1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

When Grandparents Criticize Grandkids

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Rihana, Feb 8, 2020.

  1. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    10,223
    Likes Received:
    25,200
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    What are the best ways to deal with visiting grandparents who continue to make damaging comments about grand-kids in earshot of the grand-kids? Examples:

    When grand-kids are young:
    - she is so thin, why?
    - why he cannot speak mother-tongue properly
    - why he still wears diaper at night
    - why she is eating with spoon? why not with hand?
    - why she still needs help in the toilet?

    A little older:
    - why waking up so late?
    - why watching so much TV?
    - why needs glasses?
    - why not doing well in karate class? why so weak?

    Teenaged grand-kids
    - why staying out late
    - why hair style like that
    - why talks with an accent
    - does not come to temple
    - so thin
    - so fat
    - on phone all the time
    - why showering late in the night
    - does not answer properly (because your comments and questions are like that)

    How to handle such comments from grandparents? How much should the grand-kids be expected to ignore such comments. Why.
    .
    .
     
    Loading...

  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    10,223
    Likes Received:
    25,200
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    I have not myself had to deal with much of this. It has always been clear to our parents, siblings and others that our parenting can be commented upon, but any comments directly about the child, in front of the child, are not tolerated.

    "You worry too much", "why only bottled water", "why you are so strict" are fine. My child hearing about "so thin", "accent when talking", and the list above was not acceptable.

    I have seen my friends' parents/in-laws who are constantly critical of the phoren grandkids. I understand that at each time the older generation will be set in their ways and make some comments. But, if the comments are making the grandchild feel bad about himself/herself, and the grandparent is told to stop, the grandparents of current times should have enough sense to cut down on the comments. With TV, internet and everything, they have enough exposure to the negative effect of such comments.
     
    sindmani, Mehana and yellowmango like this.
  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,627
    Likes Received:
    22,972
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Why feed ragi to small child...( it used to be poor man's grain for them)?

    A- it is no longer a poor man's grain and agrees with her stomach.

    Why shower before going to bed...it is not healthy to shower after dinner....
    A- husband likes it that way and we have all been doing it and are healthy?

    She is so thin .
    A- Doctor says she is fine and active.

    She has become too healthy (fat)
    A- Doctor says she is fine and active.

    They watch tv
    A- They only watch two cartoons in a day and 3 during weekends ,you watch news throughout the day.

    They are so messy ...teach them to keep their things properly . These habits once formed don't go away.

    A- With a smile....I know ....they get it from me and I got it from you. We are all chaotic .

    Why do they read books on tablet/ phone instead of real book ?

    A - Real books are costly. They read too many books . Books on screen have same information as paper books.
    They get the same pleasure from these books that we got from paper books.

    Samosas are as bad as pizzas.....just because it is desi ,it does not make it less junky.
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2020
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,627
    Likes Received:
    22,972
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Grandparents don't realise how many more serious things parents have to worry about these days and the little things they worry about are not so serious in comparision.

    Besides they don't realise that the grandkids are living in a world that is so different from their's . Comments like .."in our days we used to get clothes only on diwali " make no sense because the kids are growing in their days . Besides we are not going to deny the kids a good life because they did not have it .


    Grandparents also can't be faulted for something they don't know. Best is to explain and then move on.
     
    sindmani, Mehana and Rihana like this.
  5. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    463
    Likes Received:
    699
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    The fact is that playing outside is better than sitting with a screen; human interaction is also good. I myself feel uneasy when my kids sometimes do more than 2 hr watches a day and nothing outside seem to be as exciting as what they see on youtube.

    These days the habit of enjoying a calm beautiful thing is hard to put because the kids are more into hyper energy games. We parents must put extra effort to put this calming habit of enjoying free and beautiful nature, else it ain't happening.
    In our time we had no other option so we bonded with nature anyway, but this aint the case now; we have to drag them off screens and put the habit.

    I can see where the oldies come from when they talk about screen time and the kids do not have convos with them on their India trips. I actually agree with them. Same with the good food complaints, I agree to them too.

    But also I feel that sometimes the grand parents take it too far like asking kids to tell vamana satakalu etc and commenting about how they only relate to english poems. For me as long as my kids are being taught values, I does not really matter which language taught them. Same with my daughter refusing to wear studded dresses ( she itches in them). Those comments could be avoided to the mums and the kids.

    Our time 'technically'( literally) went super fast than theirs. Half of the things they dont even get. Some acceptance could help, rest of the genuine concerns are welcome :).
     
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    5,068
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    Hahaha.... there are so many desi foods that are so junky... everything is now delivered home by Zomato or Swiggy or someone-else.
    Never mind the occasional NRI visitor-child. It is the local resident child that can get all manner of junky foods -- sponsored by the grandparents with a conspiring, consuming grandchild who'd keep it a secret too. Parents (sometimes both employed) would never know why their darling is so chubby, even though they insist on organic kale salad, and all protein diet.

    yellowmango is a strong manager -- juggles such a lot !
     
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2020
  7. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    174
    Trophy Points:
    83
    Gender:
    Female
    My MIL and my Dad are both equally guilty of this. Especially the body shaming part.

    My daughter is on the heavier side of the scale (she is healthy, but inherits her genes from me - we dont look all lean and mean and muscular). MIL is constantly trying to get her to exercise (really? Trying to suggest that a 10 yr old run up and down the stairs before and after every meal?) . I used to be (and to an extent still am) the kind who cannot confront MIL . But one day, my daughter came to me and cried her heart out. Next day, I sternly told my MIL that she can be concerned about her grand daughter but I will not allow any more fat shaming. My daughter is healthy and active and the doctor says it is a healthy weight , so I am good with it too.
    My dad did the same - but because it was my dad, it was easier to tell him . I told him that he was hurting his grand-kid who was already overloaded with such comments from her paternal grand-mom. He stopped.

    Judging of Parenting skills from MIL come as constant "comparisons" or subtle reminiscence of "I used to be very strict with my sons. I would not let them talk to their dad like that". Agreed, My kids have the occasional argument with their dad , but it is resolved in 2 mins. But when MIL is around, she jumps in uninvited and defends my husband and says things like "You HAVE to respect your dad , even if he does something wrong" and my phoren kids cannot digest that :) Such things, I dont say a thing. I pick my battles. In fact, I enjoy that she is digging her own grave for the relationship she has with her grand-kids, I just grab the popcorn.

    Especially with the fat-shaming, I think Indians in general have low awareness - every conversation starts with "You've lost weight or you've gained weight). I mean, if you see a friend or a relative after a year or two, is that REALLY how you want to start ?
     
    sindmani and Angela123 like this.
  8. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    5,607
    Likes Received:
    7,703
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    If the grandparents are my parents,easily to let my mom know point blank.

    If it is in-laws..it is so stressful especially with that “the kid is so thin”,”you are not feeding her well” etc etc and even talking about skin color!

    It is so irritating.

    I too would like to know some
    Correct ways to handle them
     

Share This Page