1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

When Widowed, Are In-laws In Or Out ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Hopikrishnan, Apr 14, 2021.

  1. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,304
    Likes Received:
    1,517
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes that’s what i also meant...the woman is just looking out for her own future. With no spouse, no good relation with in laws and a long lonely future ahead with high costs of living in the US and future medical costs, she may not opt to continue financial support to her in laws.
    Any major medical emergency would just eat into all her savings and she would have to depend on children which she would want to avoid.
    Only a really selfless person with high sense of duty would continue financial support.
    I don’t blame her or judge her to be selfish as she has to look out for herself too.
    So much uncertainty these days.
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks... I see that you mention a "high sense of duty" as the mark of someone who recognizes ex-in-laws, and helps them.
     
    shyamala1234 likes this.
  3. sonal1611

    sonal1611 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    623
    Likes Received:
    322
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes.. So true..

    what I mentioned is happening with my close relative..
    In-laws dont want to spend penny to DIL/ grand kids ,
    and mind it they are quite settled with some 7-8 houses , But want DIL to stay on rent and DIL is not working..
    they make sure to make Dil's life literally hell due to financial issues.
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  4. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,304
    Likes Received:
    1,517
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    “ Duty “ would have different connotations to different people...
    Many elderly people consider it their duty to help their married children with childcare and finically and otherwise a small much as they can...while many elders want to stay out of it, and want to live their retired life peacefully as an occasional vista or to their grown up children.
    Many of my older generation like my in-laws have suffered financial hardships but had to send fixed amount of money to their parents every month, even if it meant they had to make huge sacrifices and live a frugal life...even had to support siblings , I mean grown up and financially independent siblings for education, marriage etc.
    Many of same older generation have not spent a single penny on any household responsibilities of parents or siblings but and let them deal with it themselves...
    So Maybe someone who feels that they have duty towards ex in laws would want to help. But they would have to be incredibly well off and selfless to do so. I don’t expect if feel the lady herself has retired and needs money for her old age.
    Not at all judging her. She may have her own problems to deal with.
     
    shyamala1234 and Hopikrishnan like this.
  5. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    174
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    She should send money to her ex MIL for her basic living expenses atleast, as that was her husband's choice and he would have probably wanted that to continue after his death , so it is not right to stop that after his death.
     
    shyamala1234 and Hopikrishnan like this.
  6. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,550
    Likes Received:
    2,217
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I do not know how relevant is my answer to the question raised by OP. But real life incident related to this immediately came to mind and I'm sharing it here. My aunt (fathers younger sister) was faced with a situation where discussions were on between DIL and others, regarding stopping further remittances to her that the so.n was doing up to that time . I cannot say whether it was the sorrow of loosing her son or the greater fear of having to beg for her sustenance, that affected her so badly that she passed away within the 10 day mourning period of her sons death.
     
    shyamala1234 and Hopikrishnan like this.
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,642
    Likes Received:
    23,054
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    They both worked . She probably took care of home and kids too as woman in her times often did.

    He gave his mother and brother a home . Sent money home to mother and siblings for 30 years.He shared his wealth with his family in India.
    She on her part allowed him to be generous to his family for so long .

    He is dead now. Are the dead still expected to carry the burden of family?
    The older widow still has two adult children to take care of her and a home provided by her late son .It would be different if there were no other children around .

    The younger widow is also probably retired . Why is she expected to carry on being a provider? Did she not lose her husband ? Why is she a bad person to try and save for herself and her kids now? Her husband sent money for 30 years...why is there no saving in India ?

    Will the inlaws help her in need....in any way ? Should she not take care of herself now?

    Does she not deserve it more than them? Do her own children not deserve it more?

    If she wants...she should set aside some money for medical emergency for the old mil instead of sending money regularly to the sibling because there is no way of knowing if the money will be used for the old lady.
    The siblings were not even her late husband's responsibility .

    She should safe guard her future so that she does not have to depend on her children or dil / son in law later in life. She worked very hard for it .
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2021
  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,258
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Male
    In another thread on retirement-blues, a bunch of retired people responding to the OP were all in agreement about how good it would be to check out without a long incapacitating illness. :wink:
    This is a good idea.
    I am not sure this "gave" part was done. As far as I know, the house is legally titled to the deadman. They have to deal with it in a proper legal transfer.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,642
    Likes Received:
    23,054
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    He' provided' a house for mother and family. As long as new widow is not asking them to vacate,it is their's to live. I doubt the younger widow will ever get that house legally. If he did not leave a will for property in India, the mother will also have a right on the house . The brother will get to live with her rent free. For all practical purposes ,he left them a house .
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  10. GregoriaBoul

    GregoriaBoul Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    141
    Likes Received:
    87
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    For me, as long as their good people, they're in. I consider them to be family as well.
     

Share This Page