1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

When Mom Puts You Down

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by beautifullife30, Mar 18, 2022.

  1. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    2,439
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    hi all,

    I live with my husband and 2 kids. My mom stays with me since my dad expired 12 years ago. My sister is married and has a child but her husband is a little different (doesnt like any of us staying with my sister so my mom is staying with me).

    just a little background - When i was 3 years old, my mom sent me to live with my maternal grandparents. I have never stayed with my mom and dad till my dad died and i had to look after mom. And since childhood i had a regard for my mom and i loved her a lot and still love her.

    But since my marriage (love marriage) and my dad's death, my mom has changed into this different person. When my dad was alive, he never let my mom express her opinions on anything. She kind of led her life on his terms. But after she started living with me, i have encouraged her to expirence the freedom of talking a walk alone when she feels like it, going to a grocecy shop to shop when she wishes to buy something, i have subscribed to so many tmail magazines since she loves to read novels.

    My second son resembles my dad a lot both physically and in behaviour. She adores him to the core so much that she feels he is her son and not mine. She feels possessive when he wants to sleep beside me or asks for me. I let everything slide since she is my mom.

    The problem i have is when she puts me down unexpectedly. I hurts me so much i have no idea why she does it. For instance: just half hour ago, she was telling me that she woke me up in the middle of the night so she could go to bathroom without fear. The problem is i never wake up inbetween in the night and i always sleep. Even if someone wakes me up, it is hard for me stay awake before my sleep is done. Everybody knows this. Even my mom. So when she said i woke you up today morning when i wanted ot go to bathroom....do you remember it or not? I told her i didnt. Honestly i couldnt recollect. She then freaked out and said, OMG, i thought you were awake so i went to the bathroom (which is situated outside the house; betwen we are living in my ancestral house in the village). My elder son then told her that mom has trouble waking up, its not just you, she finds it hard to wake up when i wake her up also.

    And then she started...how can a mom be like this. Take me for instance. I wake up everytime my children or anyone wants me to wake up. How can you call yourself a mom and so on...

    I just gave the above as an example. This happens at unexpected times. She absolutely adores my sister. Its ok. I have come to terms with that. In her eyes my sister can do nothing wrong and i can do nothing right.

    Inspite of knowing i cook well, she usually tell smy relatives, my younger daughter cooks wonderfully, my elder one doesnt know to cook.....

    My younger one poor thing has to stay awake and do all the house chores but my elder one doesnt do anything...she sleeps a lot i wonder how she would manage if she was staying with her in-laws

    And she would tell me...your sister has less gold, why dont you give your necklace ot her...

    Your sister's skin is firmer than yours while yours is like baby soft skin...people with your skin tone are prone to have wrinkles soon..you would look old soon while she will look young

    If any relative of ours comes home, she tells them that she is a silent person and doesnt get herself involved in any things. She keeps quite for everything and takes or accepts whatever rude comments people pass onto her. (indirectly it looks to them i am tormenting my mom which is exactly the opposite that happens at home)

    It just goes on and on and on......

    I once tried sitting her down and having a chat with her and she denies trating me like that or hurting me like that. She promises that she is the best of mom and she owuld never hurt anyone.

    Thankfully my husband now understands her and asks me to keep quite and not to pick a fight since it would hurt everyone in the long run. Since mom doesnt have anyone to let things go. But at point i feel frustated and feel sad when it happens again and again ang again.

    Given a chance, she would gladly live with my sister and never look back. Even that is ok. As long as she is happy where ever she is. Since my sister can't take care of her, i guess she feels stuck with me.

    I have tried my level best to give her the best of the things. She takes it all but then for some reason, she puts me down.

    I have had many of my relatives do this to me. But mom doing it breaks my heart a bit everytime. I talk to myself and console myself that its ok. and to let it go. But for some reason, everytime this happens, i still feel unbearably sad and hurt.

    Sometimes i want to give it back to her the same way she dishes it out to me but as i said, i cant do it since she is my mom. I dont want ot hurt her.

    I feel that it would be wrong if i talk back since i have my husband as a support who atleast listens to me but she doesnt have anyone with her. But the more leeway i give her, she becomes that hurtful.

    Humm....my vent is done!
     
    Caide likes this.
    Loading...

  2. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,460
    Likes Received:
    10,829
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    @beautifullife30

    Sis I can understand your situation as I myself is facing the same. Unlike you,my mom doesn't wanna stay with me as I have resigned. But I know and can see discrimination my mom shows among we three sisters.

    A good thing is both yours and my dh is mentally supporting us. From their view it is correct that we have to listen to whatever our mom says but should never loose tongue.

    Even my sisters goes with my mom anger issues . I tried to convince them that atleast someone should explain it to her so that in future she shouldn't do the same to relatives. But they are not listening as father is no more and doesn't wanna hurt mom.

    I tried to talk with her only to get hurt. Normally I didn't had chance to share personal things with mom as she cherishes her other daughters more and I was only compared and degraded. I talk with her but conversation ends in a minute as she doesn't wanna talk further. I have gonna to such extant that I know my mom won't be with me or stay with me even if I get hurt,I am requesting my husband not to send me to her if I get pregnant as I can't take that stress as I know how much I am emotionally hurt myself because of my family. I asked him to inform his parents the same as they want my mom to take care of me as they are still in service. I even said like I will not ask her to come to take care of me (she will for sure keep on saying the same thing to others that I had made her work) if she wants she can come and I know she won't leave her precious daughter and her grandson

    It's just that we are emotionally weak and love to spread love which is being taken as granted by mom who feels the other daughters are correct not us.

    Let's try our level best siso to compose ourselves . Neither can we explain it to her nor hurt her. We do what we always do-talk with mom,spend time with her, get hurt,cry on dh shoulder, accept the situation as it is and repeat the same


    Today I know for sure i gonna get hurt as I am going to talk with mom. I am bracing myself for it since yesterday night. I know what gonna be the result but still :tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy:. I sometimes wonder whether moms can be such cruel ?? But I find myself justifying on her behalf :hollering:


    So don't worry I am in this with you let's face it
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2022
    beautifullife30 likes this.
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear @beautifullife30

    I can very well relate to your case, due to the fact that my widow mom too lives with us for the past 11 years.

    I have done everything possible to make her stay extremely comfortable at my place in this decade long time.
    Even she knows how much I fight with my H, and lose my sanity just to ensure she is safe & happy at my place.
    She knows clearly, how I prioritize her just equally as my kids in everything and more importantly keeps her needs & wants always before mine.

    But, at the end of the day, all I hear is praise songs about my brother & sister and their family in comparison with mine.

    Just like your mom, mine too would compare my cooking, housekeeping, parenting and everything to my sister only to put me down.
    She would compare my H to my brother and my BIL (sister's H) to say how bad my H is.
    In fact, I lost it when she did the same to my kids. I least expected this, and I could no longer bear when she compared the young kids to show mine were bad.

    She would always pretend as if she was stuck at my place and she was here just to help me.
    She would tell all our relatives that my life and that of the kids would be nothing if she is not with us.
    So, expected continuous gratitude for her presence in our lives.

    On the other hand, she believed she would be better off if she moves i with my brother or sister, because they used to treat her so well during the 1-2 days of her stay with them.
    Therefore, she always believed she has sacrificed her comforts and happiness to be with me and not the other way round.

    Even my siblings believed that. Whenever there is a problem between us, mom would exaggerate things and my siblings believed she would be better off at their place.

    So, last year we decided to move to Bangladesh with family following my transfer.
    Since none of us were vaccinated, and it was high covid times, my siblings did not allow mom to join.
    We were fine to go ahead knowing the practical issues; hence negotiated her stay with brother's or sister's place.

    Hell broke loose, when SIL started showing long face and my brother has started fights in his home to keep mom.
    My sister had lots of other stories to show why it is not possible for her to keep mom for an extended years.
    Nevertheless, mom moved in to brother's house and she couldn't even tolerate 3 days at a row peacefully.
    In fact, she had restricted her life so simple just to adjust with SIL to make sure her stay wasn't a problem to her son's life.

    It all happened just weeks before our departure.

    Mom was extremely vulnerable and I could not leave her at that state of mind to abroad.
    Given other covid reasons and all, I decided to cancel our Bangladesh trip at the last minute, which has caused severe misunderstanding between myself & my H later.
    But, I was happy I took my mom back to her comfort zone, and kept her happy.

    Within 6 months, I got another offer and this time despite of my siblings reaction, my mom stood up and said I will be happy & comfortable only at my elder DD's home. So, I will go, wherever she goes, and I know she will take good care of me.

    These days, my mom takes good care of me. It shows in her talks and action that she is proud and happy about the way I do things for her.

    She even tells my kids that they should become like me, and take care of their mom the way I do for her.

    She always sings praise songs to my siblings and relatives about how happy & comfortable she is now, and how lucky she is to fly to different places with her DD.

    Mothers are also human beings. They can be wrong. They can be mislead and they can be manipulated.

    In my case, it was my siblings, their spouse and the relatives who interfered each time we had issues at home, and shared a piece of their own mind with mom, which confused her.
    She believed she would be better off elsewhere, but I was using her!
    That's why all those dramas, just to make me understand how lucky I was to be with mom.

    But now, she realized the truth and the worth of others who advised her.
    So, she is back to normal.
     
  4. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    2,439
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I am so sorry you are going through this Caide. My hugs to you.

    Sometimes i wonder why moms show this kind of special treatment. I mean aren't both of us her children? When i look at my sons, i cant bear to see or say 1 of them is my favorite. Both are equally important to me. My younger one hardly comes to me but still he is my son and i love him as equally as i love my elder one who is always by me.

    There's just 1 thing i can do. Ensure that i dont follow these things when i get old.
     
    Caide likes this.
  5. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    2,439
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi SGBV,

    Its great to see your mom has come around. I am glad she is now enjoying her stay with you to the fullest. And the best thing is when i read how she praises about you to the kids and asks them to emulate you. Nothing can beat that.

    My case is a little weird for me. After reading yours, i am wondering and trying to understand what might be my mom's problem. By now, all my extended relatives who visit us and whom we visit have seen firsthand how she is being taken care of and are now telling my mom that she is lucky she has such a daughter and SIL to take care of her. But for some crazy reason my mom still puts us down. So yeah......she is hung on to something.

    After the vent here, i realised that there is nothing i can do to change her. i have stopped expecting anything from her and now am in a state where i know that she is inevitably going to put me down no matter what the case is. So i am now prepared for that.
     
  6. Caide

    Caide IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    6,460
    Likes Received:
    10,829
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    :beer-toast1: i wanna do the same.

    I kind of got used to how thinks are moving around at my paternal house . I feel it's better to be that way.
     

Share This Page