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When Child Acts Embarrassed Of You?

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by momsky, Mar 30, 2017.

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Apr 1, 2017 #11

justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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There are two issues in ur post and I will try to address both.

1. Middle schools in my school district do not allow parents to drop off anything unless its a medication.
No missed HWs/lunches/projects/permission slips. Nothing. IF u miss the deadline for submission of a form u will miss the event.Period. If u forget ur lunch u will go without it or u are offered a school lunch on credit. Yes it seems hard and unforgiving and I have been furious at times myself esp when my boys invariably forgot one thing or another ..but I have to admit it has helped them tremendously in the long run.
They now take responsibility for their forms/hws/permission slips and boys have also stopped being picky about many things including whats being packed in their boxes. Anything, they soon found out was better than hunger or long cafeteria lines. Sooner they learn this less painful its going to be
. He will not always have the luxury of having someone ferry lunches to him . He leaves his lunch untouched because he knows he can get u to give him a hot lunch. Stop the service ..and get his coach to talk to him about missing food.
U will be surprised how quickly things change after a teacher has the ‘talk’
2. When I go out of the way (and hot lunch service is one) and my child expects me to hand it to the office and disappear like I am a fugitive I will withdraw the service. He will still get the lunch box in the morning but the delivery of it hot from the oven will be stopped. Being polite and gracious when people go out of their way to be nice to us is also a lesson one should teach kids early. People outside home will not always be so forgiving.

In case u are wondering..yes its a phase . Most of the kids I know including mine went through it. It gets better. I have expressed my sadness but never forced my company on them. But not being gracious or polite is something I do not tolerate....and they know it.

justanothergirl, Apr 1, 2017

justanothergirl, Apr 1, 2017

#11

Induslady, beautifullife30, sbonigala and 3 others like this.
Apr 1, 2017 #12

momsky Gold IL'ite

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BhumiBabe said: ↑

@momsky My brother started doing this around 5th grade, and by middle school and high school, he didn't want my mom or me (his older sister) coming into the school and embarrassing him. He was super loving at home, but was uncomfortable with us in his school environment. Everyone already knew us, so it's not like he was embarrassed about us. Though I can't say much about my dress sense back then... I think he was just embarrassed that he still needed us and that he's not an independent kid like his peers.

Regardless, now he's working (done with college and all), and he still seems really uncomfortable, when we are in his place of work/study. He can tolerate it, makes eye contact and has conversations, but we know better than to bother him too much there.

I think it's very normal, especially since at your son's age, children are trying to be independent and self-sufficient. They don't want to seem like they need their parents for everything.

About delivering him a hot lunch at school... What are you doing? He might seem like a baby to you, but he's growing up, and you need to let him figure out a way to deal with his lunches. Usually, at middle schools, they have microwaves available for students to use. If he asks the cafeteria staff or even his own teacher, he can find an option to heat his lunch. If they don't have a microwave in the cafeteria, they definitely have one in the teachers lounge. This is the age when children should be learning to become independent, so delivering food might seem like just an inconvenience to you, but it will affect his self-esteem. Will you still be delivering lunch to him in high school? The high school environment is even more uncomfortable to be seen with a parent, because at this point, most students are doing everything by themselves, including driving to school. As a parent, you don't want your child to struggle with food and lose weight, but at the same time, it is important that he learns to survive. You can't always be there to feed him.
Click to expand...

Thank you @BhumiBabe , bringing lunch to my children were never an inconvenience... there's no cafeteria in his school and parents/grandparents bringing hot lunch is a common sight... school has even set up a big table, with sticky notes and marker for use.

He's the team captain for volleyball and basketball this year so I don't think he has self-esteem issue. I can't think of high school right now but most likely, I will be giving allowance to buy his lunch.

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

#12
Apr 1, 2017 #13

momsky Gold IL'ite

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justanothergirl said: ↑

There are two issues in ur post and I will try to address both.

1. Middle schools in my school district do not allow parents to drop off anything unless its a medication.
No missed HWs/lunches/projects/permission slips. Nothing. IF u miss the deadline for submission of a form u will miss the event.Period. If u forget ur lunch u will go without it or u are offered a school lunch on credit. Yes it seems hard and unforgiving and I have been furious at times myself esp when my boys invariably forgot one thing or another ..but I have to admit it has helped them tremendously in the long run.
They now take responsibility for their forms/hws/permission slips and boys have also stopped being picky about many things including whats being packed in their boxes. Anything, they soon found out was better than hunger or long cafeteria lines. Sooner they learn this less painful its going to be
. He will not always have the luxury of having someone ferry lunches to him . He leaves his lunch untouched because he knows he can get u to give him a hot lunch. Stop the service ..and get his coach to talk to him about missing food.
U will be surprised how quickly things change after a teacher has the ‘talk’
2. When I go out of the way (and hot lunch service is one) and my child expects me to hand it to the office and disappear like I am a fugitive I will withdraw the service. He will still get the lunch box in the morning but the delivery of it hot from the oven will be stopped. Being polite and gracious when people go out of their way to be nice to us is also a lesson one should teach kids early. People outside home will not always be so forgiving.

In case u are wondering..yes its a phase . Most of the kids I know including mine went through it. It gets better. I have expressed my sadness but never forced my company on them. But not being gracious or polite is something I do not tolerate....and they know it.
Click to expand...

Thanks @justanothergirl , happy to hear this is just a phase. My children's school actually allows parents/grandparents to bring in hot lunches, they even have set up a specific table for this right outside the office.
The only lunch he will eat without it being hot is green leafy salad and plain non-oily bread, otherwise he will throw up. He threw up once in school already.

DS1 is very well-mannered according to the teachers and coaches so hoping this attitude will get better somehow.

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

#13

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Apr 1, 2017 #14

kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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Hi @momsky
Have you shared these incidents with your husband? What does he say?

Everyone here has given good suggestions so I am not going to add anything different.

At one point your son should also understand that no one, not even his mom, needs to do anything for him. Whatever his parents are doing for him is out of love for him and he should be graceful.

Yes, do cut him slack for his adoloscence, but he should realize the time, energy, love, and sacrifice his mom puts into those hot lunches everyday.

Best wishes

Last edited: Apr 1, 2017

kkrish, Apr 1, 2017

kkrish, Apr 1, 2017

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Apr 1, 2017 #15

momsky Gold IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

momsky, if it was not compromising his health, I would say stop this taking hot lunch to school practice, even if he is behaving well when you drop it off. But, if he is only eating a bite of lunch given in morning, and you have the option of dropping off hot lunch, then, just do it.

About the seeming to be embarrassed and not talking much or not talking at all, when you go to drop off lunch, I'd say, this is not a battle worth picking. Do let him know plainly and without hurt/emotion in your voice that how he is behaving is not right. But don't try to fix this. You can't give him any ultimatums/consequences in this matter, and without those, keeping on talking about this, is of no use, and only adds further unpleasantness.

I've been through phases where my kids were disrespectful (to me, never to dad), and we had so much going on that I let that slide. It's a cycle, they act up, I point it out, (sometimes with drama, yelling. Sigh), they write an apology note, or do something saintly like clean up room or dinner table unasked. And life goes on.

Bottom line - our kids still want us when they want to talk, when they need help for any school project, they want us when they are sick, when they are worried. I say, let this slide. Though do let it be known that what he is doing is hurtful. This "letting it be known" is a bit tricky, to do it without seeming passive aggressive.
Click to expand...

Thank you @Rihana , very well said. The last thing I want is my kids hating me.

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

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Apr 1, 2017 #16

momsky Gold IL'ite

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Thanks @kkrish

I told his Dad about it, he said it's normal and I'm being too sensitive... apparently, he saw some of DS1's peers being like this to their parents when he was in charge of the kids while i was away last year.. never believed it though since i never noticed it myself

kkrish said: ↑

Hi @momsky
Have you shared these incidents with your husband? What does he say?

Everyone here has given good suggestions so I am not going to add anything different.

At one point your son should also understand that no one, not even his mom, needs to do anything for him. Whatever his parents are doing for him is out of love for him and he should be graceful.

Yes, do give him benefit for his adoloscence, but he should realize the time, energy, love, and sacrifice his mom puts into those hot lunches everyday.

Best wishes
Click to expand...

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

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Apr 1, 2017 #17

kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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momsky said: ↑

Thanks @kkrish

I told his Dad about it, he said it's normal and I'm being too sensitive... apparently, he saw some of DS1's peers being like this to their parents when he was in charge of the kids while i was away last year.. never believed it though since i never noticed it myself
Click to expand...

Its good you husband is aware of it.
I am sure that he is also observing your son and will step in if he feels that your son is going out of boundary.

From your responses to other posters I feel you too want to give your son some time.

You should handle this in a way you and your husband see fit; only you know your child best.

Everything will turn out fine. Do not worry.
Blessings.

kkrish, Apr 1, 2017

kkrish, Apr 1, 2017

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Apr 1, 2017 #18

momsky Gold IL'ite

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kkrish said: ↑

Its good you husband is aware of it.
I am sure that he is also observing your son and will step in if he feels that your son is going out of boundary.

From your responses to other posters I feel you too want to give your son some time.

You should handle this in a way you and your husband see fit; only you know your child best.

Everything will turn out fine. Do not worry.
Blessings.
Click to expand...

My husband and I have separated. I did not want to mention it earlier as i don't want it to be a possible reason as to why my son is acting like this.

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

momsky, Apr 1, 2017

#18
Apr 1, 2017 #19

kkrish IL Hall of Fame

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momsky said: ↑

My husband and I have separated. I did not want to mention it earlier as i don't want it to be a possible reason as to why my son is acting like this.
Click to expand...

Ok. I apologize for assumimg otherwise.

No. I will not say that is the reason. All adolescent, boys at least, go thru this phase.

I stil feel it is good his dad is aware and am sure he will address your son if he feels the situation warrants it.
Once again I repeat, all will be fine. Do not worry.

Blessings.

Last edited: Apr 1, 2017

kkrish, Apr 1, 2017

kkrish, Apr 1, 2017

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Apr 1, 2017 #20

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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momsky said: ↑

Thank you @BhumiBabe , bringing lunch to my children were never an inconvenience... there's no cafeteria in his school and parents/grandparents bringing hot lunch is a common sight... school has even set up a big table, with sticky notes and marker for use.
Click to expand...

Generally, schools do not encourage parents dropping off anything in school, including lunch, forgotten projects or homework. They send periodic reminders to parents that this is not allowed. They call it the no-rescue policy. Your school seems to allow it and even has a table set up. So, you could go with the flow.

How come no cafeteria? Is there lunch available to buy? Where do kids eat lunch? There is no special area called cafeteria maybe, but there will be a forum or big indoor place where kids eat lunch, no?

He's the team captain for volleyball and basketball this year so I don't think he has self-esteem issue.
Click to expand...

Both are very physically intensive sports. In particular, basketball. Don't pick this battle. He needs proper nutrition every day. But you could start addressing the "won't eat packed lunch" problem slowly. Try out various options, and see which packed food works at least somewhat. Then, give that once a week.

In my high school, I have seen many parents dropping off food at break and lunch times, and after school if kid is going straight to sports practice. Mostly, it is what they got from drive-thru of fast food place!

Rihana, Apr 1, 2017

Rihana, Apr 1, 2017

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