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What Would You Do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by madhat, Feb 11, 2021.

  1. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    I am a person who loves to make good friends. I thought I could be a good friend to my co-sis but it did not work out for some reason. She thought I was being inconsiderate by not inviting them to stay at my place when we went on a trip to India for a month. My DH knows that I have been pestering him to tell his brother that he could stay at our place and we can leave the keys at the reception. But DH did not say it and I was too busy with a newborn and my trip. I believe from there it started to get worse. She has mentioned this to my m-i-l and I knew about it 5 years later.
    They moved to India and from then onwards they have never called to wish us - forget festivals or New years, they have never called once to wish us for our birthdays or anniversary's or even the kids birthdays for that matter.
    Since calls from N.America used to be expensive, we used to call them. The talks always used to be icy with her.' Hi, Hello, How are you, Everything okay' etc. That's all it used to be. I did this because DH asked me to and just to not blow up this matter and since I am the older bahu even though she is almost my age [only 2 months younger to me].
    Even now what with the whatsapp messaging and all, they never ever call us or wish us for anything. But I had asked her number and said that it would be easy to chat and always wish her for festivals, New Years, birthdays , anniversary's etc.
    She is still like a moron. My DH keeps saying 'you be the magnanimous one and do the right thing' . I agree on that point but I thought family relationships are 2 way right.
    Their anniversary is coming soon and my DH is like ' Bro's and s-i-l's anniversary, we need to call and wish them'. My mind goes to the ''NO' I will not ' and it ends up with an argument and finally a phone call where I have to talk reluctantly with anger and frustration inside me.
    I feel all this happens because my DH fails to see my point. My b-i-l is all with his wifey and they do things together and no disagreement ever shows.
    I thought my DH would change a bit after 1 baby, 'NO' maybe after the second ' NO' , maybe after a few years?, 'NO'.
    Waiting for the change from my DH to understand me and not think that if he does what I like , he becomes a henpecked husband.

    Just my ranting here girls. What would you do? Continue calling to wish them even thought they don't?
     
  2. Thoughtful

    Thoughtful Gold IL'ite

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    What happens if you say No to your DH. He can make up an excuse on why you are not on the phone call or embarrass himself if he wishes to make the call.
     
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  3. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Play the game and not care so much.

    wish them on their special days,act like you care even if you don’t... atleast you won’t be seen as the bad person in your husbands eyes( you currently are seen as the reluctant one which I know you’re not...you just want what’s fair). Play the game and even sometimes suggest from beforehand like reminding him that it’s their birthday or whatever...one day (it will take time) he will get fed up and question them and why they don’t keep in touch...he’ll even mention it to his mother...

    As for the co sis ignore her behaviour and keep it sweet...mention the house thing to her and say yeah we’d love for you to stay there but we were busy last time and forgot to the pass the message on...it’s a good job mil Told us because otherwise we wouldn’t have known...but u can stay there whenever u want...always act happy too...


    Whatever good you do make sure you do in front of your husband so he’s aware of your kindness....don’t argue and don’t say bad things or negative things no matter how angry you get because it’s human nature to defend them...it will take a couple of times to change his views...like wish them on their anniversary ...make a big deal out of it...but if they forget on yours don’t say anything and celebrate yourself...he’ll be waiting for their call and when they don’t..his ego will get hurt...but if u say look they didn’t wish...he’ll defend them...so better not to say anything...
     
  4. Patientone

    Patientone Silver IL'ite

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    Don’t stop speaking to them because I think that’s where some women go wrong. Atleast you know what’s going on in their lives. Also, don’t give your husband a chance to tell you it’s their anniversary...you remind him...keep bugging him to call...and then you call...have a nice chat and then report everything back to him...he’ll feel left out and will question their selfish behaviour...
     
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  5. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    Diplomats don't pout.
    They make the telephone call, and talk to the worst kind of people on the planet.
     
  6. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Gold IL'ite

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    So your husband did not invite them to stay at your place when they needed a place to say even after you had told him to do so? Hmmm... Ok tell your H to deal with the aftereffects, then? Hmmm.. So did they just mentioned it to the Mil and picked a fight? I just asked because you mentioned your co sis as moron...I think the feelings maybe mutual there because they are also not showing any interest here.. Your husband is the one who is forcing you to talk.

    OP, have a talk with your husband that maybe he not inviting them for a stay may had hurt them. Ask your husband to have a talk with his brother and clear the air if he wants to make the relationship better. He forcing you to call them is not going to solve the problem.
     
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  7. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Finest Post Winner

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    Looks like the whole "not inviting" issue was more than 5-10years ago. No point in holding grudges or bringing the matter out freshly either between you husband and wife or to the bil and co-sis.
    Let bygones be the bygones.
    Communication gap and such petty issues can ruin any relationship which seems to be the case here too.
    Be normal from your end. If they don't wish its fine. You call and wish. No harm in wishing good on their special days right? Be the bigger person. Let your heart heal. I am sure you will feel better once you let go of the grudges.
    Everything in life is not done as business deal of "what do I get in return?" Especially being kind and wishing on ocassions like birthdays atleast kids birthdays will not cost you anything right?
    If they do not wish, its fine. Tell your husband at the most, you can wish on their kids bdays and not on theirs. This should be fine with him too.
     
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  8. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

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    Relationship will never mend just because of wishing on their anniversaries etc when there is no reciprocation. It’s just a formality what you are doing out of frustration from your end. I think better not to even wish unless you have indeed forgiven them or you have healed yourself. Let your husband wish with all his heart and let it alone be there until you have healed.

    A husband who is understanding his wife shouldn’t force anything especially when the fault lies with his family members. He should give some respect to wife’s feelings.

    You need to discuss with your husband and tell that you will not wish until the relationship improves. If you continue to wish them because of your husband it can also indirectly tell your husband’s side family that no matter how they behave there won’t be any consequences as your husband wouldn’t allow his side of family to be ignored.

    Gather your courage to talk with your husband and let him know your feelings and your decision.
     
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  9. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    Then it invariably ends up in a bad mood situation for us and he preaching to me to be the bigger person and all. I have been through it these 20 years.

    yes, thanks, my mom used to say this exactly. I think thinking something and acting something comes with practice. I normally show and act what I feel which is truthful for me. I will try to do what you say and see what happens. The thing is I have to force myself to do this for my DH because I have started to dislike them now and what with m-i-l constantly glorifying my co-sis as if she is from heaven. I know I have to mature up more to brush this off but 20 yrs of marriage has still not got this maturity in me. what am I missing?? :-(
     
  10. madhat

    madhat Platinum IL'ite

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    It was not actually explicitly mentioned that they needed a place to stay. As b-i-l was looking for jobs and it was a just incase he got an interview in canada that he would come. When I could think of this before hand and mention it to my DH, I became the bad person and not my husband because she cannot complain about him to his own mother right?? Not sure if my husband will talk about it. I may have to bring up the topic but the situation has not come up and my ego is also causing a conflict since I never thought any wrong.

    it's been almost 20 yrs now. Every time we meet I keep it nice and very formal that's all. See calling to wish for anniversaries and birthday's are thoughtfulness and that's what gives the warmth of a relationship, be it friends or family. It is okay to forget a couple of times. I am not saying you have to wish everytime. But the wish from their side has never happened in these 20 yrs is what I am saying. But we have been very punctual in wisging them every year.
     
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