When divorce is not the answer......!!

I know many people who fit the description you give. There are a lot of people for who divorce is the right option technically but the inertia or the fear of the unknown or the lack of a guarantee that the unknown is gonna be better than the present make them stay in the marriage.

In open societies, there may be understandings among couples as in open marriages and/or other life styles. In closed societies there are clandestine arrangements.

I guess life goes on and nature finds a way!

But my question is:

What is keeping these people together? There is something you are not saying. Are these people sexually not interested in each other but otherwise actually like each other? Something is missing from your premise.

 

I guess the idea of commitment in these relationships revolves around other things and not necessarily around monogamy (like sharing the domestic burden, an openness to experiencing different avenues of personal growth - that may or may not be possible if one partner is not willing to change with you over time etc)

 

This is my take 2:

It just hit me that this was indeed something I was thinking about as a way of life. A few assumptions:

• the two people trust each other
• have a family already
• like to keep assets together and pass down to the children

In other words, the couple wants to be friends and not give each other any kinda leverage over each other than what two trusting friends do.

A way to do this would be:

• take a divorce
• enter into agreement not to get married again
• not have more children
• keep the assets in a trust
• live under the same roof with the kids
• be friends
• be happy as neither can demand any thing from the other

 

That is neat. Except, we also will have to assume that the two have absolute certain control over their respective futures.

 

I personally know a colleague of mine (not Indian) in the above set up. Colleague has grown up kids in high school. Is thinking about dating now - which infact we(other colleagues) are all encouraging and the live in (divorced) spouse (who is just a friend and nothing more than that) has no objection to the idea. I did not go into detail with the buddy on why such an arrangement but it had been so for many years! Colleague very dedicated at work and seems to be contented.

Prad, are you talking of such arrangements? I still do not understand why such an arrangement.. even in my colleague's case..

 

Woww:thumbsup that was neatly explained!!!

I have known few couples too... in one of the couples case they both live under separate roofs, not divorced, but each of them take care of the kids like father comes home for all festivals, birthdays etc but he lives separately and if kids want to talk to him or meethim they go and meet him at his house. both the couple are kind of 60 yrs old now and they have been living in that arrangement since 20yrs...

In another couples case, both wife n husband live under same roof, but wife doesnt cook or talk to her husband. YES she doesnt talk to him or even passes by when he is around in the hall or anywhere...they have been living like that since 25 yrs...their kids are all married etc..but still they both live like that in the house

I guess such arrangements work when the kids are around ages of 16+ or so...as they understand the dynamics of marriage and family at that time. But for younger kids its tough to explain and digest that their parents live under separate roofs and still take care of them...

 

That reminds me of my mom's friend.. She was in love with someone but forcefully got married to another (decades back). But from LITERALLY day one she maintains her distance with her husband till date! She told him that she cannot accept him as husband for so and so reason.

They don't talk, smile, go together anywhere. Still under one roof. She is working. Talks cheerfully to others except her husband. It is just the 2 of them in their house. I fail to understand why they remain in that so-called marriage though..

 

I don't see any advantages to staying married for namesake and be in an alleged open relationship especially if the couple is living under one roof. First off, it curbs your social life not being able to date other people or bring them home if you still cohabit with your separated wife and kids. And if one of them wants to remarry, it poses legal hurdles as well.

Open relationships will work if you are into swinger lifestyle or other polygamous relationships where the married couple is able to maintain emotional connection with one person despite your polyamorous relationships.

I don't see the concept working in conventional marriages unless both people are not seeing other people or took a vow of celibacy after separation. It is much easier to explain the kids that mum and dad do not love each other anymore but yet both care for the kids and also do financial planning if you plan on leaving an inheritance to the kids. You don't need to stay married for namesakes to accomplish all that.

 

Can be quite messy methinks. Why not divorce and lead separate lives ?
It requires lots of guts to go painting the town red while being married but not married. How can one explain this to the kids whom one is trying to shield in the first place .
I one is so liberated then why not take the final step and cut all ties .
Open marriages are open for all to see and comment , it would be fooling oneself thats all.