Weekend Rumination: Imagine this: Someone lashes out at you — they speak rudely, maybe even insult you — despite you having done nothing, at least knowingly, to provoke them. You stay calm and try to reason with them. But they refuse to listen. Logic fails. Empathy fails. You're left standing in the aftermath of an unexpected storm. I've come across two distinct schools of thought on how to handle such situations — both shared not only in everyday life, but even echoed by spiritual teachers: Path 1: Give it back in the same coin. Respond with equal intensity. Assert yourself. The idea here is that tolerating abuse silently encourages the abuser. Speaking up — even sharply is great! Path 2: Silence as strength. Take the insults and stay quiet. Not because you're weak, but because you know your conscience is clear. You don't owe anyone a defense when your heart knows the truth. Arguing further only drains your peace. This approach is often seen as a step toward detachment and accumulating good karma. I’ve always leaned toward Path 2 — silence, and the deeper faith that the perpetrator will get their share of Karma while I accumulate my share of brownie points with Him a.k.a. good karma. No matter what policy I adopt, the aftermath of an argument - whether one sided or not destroys my peace of mind. But lately, I’ve been questioning: Is silence the correct way collect karma points and lead a higher path of spiritual life? Tagging @Rihana and @Viswamitra sir
Thank you for the tag. I’ve been thinking about this the last two days. I find it hard to imagine a situation where someone lashes out at me and I have no idea what provoked them. Usually, their words make it fairly clear what triggered their anger. Even if I don't agree with the validity or fairness of their reaction, the cause itself is rarely a mystery. So I may not have fully understood the question, and my responses might not entirely apply. If I had to choose strictly between the two options you described, without any modifications, I would reluctantly opt for Path 1. Matching their intensity often escalates the situation, but I believe responding assertively can sometimes prevent repeat of that behavior. I wouldn’t choose Path 2 because, while it might earn me good karma, it risks enabling the person to lash out again. I also find that consistently doing the "right" thing when someone continues their behavior can build up resentment within me. However, if I know I won’t have to interact with that person again, then maybe I might choose just silence. I want to emphasize that this is how I would handle the situation and if those were the only two choices. I don’t believe everyone should handle it this way. Conflict management is a very personal matter that depends on each individual’s experiences, outlook, and temperament. I would hate to suggest that my way is the right way.
If it were up to me to choose any path, not just the two listed, and if I could summon the patience, I would aim to stay calm and clearly state my point a few times. I’d use the power of pause, allowing a few seconds after the other person’s words before responding, and I’d repeat myself when needed. I’d also make sure to use "I" statements, avoid "you" statements, and steer clear of generalizations like "You always…" or "You never…". Most importantly, I would avoid labeling their state or behavior as angry, emotional, or anything else. If I use any labels, I would apply them to both of us. Then, I would say something like, "We can talk when we’re both more rational and calm," and walk away or shift my attention to another task.
I’m no expert in these matters, and do not directly believe in karma and Him. But reading this makes me feel there’s a certain moral superiority underlying it, the sense that "I will gain good karma while the other person gets their deserved bad karma." It reminds me of a kindergartener thinking to themselves, "Miss will be happy with me and mad at them," quietly feeling they’re the good one and the other is the bad one. For the path of silence to truly be effective, maybe there needs to be silence not just outwardly, but inwardly as well. No mental chatter about who was right or wrong, good or bad. True peace might need letting go of that judgment altogether, rather than quietly keeping score. My response is not to critique your way of handling things; it is more a take on why you might find your peace of mind destroyed even with Path 2.
Dear @gamma50g, I have always called our Ri @Rihana my twinsie! She has already shared her thoughts. I came across this story (very timely for me, too), and it may help you get a perspective. I agree with Ri - no need to build unnecessary resentment! I share here both ChatGPT and the long version --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A group of people from a village went to a holy man, a Saint, who was meditating in a cave in the mountains. They were very scared and complained to the Saint about large venomous snake who was terrorizing everyone in the village. “This terrible serpent’s hiss can be heard for miles around,” they said. “He mercilessly bites everyone – the snake does not spare anyone and attacks even our wives, our children, our cattle, our dogs, everyone. Even the bravest among us have become afraid to venture out into the fields, which are dry, parched, uncultivated. Our granaries are depleted and empty. Our numbers are dwindling from death by the snake, and by starvation. Please help us. You are a great Guru and you alone can subdue and vanquish him.” The Saint, realizing the gravity of the situation, went to the village, to where the snake lived, and as he approached, the terrible venomous snake moved swiftly toward him with upraised hood. The terrified villagers ran away, leaving the Saint to deal with the snake. The Saint looked at snake, slithering and undulating, his scales shimmering in the sunlight, dark and shining in his majesty, awesome in his length and his beauty. “Come forth, O Magnificent One,” the Saint called out to the snake, and mesmerized by the aura and charismatic presence of the Saint, the snake suddenly he lost all his ferocity and glided towards the Saint and coiled up meekly at the Saint’s feet in obeisance . “O you beautiful creature, what is it that I hear about you being the scourge of the village? Leave your destructive ways. Be good. Don’t terrorize the poor villagers needlessly. Stop biting them. Leave them alone,” the Saint said to the snake. The snake bowed and nodded assent. He resolved to leave his evil ways and be good and promised the Saint that henceforth he would not bite anyone. The venomous snake turned a new leaf, scrupulously kept his promise and began to live a life of innocence, without attempting to harm anyone. The villagers were very happy, the fields flourished, the cattle grazed and the children came out to play fearlessly. One day, several months later, the Saint passed by the village, searched for the snake and found the snake coiled near the root of a tree, lying mangled and half dead. The snake was utterly transformed. His scales had fallen off and he looked dilapidated, emaciated, innocuous, and badly injured. He had sores all over his body. The poor snake seemed to be on the verge of death. “O My Dear Friend, what happened to you…?” the Saint asked the snake. “This, O Guru, is the fruit of obedience, of being good. I obeyed you, I gave up my evil ways, I let the villagers alone, I stopped biting them, I stopped attacking them, and what happened to me? Now everyone pelts me with stones, beats me with sticks, even the children tease me and drag me mercilessly by the tail. But I have kept my promise that I made to you…” The Saint smiled and lovingly said to the snake, “I exhorted you not to attack them, but I did not prohibit you from hissing… yes, my dear friend, I told you not to bite them, but did I ever tell you not to hiss…?” The snake learned a lesson for life and henceforth got on in life safely. 1. The Story of the Snake and the Mantra: This story describes a snake that had received a mantra from a holy man and promised not to harm anyone. However, after making this promise, the snake became vulnerable and was attacked by villagers, who knew it wouldn't retaliate. When the holy man saw the snake's weakened state, he asked why it wasn't protecting itself. The snake explained that it had stopped biting to avoid harming others, as it was instructed. The holy man then told the snake that he had instructed it not to bite but did not forbid it to hiss to scare off attackers. The snake understood and learned to protect itself by hissing loudly, which scared the children away.
Thank you @Srama ! Forgive me if I am wrong in understanding the moral of the story that as long as its all talking and no physical harm is done its okay. The snake can hiss to protect itself but a man cannot say whatever comes to his mouth without any filter to another person. Words once spilled can never be taken back. Unless the moral of the tale is that the aggrieved person can give it back tit for tat (a.k.a. hiss) at the perpetrator to protect himeself . But in such a case, is it truly protection or a desire for revenge or venting out Even if it is protection that is the aim, is his self worth truly determined by the perpetrator? Either ways personally for me, like I mentioned in my post, whether path #1 or path #2 is chosen, it affects my mental peace. Spiritually, the aim should be not to get affected by excess criticism or excess praise. However since we are humans with defects and not perfect creatures, it would be great if we can reduce the amount of time that the mind stays disturbed after an unpleasant event.
Dear @gamma50g , What you say about excess criticism or praise is true - I believe we are always doing internal work, and that is the goal. That internal growth should help us remain unperturbed even as we respond to the external provocation. As a teacher, many times, while remaining completely calm inside, I can easily feign anger or disappointment to guide my students. Also, I think what we project externally matters - not just for us but for the other person and the people in our lives, especially children. The story as I understand is, even as the snake continues its (internal) sadhana, it also needs to create an environment for itself that helps in that internal growth. I hope this makes sense!
