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When Mom Became Mil..

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Reesha, Mar 23, 2022.

  1. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    For reception, it does not matter what she wore. Is this even an issue? They were being childish if they boycotted the reception. On the other hand, if she did this for the main ceremony then there is a reason to feel bad. After all, marriage happens once in a lifetime. They should have let her be herself on that one day at least.
     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    :hello: It is said after the event it is easy to become wiser.
    Here bride had taken the decision and acted upon.
    Members are discussing the matter for guiding future brides and would be in-Laws I suppose.
    God bless all IL folks.
     
  3. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    :clap2: got exact situation
     
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  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    Just I stretched imagination and you had provided that high sounding applause.
    I was again thinking of A Mil from fisher folk who desired her DIL in the making to appear on the stage in reception like a MERMAID !
    In that case - Should DIL Consent to just MIL?
     
  5. sarvantaryamini

    sarvantaryamini Gold IL'ite

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    She can consent if she can stand for hours in that costume. Many problems wearing mermaid dress. Also, wearing mermaid dress when the groom is wearing sherwani/suit/dhoti is so odd. He should wear it too to match. Obviously, MIL will not do such a thing. Wearing lehenga looks good on the other hand.
     
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  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    I agree. Mermaids bottom half not meant for standing!
     
  7. RiaME

    RiaME Senior IL'ite

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    It's the bride's day and its her wish what she wears. It's immature of those inlaws to act like that. Says a lot about their character.

    Probably she could have worn the saree on special occasions after the wedding day, like post wedding pooja etc. She shd have informed her inlaws beforehand as to what she would be wearing for reception and when she will wear her inlaws gifted saree. That would have prepared them.

    As far as your Mom's expectation for future DIL. What does she mean by "Order"? Is the hapless girl a slave for her to give orders and for the girl to blindly follow her instructions. I pity that girl after all, woman are not doormats to walk all over. First of all its a big change for a girl to come live with other members of the family apart from the guy she married.

    You need to inform your Mom that times have changed and she has to lower her expectations. No girl in the right mind, good education and career will lead her life according to the whims and fancies of the inlaws. The girl might try to adjust a bit, if inlaws are too demanding, then girls nowadays won't think twice to leave her husband and inlaws.
     
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  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, the woman could have compromised and worn the gifted saree for a short while in the reception. But people like her in-laws, who can boycott their son's reception and chose to be missing in the reception photos, don't deserve such compromises. For such people, if the bride agrees to wear the saree for a while in the reception, they will start pushing her to wear it for longer or throughout the reception. Or they will do silly things like make the main photo shoot happen when she is wearing the saree. They will make sure she doesn't get good photos in the lehenga.

    Since they showed their nature by their boycott, it's a good thing she stood her ground and set the tone for such future disagreements. People like these in-laws will not appreciate her compromise and offer a compromise themselves in the future. They will consider it their right to demand and expect more such compromises during the wedding and after. Parents who can boycott their child's wedding reception for a saree/lehenga issue, will stop at no lengths to sabotage the child's married life.

    It is good to have an adjusting nature. It benefits the person and everyone around. We so appreciate an adjusting nature that it makes us blind to something more present: an adult's wedding wear is decided by others. Why? Culture, tradition, values ... When so many practices related to culture, tradition, values have changed, this one is also due for change. It is one thing to dress as per the wishes or preferences of one's spouse. It is another if the entire khandaan clan starts to have opinions on the bride or groom's dress.

    The woman was asked to wear a saree on her reception. How many grooms would like to be asked to switch from a suit to a kurta pyjama? No.. such requests and tons of people forcing their wishes happens only to the bride.

    Simple question: Why force an adult to wear something they don't want to on an occasion like their wedding? Suggest what you would like to see her wear, but be the wiser/older ones and leave it alone after that. If the parents want, they can decide their own child's wedding dress, leave the child-in-law alone.

    In a culture where the in-laws decide the bride's wedding wear, the same in-laws can disapprove of her wearing a nightie in her own bedroom.

    We read so many posts here by women who write that ten or fifteen or even twenty years of marriage are effectively lost due to the antics of in-laws and how they regret time and years which will never come back. The brides like those described in the first post are smarter. They know if they put their foot down at the beginning, if they pick a few chosen battles at the beginning, the in-laws will learn their lesson faster and think before interfering in the future. Such firm behavior by the bride will ensure that the in-laws might crib about her to all, but they won't take her for granted and expect unconditional obedience.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2022
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  9. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I would normally agree with this advice but at a later stage in the marriage if the in-laws pull a stunt like this, for example at an important function like the first Diwali or baby shower.
    I have seen this kind of behavior at my cousin’s wedding almost 30 years ago. The MIL was very orthodox and old-fashioned and refused to let my cousin go for for bridal makeup even for the reception. She literally threw a very dramatic tantrum that involved calling doctors and whatnot. Her own son was horrified and my poor widowed aunt was in tears.
    Elders all advised my cousin to give in gracefully and the ceremony went off smoothly once the MIL was content that she was getting her way. While she was never super warm or loving she was always fair to my cousin and spoke highly of her towards the end of her life. The MIL also never made any such demands later.
    I guess the point of this ramble is that sometimes you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, and sometimes regardless of the justness of the situation it might be better to be the bigger person. It isn’t a victory if you win the battle only to lose the war. It would have been better for all concerned if the in-laws in the OP had been more mature but now they have gained the perceived upper hand in the narrative, and have a lifetime of ammunition to use against the new DIL.
     
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