When In-laws Prefer One Child Over The Other.

Shivika992 · Apr 12, 2020

I am newly married.. and still adjusting to married life. My parents stay in another state, and I live with my dh and in laws. My sister in law lives with her husband and children a few houses away. I have written about my in-laws here previously, mil and sil behaviour.. but lately I have been annoyed by FIL. Sil & children seem to be his favourite in the whole world and we don’t stop hearing her praises and his love for her when she is around (every few days) or not.... also I have realised that he has never once praised dh for anything, or doesn’t seem to remember much of his childhood whereas remembers everything that dear sil did.. sometimes he is even condescending to dh (which i guess is a part of every father son relationship??) MIL is equal to both children.. I find FIL’s behaviour weird and irritating, as even i have a brother and yes fathers can be partial to girls but I haven’t seen such differentiation between children.
Sil is outgoing and loud, and husband and I are more quiet type, so maybe that’s why he prefers having her around and remembers abt her... but makes me feel a bit like 2nd class member here. I come from a small family and have always got attention and love from both parents, so I feel bad for dh... and worry about differentiation towards future children from grandparents. How do I deal with this? I am working, so usually i am not at home, but how do i escape this talk and gushing over SIL and children all the time in lockdown? I am tired of it.

ashneys · Apr 12, 2020

Unfortunately, it’s more common than you think. There are houses which treats only a son better, or the daughter better, or any provider better (till they provide), and many treats their favourite child better. There are parents who makes the siblings compete with each other and the parents will enjoy the perks. It’s very hard to change this behaviour, and most parent/s will never accept that it’s true even if you confront with proof.

Shivika992 said: ↑

worry about differentiation towards future children from grandparents
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Shivika992 said: ↑

makes me feel a bit like 2nd class member here
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This happens too. Favourite kid’s kids and maybe spouses continues to be favourite in many cases. Second favourite’s families are one step down from the first favourite’s.

Shivika992 said: ↑

but how do i escape this talk and gushing over SIL and children all the time in lockdown? I am tired of it.
Click to expand...

Few options: Distract, divert topic, Ignore, meditate, shut his voice out (you can practise that skill with him), pretend a fake call and walk away.
Or join in, it’s super annoying, yes, but if you can outdo your fil, instead of letting him say, you say before he says, it may reduce.
Or some statements like “what did your son do for that?” And try to bring him into every single conversation even to an annoying level.
Or “oh you don’t remember about son ? Or oh you didn’t help your son?” Or something that points to his shortfalls in encouraging his son, but put in a nice way with only sad expression not accusing.

Is it only talks or do they treat your dh differently too ?

Maha99 · May 11, 2020

Shivika992 said: ↑

I am newly married.. and still adjusting to married life. My parents stay in another state, and I live with my dh and in laws. My sister in law lives with her husband and children a few houses away. I have written about my in-laws here previously, mil and sil behaviour.. but lately I have been annoyed by FIL. Sil & children seem to be his favourite in the whole world and we don’t stop hearing her praises and his love for her when she is around (every few days) or not.... also I have realised that he has never once praised dh for anything, or doesn’t seem to remember much of his childhood whereas remembers everything that dear sil did.. sometimes he is even condescending to dh (which i guess is a part of every father son relationship??) MIL is equal to both children.. I find FIL’s behaviour weird and irritating, as even i have a brother and yes fathers can be partial to girls but I haven’t seen such differentiation between children.
Sil is outgoing and loud, and husband and I are more quiet type, so maybe that’s why he prefers having her around and remembers abt her... but makes me feel a bit like 2nd class member here. I come from a small family and have always got attention and love from both parents, so I feel bad for dh... and worry about differentiation towards future children from grandparents. How do I deal with this? I am working, so usually i am not at home, but how do i escape this talk and gushing over SIL and children all the time in lockdown? I am tired of it.
Click to expand...

I am going through this with my DH's brother and sister. All through my married life, SIL kept fighting me due to her jealous and insecure nature...this created havoc in our married life...my FIL is v partial to BIL and SIL...they will never acknowledge this.... and they are like drums..they will roll whichever side is heavier (in terms of what they need).)..affection /love/sensitivity is all alien talks for them....Sorry you have to go through this....But my 12 years of experience..to maintain sanity plz plz stay away from all this negativity and ignore...else the bitterness will eat you /your married life/career/health.....it has ruined me!