What To Tell Child After Divorce

Dear cool10,
feel sorry for ur current situation.i will be the last person to encourage Divorce.but being the victim u might have analysed the issue very well & taken a decision.
u said u are contesting . what for? for union or maintenance ? based on that advice will differ.
Your in laws saying that they will get their son married soon & get children is very cruel. are they god? let God decide that.
It is quite natural to think of ending life. many of us had such thoughts in bad times.pl note suicide is not the solution. further it will create its own Karma very worst - the soul will be wandering for a long time without peace & will not meet with an immediate rebirth. ur current plight is due to previous karma though it is triggered bu ur husband & their family.so pl don't invite further karma. u have no right to end ur daughters life.for what purpose god had made her ,u don't know.She may become a famous person in future. i am a cancer patient .i was quite strong initially but now i am breaking down & sometimes my thoughts are negative. i try to conquer my emotions. If u go what will happen to ur dear child in case she survives for whom only u had been patient so far & endured the sufferings.What she had done to loose both parents except she had born in such a cruel family.
u have not said why u are treated like this.
in case ur marriage ends in D ,pl think that u are now destined to play the role of mother & father & take care of ur daughter.
For some yrs u can tell some lies to her about her dad.now children have more IQ.when the time comes u can tell her.Don't try to induce any enmity towards her father in her heart as it will never get erased. In case he repents & joins u it will be easier for u to forgive but not for her if deep hatred is created in her mind.
what about u ? do u hate ur husband or his actions or still something left in ur heart despite all sufferings.
i pray that all Gods & saints on earth & heaven bless u & help u !
" The woods are lovely dark & deep but i have promises to keep & miles to go before i sleep"

 

I looked at your earlier posts. Think about it: what's the difference between crying within a miserable, exploitative marriage and crying when divorced? You tried to reconcile (why I can't imagine), it didn't work out. Now you have eliminated a serious negative in your life - and that of your daughter's. Do you really want to raise a child with such a man? Someone who would attempt to extort cash in return for a reconcilaition? These are not good people. Consider yourself lucky that you got away. I hope you are contesting for child support and not the divorce itself.

As for your daughter, children are more resilient than you might imagine. Even if you are concerned about her being fatherless, try not to weigh her down with your confused emotion. Try to consciously project a confident image - fake it till you make it. When she is older, you can explain to her what really happened. That shakedown story alone would be sufficient for her to see that divorce was the right thing here. Until then, all she needs to know is that sometimes things don't work out between adults.*

I am more concerned about your state of mind. I am actually taken aback that you are unable to muster up your anger as a barrier against those tears, self-pity and sense of defeat. Why would you want to be married to such a worm? Why abase yourself so much? Find the help you need. The greatest contribution you can make to your daughter's well-being over the long term is to work on yourself, on regaining your composure, stability and confidence. If she can see that you are happy, she will be happy.

*If questions come up, you might say something like this, at bedtime, when she is not hyper: "My job is to take care of you, to teach you and make sure that you stay safe and grow up to be a confident, successful, happy young woman. Some things are hard to explain to children. I promise that I will tell you everything when you are 21. Always keep in mind that I love you very much". That's all that need be said. Repeat as often as necessary, with emphasis on your responsibility as a parent and your love for her.

 

Sorry to hear about your divorce. It seems to me that you are financially independent , which is a big positive in your situation right now. Your ex husband and in laws are no doubt terrible . The fact that your ex refuses to have anything to do with your daughter speaks volumes about his character. Your daughter is better off not having a father like that. Make peace with your situation and move on with your head held high. You are the mother and father for your child . So feel very very proud of that.
I assume your parents are supportive. Your dad can be a father figure for your daughter . I assume she will start asking all the relevant questions when she is around 7-8 . You can tell her then that her father is not around but no details and no negativity.
Please do not think about ending your life. It will mean that your ex husband and in laws have won this battle , since they will continue to live without any regret . Instead your revenge is not thinking about them , moving on gracefully and raising your daughter to be a compassionate successful human being .

 

Do you think you were given a chance to be born just to suffer at the hands of a bad man and his family? That's it? And what is your daughter's fault in this? Having a bad father or a mother who is ok to take abuse and cry for the abuser?

An abusive home with two parents is a hell to any children. It's better to have a happy peaceful home with one parent.

Do you think he's going to give you or your daughter any love or peace no matter how hard you try?

What are you fighting for here? Since you can manage financially, A good name in the society that you adjust no matter what? A social status which is considered normal with everyone? Or accept that something didn't go right in your life? Or most importantly, your daughter to continue to witness and live through this trauma and abuse all her life?

I know of kickass single moms. They focus on their career, their kids, n even socially keep them active in terms of family n friends and always stand tall. They say "why should I spoil my whole life or of my children's just because my marriage went wrong? Marriage is an important part of life but not the 'only' part of life. I gave my 300% to make my marriage work, but it didn't. My children would have suffered more and we would have lived in constant abuse, fear and instability. But now I see that they are happy because I make them happy and in turn I am happy. I have realized that I play the only important role in my children's life so it's upto me to bring them with positivity and happiness because if I pass my bitterness and negativity to them, how different am I from my abusive ex".

And some of them has actually found wonderful partners or spouses and they are genuinely happy. And a few of the second hubby even refused to have any children of his own taking the first hubby's kids as theirs, giving all his love.

The reason I mentioned all that is to let you see that there are many out there who are doing very well after a divorce. And there is always a mix of the good and the bad people. Kids adapt better than we think, it's us who keeps pulling ourselves down most of the time.

If your daughter sees you down and depressed all the time, she's gona become like that too. And if she sees you happy n confident, she's become like that too. So it's upto you to decide and show the way of life to her.

Teach her to respect herself first by respecting yourself. You living n accepting an abuser shows her that abuse is acceptable and she too should be quiet when it happens to her. And do you really want to teach her that?

This is an important junction in your life. The decisions you make here can make or break yours and your daughters life.

 

please oh please for the sake your daughter , pull yourself up.. getting a divorce from this sham of a marriage is the best thing to happen to you both. your soon to be ex not keeping in touch with your daughter is a good thing , he might actually poison her mind , be a negative influence on her. op, the best revenge you can take is to now create a happy peaceful life for you and your daughter . 20 years from now your ex should see you and your daughter leading happy successful lives and repent for cutting you both away . for that to happen you need to become a positive c onfident person . when your daughter asks about her father ,be as honest as per her age and maturity . yes, she will grow up without a father , that something will be missing in her life . but everybody will have something or the other missing in their lives . you can offset this drawback by being a strong positive force in her life .( right now , you seem to be very distraught , I hope this phase ends soon). your story seems to remind me of shweta tiwari's story. if you have faith , you will have a happy ending too.

 

Dear cool10,
I remembered you from your previous threads...this moment I earnestly prayed to God to give you the much needed strength to get past this situation...the worst is gone..your life will definately become more happy than you expected...don't think much about father for child etc..your h doesn't have any qualities of a father and ll soon pay a huge price for abandoning you both...hope your child is doing good now..
Don't take any decisions in haste..demand alimony, child support, bring all your stuffs back. Fight for your rights atleast for the sake of your angel...if you have money in your hands you will definitely feel powerful...so don't leave him free..
I am waiting for a positive update from your side and with a happily ever after ending soon..I consider your daughter as the gaurdian angel who saved you from hell...hold on to her tiny hands..god bless both of you..

 

there are many articles surrounding this issue...You can also take help from child pshycologist

 

Dear Madam,

I do understand the situation.I don't know what to suggest after reading this but in my worst times of my life Sai Baba has helped me and everytime I did Sai Baba vrat all my wishes were fulfilled.You can google the procedure of doing Sai vrat.No body goes empty handed whoever prays to him.
May Sai Baba bless you.
Below is the link you must watch to make yourself feel motivated.My earnest request for you to watch this.

 

One of the person I knew was taking a help of child psychologist on what to tell their child and how to tell their child. Can you explore that option?

Pull yourself up and stay strong atleast for your daughter. Make sure she remembers you as a fighter not a victim.

<<Hugs>> This testing period will pass soon and you will have better time ahead.