what to do with -a momma's boy hubby n an insecure over possessive m.i.l

Hey Kenny,

I am very very sad to listen that ur hubby doesnt have slightset of idea about how his actions affect you How does he react when he finds out that u are unhappy, what does he do to fix it ??? I just wanna know how is he otherwise and how does he treat u .....cos if he is fine on other fronts and if this is the only front he is not understanding, then something can be done ! Do u think he will be willing to go and see a marriage counsellor..cos I had to take my hubby to one and trust me it did help a lot !!! She told him things the way they were and he since then he has started to see what I was telling him and he has startd to acknowledge that his family is wrong on many ocassions too ! The counsellor asked me to make some chnages in my attitude, which I did ! See if that works ...that is one suggestion !

Try giving him examples of friends/ relatives who he knows about how well they treat their wives and how the hubby is suppose to maintan a balance b/w mom and wife ...maybe that helps !

Try talking to him, ask him why does he always think that u are wrong and not the MIL....ask him why will u misunderstand her ??? wat will u get out of this ???? Its very imp to find out how his thought process works and then once u find that out, u will be able to fix it !

I will wait for ur reply and then manybe I can give u more concrete suggestions !

BUT ONE THING IS FOR SURE UR MIL WILL AND NEVER BE A MOM TO U !

Good Luck girl !

 

Hey Kenny,

I can understand how men will feel when asked to see a marriage counsellor in india.... It will be right in their face for them !

If I was you I would give in, keep my mouth shut and then by actions highlight the things that the MIL is doing wrongly and when see that the husband is able to see some things then open my mouth !

When you know ur mil is a pile on then try to plan short trips over the weekend to get away from all this .... What I can see is that UR mil is very very insecure and she doesnt wanna give u guys even a second cos she fears then the son might get close to his wife and get out of her clutches !!! And she has been succesfull in doing that so far

What will ur hubby say if u tell him that u want to go out on a romantic dinner with him on the weekend ???

Why can't u plan a short trip - over the weekend for ur bday, anniversary ?? If he says he wants to take his mom along then tell him nicely that its ur marriage anniversary and u got married to him

How will he react when u tell him that u want to spend some time with him - Like a date ???

See if u will tell him that u wanna get rid of his mother and not want her to tag along he will not understand ..instead u have to remind him of things that he thinks is fine for you two to do !!!

I mean when do you guys go and do your stuff...like things that matter to you both ??? Don't you go out and shop for clothes, things for ur room, accessories for car etc... I know I am giving u weired examples but U just need to get out of that house without the MIL....

Say for instance - If I know my mil will go for her kitty party next week (as u have mentioned in ur previous post that she does go out with her friends and comes late) I will plan the day accordingly and say to my hubby that lets go out as well cos mom is going away too and maybe ur hubby can call in sick ....this way u will not have her hanging around in the house or if you guys decide to go out ! I am sure ur hubby can take one day off !!!

How do u guys celebrate new years eve ??? Has he not got any office colleagues and have u not got any school/college friends ??? Try to plan things with them cos chances are then ur mil will not tagg along !

Kenny its very important for your hubby to feel and understand that its OKAY for him to spend time with his wife without him mom being around ! Once he gets used to spending quality time with u he will want it more and more ..but the problem is that he has not even tasted how it feels like to have quality time with his wife and U have to get him to taste that !

I mentioned in my previous posts as well why can't you pick him up from work or just catch a cab and go to his work place - give him a surprise and then take off from there ! U mentioned his work is few hours drive from home, I am sure he's not that insane to drive back few hours just to pick up that old fish !

There is anything that ur MIL doesnt enjoy doing ???? If u dont know then find that out and stress on doing that activity more and more (without mentioning that u dont want ur mil to tag along!)

Kenny u have to make him believe u that U have no wrong intentions for him mom and u think very very highly of her !! Once he believes that, you will be able to make him see and rationalise things...until then you will have to keep shut ! When he has his eyes shut confronting him will not help or make ur situation better in any way !

Dont show him that u are getting involved in ur maternal family affairs or u talk to ur parents everyday or often cos it will come back and bite u in ur back ! Try to show him that u are very naive and do as told by his family and its the mom who always has an issue every time ! I know its very very hard to keep ur mouth and eyes shut when u are well educated, but unfortunately u dont have too many options here ! Trust me it will get better but will take a long time ! I have few examples of my friends who were in the same situatuion and the husbands realised this after a long time that all this complaining always come from their mum and the tables have turned now ! U just have to be patient !

I will tell u from my example - I asked my hubby the other day as to why he always defended his parents - why did he never think that they can be wrong - and I was shocked to listen to his answer - he said that if he sides me and his parents find out that he is a hen pecked hubby they will make his life miserable ! It took me 5 years to get this out of him and after so so so many fights, breaking so many things in the house, taking him to a marriage counsellor, haveing so many fights, arguments and confrontation with him and his parents !

It is not easy and it was never meant to be easy ! Just hang in there and it will start to improve !

Luck girl

 

Hiya !

I can feel for you girl...I know exactly how u feel cos these are the tricks my mil played for a very long time and infact she still tries whenever given a chance ! What I have been able to analyse is that ur husband has inhibitions - and maybe that is of having another women in his life other than mom and also he doesnt want to show to his mom that he has changed, since he has got married ! Has he got some friend or anyone that he really looks upto and if yes then maybe u can speak to them and they can try explaining him !

Kenny I think U need to communicate with him in a very very nice and polite way - about what role and place do u have in his life ??? Quote examples like the financial one.... Dont mention that u dont like it cos he has joint accounts with his mom, just mention that u want to know why is ur name not added in the a/c or going forward u would like to have an equal share as well cos u r his wife after all .....Dont show him that u care if mom has her name on the account or not, cos that will drive him crazy !

I know u feel lonely after u have a husband cos u cant speak to him about how u feel .....do u guys ever plan ur future ..I mean about kids, getting a bigger place when family grows etc etc.....I also feel that u have to start taking more control by saying no to ur MIL in ur hubbys absence ! Only when u can and will stand up for ur rights , u will be able to convince him !

Another option is that u leave it to time and eventaully he will realise that his mom is no god and he will see things ! It will be a very very slow and painful process and by the time this happens u would have lost prime years of ur life which u should b njoying anyway !

And its very much the same in abroad too kenny....on weeknights u come back home, cook dinner, do the dishes and on the weekends u catch up with all ur pending work - be it household, grocery shopping etc etc....But me and my hubby take some time out for each other ! I know its hard in ur case cos that old fish is hanging around ! If I was in ur situation I would be taking an initiatve of making plans, going out cos that way I will have more control ....

I honestly dont see any logic in talking to ur mil about it cos she will just use this opportunity to exploit u all the more and anyway u got married to the boy and not the mother ! Tell him very lovingly that u thought that u are his best friend but not knowing about finances and asking to carry ur wallet make u think that he doesnt trust u ! Tell him nicely would he not treat or buy his best friend a gift or will he ask them to use their money for it !

U will have to fight fr ur rights here, make a point for urself and not fight to take away frights that he has given ti him mother...fightining fr ur rights indirectly mean that u are eventually taking rights off her that she should have not had anyway !

2.5 years seems like a long time, but ur hubby has believed in things, ideologies for years it will not go away in 2.5 years...it will take a very long time ! That is what my marriage counsellor told me !

I will tell u something and maybe this will help - This marriage counsellor I was seeing she was greek . Greek, italian,hungarian,lebanese,indians - all these culture treat women like **** and the same mil-dil sagga goes on ! People from these culture are exactly the same as we indians, its just this they talk a diff language and have fairer skin ! She told me that I should be a turned leaf infront of my hubby and sort my equation with my inlaws behind his back ! She told me that there is nothing wrong in being manuiplative cos these cultures dont allow women to speak their mind ! She was a very old lady and had been in this profession for more than 30 years .I gave her a very vey puzzled look and she said that not everything is black and white in this world....there is a lot of grey area and it takes ages to control a man!

Can u chnage ur job and move to another city with ur hubby ......Maybe thats an option ..

Has ur hubby not got any siblings ???? Kenny u have to keep reminding ur hubby that u are around, u need to be looked after, u are in his life, u r is wife, u love him mom, dont complain about his mom etc etc....U have to love him more than his mom for him to be inclined towards you !

If he doesnt want to see a marriage counsellor , thats okay - maybe u can see one and find out what u can do differently ! I am sure u will get some very good tips and suggestions !

U should only give up once u have tried all avenues and options, until then keep trying - that's all we can do !

Its nearly 11.40pm here...gotta sleep now ! Take care girl !
Nighty night

 

How can anyone in their right mind sleep in somebody else's bed room, even if they are parents? One or two days of adjustment, or if you have to take care of someone in case of terrible illness it's understandable. But this is just a lame excuse... AC does not work. What if the AC in the entire house is down? Just unfix a fuse to bring the electricity down.
Just can't believe why one earth some older people who are supposed to be very experienced in life behave so nastily.
Too bad that your husband seems to enjoy his mom's presence in your room...

 

Oh My LORD !!!! Your MIL is just impossible !!! Being polite and giving suttle hints won't work .........Kenny tell me something - what is that u have control on ??? What is the thing that u have ur say in and ur judgement counts ????

Plan a vacation for her to her daughters house .....book the tickets and tell her it was a surprise for her !!!!!

With the air con - If I was u, know what I would do ????

I would cut the wire to my air con as well....... cos this way this mil wont b in my room .....cos if the air con is working its not helping the cause and when the electrician will come he will fix the air con for the entire house .....I know this is mean ...but I dont see any other way !

U can ask ur hubby in a casual way - if he's got a decent head on 2 shoulders then he wont get angry...and if he does get angry...let him be cos how much can u think about him and his mom....but this way u have told him that u dont like it !

Kenny I gave u so many options and tricks of getting rid of ur mil for short period of time - like few hours- why cant u use any one of them...I am not trying to have a go at you but I am just trying to find out what is stoping you from picking up one or the other reason....

Put ur mil to some work - so that by the time its evening and the son comes home she is so tired that she doesnt want to do anything and only sleep.......U mentioned that u have just opened ur business......make her do some work in there - not that u let her control..but just enough to make her tired

Has she got any relatives that she likes to see or visit ????

Clearly If ur hubby is not saying anything to mom when she sleeps in the room......he doesnt mind it......

And let me tell u most of the men dont see the damage their mom or family does....so ur hubby is no exception !

One of my colleagues in the office was mentioning today that her daughter has got back with her BF and he has started accepting publically that she is the GF...and the guys family is also accepting her and the guy is LOT MORE HAPPIER COS THE GUY'S SISTER HAS APPROVED OF THE GIRL FRIEND ! MIND U I AM TALKING ABOUT AN AUSSIE FAMILY HERE...UR HUBBY IS NO EXCEPTION....

Few whips and little bit of tamming will do the trick :thumbsup

Tc girl