 2008

Dear Friend

I can understand your problems, i have seen this type of mentality not only in my mom's period ( becuase she struggled with all the matters you have mentioned here ), to my surrpise, even now, in this generation one of my cousin facing the same situation , still some families have not changed , but they will be very different to their daughters , what to say,

Pls be patience for some more time, explain everything to your DH in polite manner and at the right time, may be your patience and polite approach may change your family members attitude also

See, we all can give you some suggestions and opinion, my dear friend,only you have to choose and decide what to follow and not, since you only know about mentality of your DH and other members and the situation prevailing there, iam not saying , bend for everything , be like slave etc.........plese be patience, TIME WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY , very soon your DH will understand your feelings and come for your resuce

Wishing you all the best and HAPPINESS and very HAPPY MARRIED LIFE

Ria2006 · Aug 20, 2008

Quite a difficult situation to be in. But I always think any amount of complexity can be dealt with little tact and a willing mind. So with that said, Try to set the tone of expectation in mild way. Dont overtly mention anything. That you wont do this, you cannt wear this. Just be subtle and have your way.

Like in kitchen you dont have to be available all the time. Set the expectations that you can only devote 2 hours in morning , 2 hours in evening. Apart from that you want to do other things Like self grooming , reading, walking etc. Dont complain to your husband at all, it wont help you. Just do your thing. That will give energy to go through this tough scenario.
More vocal resistance you do more pain you will receive. Just dont look for acceptance and appreciation. Since its first year of marriage, you should set the tone of expectations right. Dont worry if people blame you lazy , or not having right values.. People will say things no matter what. You can never please all the people in this world.
Do your bit and dont break your back pleasing everybody. Dont look for your husband to defend you or gaurd you. Just be subtle and mild , but be firm and show people their right place with right words. Dont listen anyone's non sense. There is always healthy difference between opposition and mild disagreement.

Any marriage, relation or family set up take time to get in unison. So hang on but dont loose your identity and self worth pleasing others.

Ria

Sri09 · Aug 20, 2008

Hi

I feel you should start changing the situations.

When you go to your mom`s place or freind`s place to stay for few days get 2 or 3 chudidars and start wearing. Come your home in chudidar. Dont even look at their sarcastic remarks. Just keep queit. But wear with full dupatta (decent and not fashionable). Even if your old lady comments tell that you cover everything unlike saree which exposes waist.

Start changes one by one. Tell him you plan to go to a movie with him. If you have friends plan with them and make him come with you.

During discussions, start supporting one of the persons there. Just tell that he/she is right. Then start participating. Whether they listen or not, if it is related to you, just tell your points and ask your husband`s opinion in front of them. Support him and make him support you.

Regarding the old people comments at your home, dont bother. Do your work. Talk nicely. But be firm and deliver the message clearly.

Make them understand that you are not the person controlled by somebody.

Sri

saraswatibhat · Aug 20, 2008

Dear Friend,

Sorry to hear about what is happening to you.I have one of my close friend with similar situation and I can connect with that..Its sad that even if we speak of equality blah blah where there is an issue of adjustment it is also the girl who has to do so:bang

All my friends here have given valuable suggestion.So the only thing I would like to add is dont ever let anyone to hurt ur self respect..And adjustments and "u shuould change" applies for both.

Hope things will go fine...Wish you all the happiness in life..

Take care,
Saraswati

Stillagirl · Aug 20, 2008

Hey!

Thanks all for all your suggestions! Its a valuable advice that one should be polite and firm in saying No to what one is uncomfortable with.....esp. Ria, I liked your stance on it.

However, how do I practice it in an environment that seems so hostile right from the word go. Like you said, I am willing to put my foot down for working only 2+2 hrs a day in the kitchen. But here's the catch....those 4 hrs are as unpleasant as it can get. Let me recite how...

At 6 am my MIL needs luke warn water in a round long vessel that she needs me to deliver to her bedroom upstairs. So when I go into the kitchen, the grand mother first gives me a lecture for 2 mins how much water is wasted in the house, how wrong it is to not do enough work, how wrng it is to heat water as it kills living things (my ILs are jains) and she finally gives me the 2 glasses of water. The round vessel when asked for elicits another 5 mins of talk time things like how will she work without it, u come to me everymorning taking this away, you no nothing abt water cleaning and the whole water discussion commences....this only for the first task of the day. As you can imagine, once the cooking actually starts and my second MIL (yes, i have 3 MILS) and my co-sister (who is BIG TROUBLE MAKER) join, the talks get worse. and me being the youngest entrant, I am the target. When I try to talk abt this to my husband he says "Thats how joint families talk, its just that they feel u r one of them now, so they r no more formal" FORMAL? I replied once saying that if this is the price of being close, I'd rather not be to which pat came the reply "NO one will ever look at your face here then" This is Blackmail! And the number of things that happen otherwise is too long a list.

I just want to add that I had not been aware about the "culture" of the house before marriage, they seem like a bunch of angry, frustrated lot and I don't find any of their behaviour linking to "closeness" of family.

I apologize for the long posts, but the thought of independent life is slowly creeping into my mind as I don't think I can live this way for the next 50 yrs of my life, each day being a battle to fight at HOme.

priyauc · Aug 20, 2008

hmm seems like a saas bahu scene at ur place huh. god i cant beleive there are still households like this. just stand put on ur beleifs and voice ur opinion. all the best

saraswatibhat · Aug 20, 2008

Dear friend,

Its really bad that there are people who can treat the DIL's so badly....I can understand the frustration you are undergoing..Even after doing so much for the family ,need to listen to taunts and scoldings...!! Its really not possible to go through it all through the life....Hence you need to either stand against it or just go with it...

I know I cannot correct things at ur end.......but would like to wish you whole heartily .. good luck for things to become better...

God bless,take care,
Saraswati