Whats in my FILs mind?

riyagan · Jan 19, 2012

we live in the house in which first floor is my sil's and ground floor ours as per the arrangement made by our fil.. infact my hubby spent money to build the house while he was in theUS. as well my fil changed the ground floor in his name only when he needed to take loan trough my hubby. he gave the first floor to daughter on her wedding while it was under construction ...

i hav no problem with all these things right now...y'day my fil called my hubby to keep name plates (metal letters) the names of my hubby and and sil infront of the house..my sil is divorced and living with pils..even if she gets married she will go live with her hubby... so why all of a sudden my fil think of engraving their names? am not asking for engraving my name...not cheap to claim for other's property..am really looking forward to own a house in future not some grand parents prop..i feel its one of the things that my fil does to humiliate me and show that am not one in the family. At first my hubby hesitated telling names are not necessary infront of the house..but my fil bribed him 10k for the expense and my hubby's nearing b'day..
i just want to know my fil's intention this time.. (my fil's name board already ther infront of the house)

ShilpaMa · Jan 19, 2012

Parents can only think about their kids and their welfare whether they're single/married/separated/divorced.
They want to see only their kids, their names / engravings etc etc. If they're on vacation/ diff city/ house... they're missing the child they're not with... they're hardly missing DIL/ SonIL.

DILs are last on their mind to irritate.. thats what I feel as of now...
Its just that the DIL doesn't see her name or maybe an invisible mention in format/ fontsize or color that she feels irritated on the basic realisation of.. even tho you left your parents home.. you really cant find a home elsewhere... until you yourself pick a property and pay the EMIs and engross ur name on the name platee.

monita · Jan 19, 2012

Alas, these are common irritants of joint family system. Your DH can tell your father that since he is the head of the family and his name is there it is enough or he can put the surname with an S, which will include all the members of the family. It's really hard to know what your FIL's intention is, we will have to get into his brain to find out. Probably, he has nothing to do and his mind is working overtime, or may be someone is influencing him.

riyagan · Jan 19, 2012

shilpama, ur reply always been appealing even if u hav to disagree to others points... i really wud learn it from u.

Let me disagree with "DILS are last on their mind to irritate"

my MIL used to mention everytime "my house my house my rule my rule, if not follow get out of my house" when i stayed with pils even in my hubby's presence.. my hubby had hard skin and wud say that the house is in her name ..so she can say it. no wonder that he dint leave even when she told us to move out.(she said "get out of MY HOUSE if u dry clothes in the sun light - yes that was a big issue for her - she always dry clothes on the floor inside the house..thats one of the rules and i dint follow it..so she asked us to leave her house..and the house is of my hubby's g.parents..not hers nor her hubbys...still she cud call it her house) My mil knwing that her son is already numb of her rants and yellings told those just to tease and belittle me... my fil smoked inside the dining room even after knowing that we both were havin dinner. we were eating..He came straight to the corner chair in the dining room sat and started smoking..
he never gave this much money to my hubby's birthday ever.. rather he always complained that my hubby never done anything to him in terms of money...my hubby hated his father all along his life due to his mother. they hadnt even talked to eachother.. only mail convs. my hubby used to keep b'day presents on his bed when my fil not there.. my fil transfer 2k standard amount to his account on my hubby's b'day so far.. my mil and fil are in a life long feud that they dont talk to each other (the last 5years she sleeps in a separate room) once she left the house writing letter that she will never come back..(thats another drama targeting me..she came back in a couple of days) that time only the father and son rebuilt their relationship and became closer.. i dont know if these infos gives even a vague idea about my fil's nature.

i still think that its my fil's another silly idea to humiliate me. he wont call me to wish on my b'day. rather he wud call my hubby and convey wishes..(anyway i dont want him to wish) he wont invite me for functions..but he wud tell my hubby to bring me. even this also to show a "goody dad" pose to my hubby..and create a bad pic of me... anyway am all set to play along and act.. as someone said in the other thread..just like politicians..

riyagan · Jan 19, 2012

Monita, its already too late for any suggestions to my hubby..he is full fledged to put his and sil's name as exactly as his dad wants. but i dont bother about it. i agree with ur last line..that should be it.

monita · Jan 19, 2012

riyagan,
your Ils are a bit strange in their behaviour. When they have been telling you to get out of the house, is it not possible that you move out? You will have more peace of mind then. About the house, since it's your DH's grandparents' house, legally, your Fil, DH and SIl have equal share in it to my knowledge. But most of the time, people don't have much regard for the legalities in these matters. They believe what they want to believe. And your Mil's comments- get out of my house. She is indeed saying this to irritate you.

ShilpaMa · Jan 19, 2012

Riya, whatever you explained your situation is/was mine.
"Get out of the house" statements issued at drop of hat.. .not just from her owned house but even my rented house... to me and worst to my parents.
Even I used to burn my blood and sweat by these irritants and think that they did this ONLY to irritate me.

When you get time and peace, you'll realise that they're not bothered about us, our LIKES .... THEY do things that are best suited to them and their nature.. they're best to their kids or pretend to be... cos now they got a NON BLOOD RELATED punching bag to deliver their frustrations of life.... and when the goals are different the decisions or directives of such Monarchs appear as irritant.
The day you distance yourself from the impression that people do something to irritate you... you'll realise no one can actually irritate you.

riyagan · Jan 19, 2012

Monita, we already moved out and living in another house of theirs..ironically its not because that my mil asked us to move out.. but when she came back after she her "run away from home" she acted very strange and she started taunting me like anything and thats when my hubby decided to move out.. we live in the ground floor and my sil's tenant in the first floor.. we are in a different area away from my inlaws in the same city... hence the manipulations of inlaws hav an impact on my hubby sometimes. frankly am least interested in property and names.. am just curious to know my fil's mind.

riyagan · Jan 19, 2012

Shilpama, they are unaware of what they do? arent they more experienced than us and wud nt they be aware of what their deeds will do to others? i agree that dils and sonLs cant be treated as their own children..but this is something planned to hurt. ofcourse its silly issue...but its definitely a Tease.. how this benefits his son or daughter (putting names infront of house) he is doing this to make his children happy more than he try to irritate me? may be he wud hav had both in mind. as monita said his mind is working overtime and someway feels insecure.

but i agree to ur optimistic thoughts to keep us cool in such situations.

ShilpaMa · Jan 19, 2012

Riya, certain parents never mature to think beyond their own child.. for them none others matter, they boast and live in the well engraved with their kids, bearing their names, achievement and medals.... for such parents their kids' spouse are medals.. to be hung on a wall/ cupboard and dusted when really dirty. Degress can still be enlisted on house door with their child's name but not yet medals.

have you ever noticed a mother around you... when 2 or more playing children contend for a toy.. they're just focussed on their child's need, do you think the mother did partiality to tease or irritate other child... or becos that child's mother wasn't present... NOT necessarily... she just dint bother to accept the feeling of other child.. cos it was beyond her maturity levels... she never counted the other child. She just wants everything for her child.

Teasing activities are like bringing food to your mouth and taking it away... did they ever consider you as a family that they're taking it away?
PPl can tease you until they're getting gratification/ confirmation that you're getting teased... you can leave them numb with non-expression.