What to do with an alcoholic manipulative husband?

Hey everyone. I have been married 4 years and have a 2 year old dd. I knew he did drink occasionally but it was only after marriage I came to know he was an alcoholic. Anyways the first two years of marriage were nothing less than hell. I begged, cried, pleaded, fought, asked him lovingly, I did everything in my power to make him stop. But he didn’t. 2 years into our marriage we had DD which made him stop drinking daily to once a month and gradually weekly once. I was ok with it thinking something is better than nothing. He suddenly had a serious relapse 2 months back for no apparent reason and started drinking constantly. He started working from home and this added to the misery. He became to lose total control of himself. He used to exhibit classic alcoholic symptoms, drinking secretly, started drinking throughout the day etc. On 3 different occasions in one month he lost total control and acted in unacceptable way. He began breaking things, hitting me and not remembering anything the next day. He cried the first 2 times and I took him back. The 3rd time was the limit. My parents are visiting so he should atleast have the minimum courtesy to behave himself. No, that night he was drinking ‘secretly’. He doesn’t want me to know but I can smell alcohol from a mile over because of all the stress I had been through the first 2 years. I did not want any trouble and decided to sleep in a separate room. Mind you, nobody at home knew about this and they were outside at this time. I was in my room, he comes and keeps asking me why I did this (nuvvu enduku ila chesav?) the question was directed to the fact that I had asked him in the morning that we did not have money pay off loans and home mortgage but to buy his mother gold bangles? His mother had visited us and we had spent over 20k in 6 months on his side of the family no joke… He hit me, choked me, and in his drunken stupor took dd and locked the door. This was the last straw. She was crying incessantly and he would not open the door. I could not wait to find the spare key, so I broke the door and took DD. He became yelling, how dare you break the door, don’t you think I can break the door. I told him DD was crying and I wasn’t thinking and that you are so drunk that u cannot take care of her. He did not listen. By this time my dad had come home and saw what was happening. Up until this point he did not know H’s drinking problem. H continued to threaten me, he said he will show me he could also break the door and broke the same door to the extent it came out of the wall. He continued on to break the chandelier. My father asked him to calm down, he wouldn’t. He took DD and locked the bedroom again. This time I got the key and tried taking the DD but he wouldn’t give her to me. She cried to the point she vomited and I took her away somehow. He wouldn’t stop. He used to stay in his room, drink, come out and ask me why I had broken the door. Whatever happened before and after that fact didn’t matter. He came downstairs and threatened to break doors and started becoming violent. I was so fed up I told him I will call the cops if he didn’t stop. There were already scratch marks on my neck so it wouldn’t be so hard to convince them he hit me. His drama wouldn’t stop. It was already 3 hours into all this and I had been pleading him all the while, he says we weren’t meant to be together and we should tell my dad we need a divorce. My dad was stunned at this behaviour. He did calm down after the cop threat.

The next day he started drinking again and kept asking me if I had taken a decision and lets go to your dad and tell him. I had never involved my parents in our fights before. But this was the limit. I was so mad that I called my dad and told him I wanted to divorce this person. I was dead serious about this matter. H got mad that I had told my dad before telling him. This was ridiculous as the day before he was telling my dad all this. Anyways he knew I was very serious on this issue. The next few days he sobered up, said his sorrys and that we should get back to normal, and he wouldn’t do this again and whole nine yards I had gotten used to listening for the first 2 years. This time I told him to go to counselling and rehab if neccessary but he wanted to try on his own. and he is being ok now. Drinks once a week which is better than everyday.
But things never got back to normal. Because I had asked for a divorce I became superbad. His family became his everything. He has no concern for me at this point.
Three days back he tells me we have nothing remaining in this marriage, that he would rather trust a stranger than me, that he feels bad he is putting DD through all this. He is finding it hard to talk to me. He is putting up an act everyday. That I had betrayed his trust. It has been a month since that fight. He hasn’t and is not wiling to forget. He wants to go to India to have some space. I told him I am trying my best to work things through and to be close to him, making plans for just the two of us to spend time alone but no.
It was his idea to work things through. It was his idea for us to take a vacation to work things through. Now he doesn’t want to do any of that and just escape to his family so that they can feed his ego and make him feel he is the best person in the world. They should because I have just seen he has bought his sister 150grams worth of necklace. And I am here typing this post wondering if I should leave him at least now. I have moved out of the bedroom along with DD. He has stopped talking to me. I have stopped talking to him too. I have had it now. He feels I will stay put no matter what. This is a game for him. If I say one thing now he will blame it on me and leave to india.

Should I leave him already? I am sick and tired of this behaviour. I have tried my best to make this marriage work. I am screwing up my future and career for this person. I don’t even know how to approach this situation anymore. He is 35 but acting like a 10 year who will run to his mommy first chance something goes wrong. According to him everything is my fault. What do I do now?

 

Thanks navyar, this is exactly what i what to know as well. I dont know what trust i have betrayed. He himself exposed his disgusting behaviour in front of my father. I have never brought up his drinking habit in front of my parents. His side of the family know his behaviour all too well but have never said a word against it because they fear he will shut them out like he has done to me.
He keeps asking me why i exposed him in front of my parents. I dont understand if i did do that or not. Even i am confused now. i think he doesnt want patch up until i say sorry for that day. This is the dumbest thing ever. WHy should i say sorry? what did i do? there were two instances just 2 weeks before this happened which followed the exact pattern. He got drunk, not regular drunk.. and started fighting at 2am. and then said sorry the next, cried and everything. and then 3 days later started drinking at 10 am. this was the 3 rd time that this happened and fortunately my parents were there to witness this. Because i asked for a divorce he says he has lost trust in me. I have given up everything, money issues everything. Instead of helping save our marriage, his family is buying jewellery at this point. I dont want to save this marriage anymore. He has stopped drinking daily to twice a week and that too not out of control but he is not letting this fight go. He needs to blame me on this and I am calmly listening and not saying anything. Basically he is not getting any response from me and this irks him. I really feel he is manipulating me this time. And I am not budging. I have asked him to do whatever he wants. Should I tell him the marriage is over if he goes to india without resolving this issue?

 

The funny thing is hoping something good could come out of it, I called his elder brother, his father is no more, and told him what happened. I hoped he would atleast talk to H and put some sense into him. Instead his brother began lecturing how good H was, that he is financial, socially and educationally higher than him so he cant say anything to him. And that he wasnt here to witness what had happened and that it was my word against his brother's. His brother knows H's behaviour all too well. How could he say that since he wasnt here to see what happened he couldnt comment. So i told him next time this happens i will call the cops and they can decide what really happened. Instead of talking to him, they are supporting him. Ridiculous.