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When Mom Became Mil..

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Reesha, Mar 23, 2022.

  1. Vedhavalli

    Vedhavalli Platinum IL'ite

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    My 2 cents dear, stay out of this conversation. I'm happy yet to be sisinlaw has a kind hearted sisinlaw.
    Some moms are like that. They become monster in laws, hard part is instead of thinking of their own daughter they make life miserable
    Stay out for your peace
     
  2. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    @Reesha, change this situation. It is easier for ILs to influence your DH if you are pushing him away.
    .
     
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  3. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    Don't think about changing her. People usually don't change and at her age, they are even more particular. I say 'particular' because it is not necessarily negative. It is just that it is a generation gap. They were brought up in a certain way and they won't change because of what someone else thinks. Maybe you will get a complying sil, who knows?
     
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  4. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    The bride and groom should wear whatever they choose to wear. Their wedding, their choice.

    However, there are exceptions. The person footing the bill for the wedding may choose to make stipulations. If that happens, the couple can decide to comply or pay their own bills.

    This reminds me of a dear friend's wedding many years ago. It was a love marriage. After initial reluctance, both families were supportive. The groom's sister (who had not been allowed to marry her bf and had unhappily settled for an arranged marriage) insisted on choosing the reception sari, didn't pay for it and took it home with her promising to get fall, beading, blouse and petticoat stitched. Sure enough, SiL brought the sari to the reception hall as is with nothing done and insisted it had to be worn. The bride sweetly wore the sari with a strapless bra and an off-shoulder blouse. Her groom thoroughly approved (he wolf-whistled :)). MiL took one look at DiL and asked her to wear the outfit DiL had originally planned to wear. Everyone lived happily ever after.
    .
     
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I couldn’t imagine this :roflmao:
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Very smart DIL
     
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  7. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    @Vedhavalli And other ladies - how do you cut off ties with toxic parents and sibling :::::: I am divorced and has my share of life struggles but my mother has become more toxic with growing age :::: I live on my own and so don't have like perfect house with perfectly arranged kitchen or other things like a proper married house and my sisters house is perfect and my own mother just makes my life hell when she visits me and compares to my sisters house :::: since I live on my own, I have to juggle every thing on my own schedule with job so someri!we if something is broken' it takes time to get it fixed or sometimes I delay it because I live on my own and have to juggle many things with job but when she visits here, she keeps complaining and comparing to my sister ::: she is happily married so sometimes she or brother in law take turns to get things fixed with this busy job schedule and have regular house cleaners n all coming in ....but since mine is single earning household , I have to take care of my savings for my old age and getting things fixed with busy job schedule takes time and I live in my house in a frugal way but my mother says very hurtful things when she vists my house and things aren't properly organized or some things is broken and needs fixing .....how to cut off relationship with own toxic mother and sister who also sides with toxic mother
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2022
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  8. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    It's sad you have to go through this with mom and sis.
    Actually they should have been a pillar of support for you.
     
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  9. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    I think nobody understands others situation unless they also have same circumstances or have empathy to understand , your mom and sis not understanding .
    “Detach emotionally”explain little bit your situation. Don’t even expect they understand . Otherwise you unnecessarily waste your energy and emotions
     
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  10. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    They dont have problems with my decision of divorce but they don't understand that a bad marriage experience makes a person emotionally tired for many years so I do things at my own slow pace ....there are days on weekends when I do nothing to charge my batteries for work days ...


    i have tried explaining that I am emotionally tired So I do things at my own pace....I have my way of organizing things and they have problem with that too as I do what is convenient but might not be perfect like dedicated cabinets ....


    But mother is perfectionist like my sister and is okay for a day or two and then again she says hurtful things to say I live in A very disorganized manner especially about kitchen ....I don't keep 10 types of masala or 10 types of spatulas or 5 types of flour as I am not a foodie or a good cook and I don't cook much but I eat out a lot in Indian restaurants in US ....


    .I just want to permanently not talk to her now ever as my life is thousand times peaceful when she does not visit me ...how do other ladies deal with toxic mother who wants to crib about their lifestyle aLl the time like why kitchen and house is not spic span n why i.eat out a lot and spend so much ...

    .I also had taken small loan from my sister which I still have to return as i had lost job for a while because of dirty politics by some desi men in my team so she says I am a bhikari who asks money from sister.....

    I have known siblings who go out of their way to help another sibling but my mother says very hurtful things saying I am a bhikaari who asks for money and my house though big and in the best suburbs doesn't have have good crockery and cabinets arw not organized perfectly and I still spend so much on eating out ....I have no.plan to beautify my kitchen or buy utensils or crockery or 10 types of masala as I cook rarely Like once a week and i eat out a lot....if I have to meet my friebds, we meet outside in restaurants....

    If my child had a string of bad luck like bad marriage for which she had to divorce e and tough job life, I would be very sympathetic towards her and understand why she has become lazy, why she eats out a lot , why she does nothing on certain days, why she doesnt organize her house perfectly , I would be very sympathetic towards her as some people have some strong prarabdha karma and are dealt bad cards in life ,,,she never appreciated me for buying big house in best suburbs ,,yes, I have to return loan money back to my sister which she earned through her job and my parents also spent a huge anount for a lavish five star hotel marriage and the guy turned out to be emotionally abusive and also kept all gold jewelry given by my parents to me...

    In short, I don't have funds to return money to my sister or my parents and I still live somewhat high end lifestyle as I am emotionally tired after divorce and cant struggle any more ,, plus some Desi men in my team played dirty work.politics to outst me in my job so I am still building my funds after paying home mortgage and other bills ....
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2022

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