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When Will I Find “closure” ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Sep 3, 2022.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Friends in IL know about my problems with relatives.I had enough of them and finally found some strength to move away.

    reasons were..

    1) I still felt treated by them to same way I did when I was 20. They never allowed me to forget the past and always judged me based on my past.Same kind of teasing and I always felt “cringe”..

    2) They never had boundaries when it came to words.Everything was okay and if I tell them they were rude..I will be asked to “grow up” or “ am being sensitive “.

    3) I could never express or even get angry.The pain when they gang up and tease and then say am “overreacting”.

    4) They could never understand my decision to be a homemaker and always put me on the spot and insulted,degraded me.Even when I worked it was more like low salary or this or that.It was never a job but they want to put me down.

    They even tease me in front of my in-laws thinking they won’t mind coz hey they are good people but in-laws are in-laws at the end of the day.

    Last two years back my uncle and his daughter in law teased me something cringeworthy and called it funny..his grandchild pooped in my home and they said “please show your face and she will poop”..they said this two or three times everytime we met and that is when he’ll broke loose.

    To top it..his dil is a nightmare and she can never be a good friend,daughter,wife or anything.period.she joined hands with my co sister and both will call me only when they need help and I always feel ignored.When questioned..am told I am jealous.

    I could not take it anymore and lashed out!


    I moved away..my family just wanted to give them one chance and my mom explained to them calmly of how they hurt us.

    Response by them was an sensitive and has a psychological problem. They are not even accepting their fault a bit.

    I don’t know what to do anymore..I cut off relatives ..huge distance from people who I knew for all these years and my co sister with whom I was so good but got only insult in return.

    They don’t seem to accept their actions and patterns of insults..

    I sought help with a counselor, I am compassionate with myself and try to do what makes me happy coz this is the time for self care…

    I do everything I need to be happy..I tried to accept things as it is..luckily am on the right path and doing well

    But the pangs of pain and triggers are still there….hopefully it ends soon..
     
    Last edited: Sep 3, 2022
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  2. salad

    salad Gold IL'ite

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    The answer is when you decides to close it!

    I can relate everything you are saying as I have been through similar torture & still going on. The only difference is earlier I used to care. Now I don't.

    Earlier I used to take everything thinking after all they are relatives, they are in-laws. NO NO NEED TO.

    You don't owe anybody as long as they don't owe anything to you.

    If they treat you well you treat them better!!!
    If someone is fighting with you or treating you bad, you got 2 options.
    1) fight back, else give them back in a sarcastic way!! ( I am very bad in it. I can give back & I can't fight)
    2) I walk away. I don't entertain anyone who treat me bad. I know my value and I know I deserve respect.

    It's true when it's close relatives you can't cut them off and you shouldn't but maintain it in a low manner. Wish happy anniversary, birthday in the family group to show your presence. Call when the festivals comes and wish everyone.

    If there are any uncle or aunt who lost kids or very old and kids are not with them call them more often just enquire about their health, bhajans, cat, cow around them!! They will value our call more than our age noisy cousins!!

    You set your boundaries.

    Also one thing you need to keep in mind. How much ever you try hard you are a social animal. You need to have conversation, laugh, hugs, lil bit teasing comments to make you feel you are alive, valued, :beer-toast1::boxing::cheer::cheer:

    So make your own circle. Either in India relatives, else US friends, at jobs place, at kids parents group, at husbands office colleagues group, your apartment circle, your hobby group, your online group. Pick 1 or 2 and make your trust worthy circle. Only that matters. Rest all are high bye.

    Also your extreme personal matter keep it within your diary. I don't share much of personal details with any of my friends but I have some fun conversation with them. I goto them so I can laugh.

    I knew I need validation. I need respect. I took break from all the crap and focused on my career. I feel respected in my job. I am more happy and healthy. I spend much quality time with my hubby & lil one. Only that matters to me. I don't mind other dramas. If they are having fun. I am happy for them but I am happy with where I am and what I am.

    So you decide what you want and when you want. You decide your boundaries. You decide your goals & values which makes you happy.

    Create yourself to be the person you want to fall in love with.:angel:

    “When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dear.Nice message
     
  4. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    @anika987 , what according to you is "closure"? When & upon happening of what, your heart considers it has received closure?

    If this is what closure means to you or if your closure has to do with anything that you cannot control, then, probably you will never get closure.

    It is the hardest part in relationships when you give, invest and bring your best to the relation and you are in-turn picked-on, taken advantage of, shown indifference and become a subject of their insensitivity. It's worse when this comes not from a very distant relative, whose severance is not a big deal.

    If you really want a break from this, you have to redefine closure and unhook it from anything it has to do with things/behaviours which you cannot control. You have tell yourself that it's OK to lose some relationships (at times it feels like you have none and that's OK too). Don't compel yourself or place yourself ahead of what you really are to keep the relationship.

    What works best for me is to try not to ponder/churn on what they did to me, and instead try to deliberately keep myself busy with something productive, that which enriches me in some way or relations I cherish at that point. Given my nature, I cannot just close or forget stuff. So I push them back and back in the list that occupies my head & heart. After a point, time takes over and heals. So, did I get closure? I don't know, but I managed to not keep it open in my head until the time it no longer matters.
     
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  5. Ragavisang

    Ragavisang Gold IL'ite

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    [​IMG]

    Hi anika987
    I pray
    you heal from things
    no one ever
    apologized for.


    -Nakeia Homer

    Please listen to Sudari song if you can , it might give you some peace.

    I do everything I need to be happy..I tried to accept things as it is..luckily am on the right path and doing well - Happy to see you are not playing a victim game here by giving them more power. Hang in there it will be alright soon.

    upload_2022-9-9_12-11-50.png
     

    Attached Files:

    Last edited: Sep 9, 2022
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  6. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    * let it go
    * forgive yourself for being in that situation
    * move on
    * accept the past incidents as you cant reverse it, leave it in the past, stop ruminating
    * accept that you can't control how people perceive your actions, words or you
    * learn to divert your mind when you have a tendency to ruminanate. Dont even waste a second on those.
    * learn from the past experience, define boundary and equip with tools if you come across similar situations
    * running away wont always help you, so handle difficult situations like a professional and by practicing detachment, listen and leave it throught the other ear. Dont take everything to your heart.
    * others have power on you only when you give that power to them by responding to their unfair treatment in the way they want it.
    * practice giving cold blank look or walk away to anything you dont feel comfortable.
    * living your life to the fullest is your best revenge
    *learn to control your reactions by modulating your response.
    * healing starts from you
    * others can affect you only when you give so much importance to their words or opinion about you
    * if you can create an I dont care attitude by building self esteem, confidence and self awareness, other's opion wont affect you as you know you better
    * you get closure only when you decide to give a closure
    * live your life well without waiting for affirmation or approval from others
    * make peace with past, focus on present and look forward to future
    *Everythings is transient, time will help to heal to some extent once you decide to work on helping yourself
    Good luck
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2022
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    What a powerful, pragmatic and priceless prayer. "Heal" from things... can't think of a better word. "forgive", "move on", "make peace".. none fit the bill. "Heal" is perfect. The message from Rania Naim in the image is equally worth following.
     
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  8. Ragavisang

    Ragavisang Gold IL'ite

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    My go to place is tinybuddha.com whenever I feel Low Rihana.
     
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  9. Ragavisang

    Ragavisang Gold IL'ite

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    grab these kinds of rare pearls from that site and save it in a folder and use it in
    these kind of situations.
     
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  10. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    I would like to add that one get closure or near to it only when they to close it. As long as they can't forgive, the wound will be fresh forever. But, its hard to forgive somebody or forget the incident when they dont appolagize in a proper way. As we can't control others, only way is control our thoughts to make peace with it and let it go. Even if the wound heal, there will be scars that can remind us about it again. Accepting the reality is the first towards healing and gaining courage to accept it. Reminds me of the serenity prayer to recovery

    "...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    courage to change the things I can,
    and wisdom to know the difference..."
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2022
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