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When the wedding bells stop ringing

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by remrem, Jan 13, 2009.

  1. remrem

    remrem New IL'ite

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    I wanna recheck how my life changed after my marriage. I was born in a middle class
    Indian family with moderate values. All through my life I have seen my widowed mother struggling hard to give us two girls a good life.What she never had. We were always told about the importance of education and good character. My marriage was an arranged one. I talked to these guy on phone.Actually it was my second telephone interview.So I was very cautious about what to say and don't. Just before calling this person I told my mom, ''I'm not gonna marry him anyway, so for the sake of it I will do".He was not the chocolate hero with perfect nose and looks. Added to this he had a villain look. I can call it the chemistry. The first chat ignited the passion. I couldn't say a word but listen to him.We waited eagerly for each others call. I can say the most heavenly moments in my life.I was literally living in heaven. Meanwhile I was doing my postgraduate studies and he was working. So without seeing each other we talked for weeks. I wish if I had recorded all those chats. It was a time when we felt the whole night is not enough to talk on phone.

    After all these he came to see me formally at my home. Now the elders give you the pri village to talk to the would be groom and decide about your life with this half an hour discussion. I was lucky in this case. We had both made up our mind before. I was lucky to spend some more days with him before our marriage in the name of my job. The beautiful days...It was hard to control our feelings. But we never broke the limits. But when ever we met we were fully charged up. It only strengthened our trust for each other.
    But gradually I realized that He was much more mature than me. Or in my language was rigid in many ways. I cant find a better man in my life,But I had to make changes in my ways and thinking. I tried to be like a matured(??? ) woman.
    Just like any other girl I had lot of expectations about my marriage. But I was caught with some unknown fear. I dont know what exactly. I felt like going through a dark tunnel..With my mother and sister on the far end. I cant see where I am heading to. I have held someones hand.But was not sure who he is. He was very closely attached to his mother. But had a very strange relationship with his father. I wonder how he can be so nice to his mom and so rude to his father and so sweet to me at the same time. This guy had some issues with his parents.Most probably an abusive childhood or something. But since I was brought u under a single parent I was not so knowledgeable about the family thing. ANyway I was happy to get a new family.

    I understood my MIL had total control of the house. My H was mum in front of her. In the first few days after marriage she used to engage me with the unnecessary relative visits with her. The time when I really felt like being with my man. On the other hand my husband was trying to keep a cool head, to convince somebody that nothing has happened in his life. On the so called First night, I waited for him in the room. The jasmine flowers and sexy lingeries are only for movies.In reality its just like another nights sleep preparation. My husband was watching TV. After making sure that everybody is gone to sleep he came to our room. Scared of whom?????

    He was a darling. Couldn't find anything bad in him. We enjoyed good time together. Somehow returned to his workplace. From the beginning itself my MI made it mandatory that I should call her daily. Listen to whatever she say and have to give a detail report of everything except sex. Sometimes I wondered """Where 'm I""

    How can you change like this,,,Where is the real me gone..It took very few months to take away my confidence and happy nature. The constant phone calls,complaints and useless efforts to convince the new family..Too much energy. I had to prove my self of everything..Forget about the identity.My MIL was a housewife. She had a lot of issues which added to her complexes. Moreover a lot of possessiveness about her son.
    I never wanted to interfere in their mother son relationship. I remember, when they talk I tried to keep myself indulge in some other work. I always tried to prevent her from seeing me as a competitor. No use. ...
    I had no particular opinion about having kids. One drawback of growing up too obedient to elders. Some trouble in decision making. There was constant pressure from both sides.No to say about MIL. I was a little bit bothered about my career. But I always loved kids.Especially cute little baby's.
    I felt it very true that any marriage will take a new phase after the first kid. I cant even relate to our earlier life. We are both bond through our child.Where is that strong passion and hunger gone. New responsibilities.
    Its better not to say about the pregnancy time. According to our custom I stayed in my own home in the native. After long time with my mother. The MIL phone calls still haunted.I controlled myself from saying anything back.That was my only tactic to prove that I was not guilty of anything. At a point I was intelligent enough to believe that I did nothing wrong.She is doing all this just because it has become a habit for her.
    My mom wondered about my transformation.She tried to regain my lost confidence and happiness. You should remember...it all happening at the time of pregnancy. When I was 3 months the MIL had created such a turbulence that I became suicidal enough to jump out of the car. Can't believe it was me. How could I ever think of something like that...She messed up everything... Our marriage to..All my husband wanted was to be an obedient bahu" just like him.
    With gods grace we got a baby boy..That also after a BP hike and some complication.During the delivery the baby's heart beat reduced to min. I cant forget the agony on the doctors face. AS my mom also was a doctor she was standing next to her. My moms timely words and motivation made things get moving.Evrybody got into action and I was n deep prayers..First time in life...I 'm asking for a real cause...Save my child Oh God....All these pain just for my baby...I understood the real meaning of a Picture of 'Mary with Jesus in her hand"...

    The next day itself MIL called me saying...Anyway you got a baby with out any problem..So lets forget the past and be normal....Who spilled everything...Tell me .Why should I forgive her..I can never be the same with my husband again..Not with any issues between ourself but with all the unnecessary disturbances from her part.
    I am trying to mend up everything with my hubby.Deep from my heart. Just with one final solution .I have stopped attending any calls from MIL..And stopped calling her. But I have made it clear to my hubby that I have no issues with her.This is necessary to be myself...

    One request to the bahus'''

    BE yourself...ITs nowhere written that MArriage means YOu should change..


    and to the MIL s
    \\

    !st impression is t best..So if you don't spill the hot milk you can drink it when its cold..I mean live happily with your son and his kids..and of course YOUR DAUGHTER..
     
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  2. mssunitha2001

    mssunitha2001 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear remrem

    You have poured your feelings out.... Good to have an outlet....for your health's sake . You need to look after your kid....


    Take care of your cute babe.
    Be happy always !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -sunitha
     
  3. remrem

    remrem New IL'ite

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    hey thank you sunitha,

    that was all i meant..
     
  4. mirasim

    mirasim New IL'ite

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    These are the se7ven virtues that every body...

    Be Grateful
    Be Humble
    Be Patient
    Be Brave
    Show Respect
    Be Motivating
    Be Generous
    hope you got my point...
     
  5. SMG

    SMG Junior IL'ite

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    Dear remrem,

    i know how you feel. sometimes in life one feels so low and as if there is no hope to get out. Even i have been going through bad phases in life. But one thing which i learnt to do is grab any opportunity to be happy because your mil is not going to make you happy. So whenver any small thing makes you happy ...smile, even if it is for a second. trust me it will make a differnce as i am experiencing it.

    SMG
     
  6. Ruhi

    Ruhi Senior IL'ite

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    Dear remrem,

    Most of us have more or less same experience :)
    Pls,Don't think about what happened. My opinion is what U did & doing is Correct. All the best for Future. Pls,Take Care of U n lil one.

    Lots of Luv,
    Ruhi
     
  7. remrem

    remrem New IL'ite

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    Thank you all. ....
    Your wishes are really valuable for me

    Now I am trying to patch up everything back to normal life. Inspite of my silence to in laws my hubby is quite happy.Thats all i need..And i wish if they dont land up any soon...My son is also keeping well..with Gods grace..But i think all this incidents in my life taught me the value of whatever you have right now...

    Thank again...................
     
  8. tvisha16

    tvisha16 New IL'ite

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    Dear rem rem
    In your writing, I found myself here and there. Not really everything is the same but i hav a MIL who is filled with complexes, and because she couldnt do many things, she is not happy wen i'm able to do it. When it was 3 months aft i had iven birth to my son, so many problems started. We live in a joint family

    Now, I've made it clear to my Husband tat we need to go seperately, which he is not very happy about. He wants me to be very adjusting and be nice to his mother n blah.. blah........ every body here(including my husband does not hav a very gr8 opinion abt me).

    but, life has to keep goin for us. we have our lives to look aft. and as rightly put by you, our happiness is only in our hands. Nobody will give it to us. now, i am trying to control my expectations and life semms to be going a lil smooth.

    Lets hope for the best and better things are in store for us. I believe it. I think our babies are our greatest strength. I wish you a very happy life and believe its definitely waiting to come to you.
    regards
    Preethi
     
  9. varshatk

    varshatk New IL'ite

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    Dear remrem
    seems we all have more or less same stories!!!!!!!
    Indian culture,where in a marriage all expectations r frm women nothing frm man.So many adjustments ,sacrifices,loosing self identity also but very few lucky who get some appreciation otherwise all efforts in vain.
    Not only inlaws but parents r also responsible bcoz the way they fill our minds to be a nice Bahu!!!
    I also had an arranged marriage and frm day one all sufferings began.Husband wanted to prove to his family he is loyal to them so always neglected me in front of them,will comment on me ,abuse me and all this made my Mil and sis in laws happy.The more rudely he behaved more they were happy.
    Parents were like u should try and adjust make efforts to please them,we know u r hot tempered so be calm and listen to them,so in past 5 years I have remained calm faced all kind of humiliation.Don,t know where my temper has gone,lost my identity,personality.
    Only ray of hope is my daughter and now I have learned to ignore,let them say whatever they want ,I just divert my mind in my kid.Now my Husband feels jealous as we mother daughter bond and enjoy.
    So love ur kid and don,t pay attention to any issues .Urs and kid life will be easy!!!!!!!
     
  10. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    It seems the greed for control on a person has ruined the family fabric of India. As long as parents let their kids enjoy marital life without interference from them, nuclear families will be the norm.
     

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