what to do with -a momma's boy hubby n an insecure over possessive m.i.l

Kenny,

I may not add much value from other ILites advises.But see is this makes any sense to you.

My MIL had 3 DIL.She doesn't like 2 DIL and she extremely loves one DIL.
2 DIL's,we are just any typical women who wanted to take care of our house like cooking everything ourself.Other DIL,I am not sure why she is like that though but she never even show interest to cook for her husband also.Everything done by my MIL like in her own house.Cooking,keeping food for her son in that plate,in one word she runs the DIL house.Dil is like a helper to her.Beacause of that she has too much affection on her and she never utter any word on her unlike 2 DIL's.

So see that kind of thing helps in your home though.Because you have no choice other than winning her.Once you become close to her then she may not looking to see spend time with her son and also your husband may develop good impression on you.So don't look whatever your MIL doing with negative energy.Think like your mother and take everything positive with whatever she does.The only way you can establish good communication in your house by winning your MIL.

 

Hi,
I can relate to your story.. It is not too late..u need to understand ur MILs psychology.. If she doesn't talk to u when u are together, then u initiate the talk..Build freindship with her though it is difficult.. She has to feel good with u only then will her son start to feel good with u..I know this is irrational but life is many times unfair. U need to be more patient with her..U have to make ur MIL ur friend only then can her son like u. Coz the bond between ur MIL and DH is stronger than between u and ur hubby.. Moving out will only make ur hubby dislike u.. Things might improve when u start praising ur MIL, i know u might not feel like praising her but praising her will work and can improve ur relationship with her..

 

Hi Kenny,

The situation u r in is SAD and not uncommon. I dont blame u for it cos there are a lot of things u find about a family and hubby once u start living with them. To start off with I dont think that ur hubby will move out at this stage cos ur FIL is dead. Cos of that ur MIL will always try to control her son cos she is insecure. But u have to also make ur point and stand that u r his wife. Reading from ur previous posts I gather that she tends to stay at home more than she wants to go out and going out is as per her convenience.

In that instance u can initiate and plan outings.U have ur own consultancy - Sneak out for lunch to ur hubby's work and give him a surprise.Spend some time with him. Make plans with friends on friday evening - go to ur hubby workplace, pick him up from there , go out with ur friends and come home late at hnight. Coming home late at night will mean getting up late next day, which means he spending less time with his mom. He wont b spending time with u either, but atleast he is not being influenced by him mom with the negative things she says about u and ur family.

ITS BETTER TO BE ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY.

When u go out , tell him that u feel like cooking something special for him and wat will he like to eat. Cook that for him on the weekend and dont mention that to ur MIL. Let her cook her KUDA and u just serve ur food to ur huby saying that here is the special dish he wanted her to cook for him.

According to me talking to SIL or anyone from his family wont help cos they are from the same family at the end of the day. That will never change but they will b able to control and manuiplate u if they know what bothers u.

Try giving him surprises by doing things that he loves to do.

Have you got a TV in ur bedroom - if not then see if you can get it.This way u both can watch some nice movie/comedy show together and have ur time.

Always remember GHEE KABHI SEEDHI UNGLI SE NAHIN NIKALTA.

U have to be more controling bt dont metion that too ur hubby. Just do it.

If ur MIL is trying to keep him busy with some or the other work and is taking away UR time, you do the same. Ask him to help u in ur office work, some task at home when he is due to spend time with him mum.

He sees his mum as vunerable and weak that is why he has all the sympathy for her and sees u as strong and someone who can do thinsg on her own. Try to change that perception. Keep REMINDING him that u need support as well..

Hope this helps and I know this sounds nasty and mean but that is the only way to get rid of a MIL who is a PILE ON.

U have to make ur hubby dependant on u, but at this stage u have given him too much of freedom and liberty.

All the best hun !

 

Hi Kenny,
I think you have to first build up your relationship with your MIL and then her son will soon follow...My DH was the same.He loves his mom like crazy and I used to be wrong for him all the time. No honeymoon, no privacy or anything in my marriage.When I started staying with my DH in different city my in-laws joined us and stayed with us for 7 months.I tried to convince my Dh over many things it didnt work out so I turned to my MIL.
While cooking I used to ask her how to cook ,what ingredients you put, etc etc..A little buttering I guess..The when I felt things were little OK I opened up my self a bit with her..I told her thing like I want to go somewhere but your son is not interested.I love doing this and that, your son does not want it.I want to watch some movies with my DH but he seems disinterested.She really understood well..Then I told my DH lets go somehwhere and it worked..Till today I just have to tell him once that I want to go somewhere or spend some quality time with him...
You have to first open up to your MIL.Gain her confidence.When mother and son are talking you also join them..I used to do that.When my MIL used to feed my DH with her own hands I used to ask her to feed me also.She laughed and obliged..
This was the way I tried..Maybe it can work for you also...

 

Kenny, it may be a bit hard for ppl to understand ur pain unless they've gone thru this setup.. how any why we land into is not totally clear prior to marriage. ILs who may pose liberal prior to marriage may change colours thereafter.

Even in my marriage I felt that my need in this family was just to reproduce & remaining time nd fun DH was programmed to spend with his fly members.. cant blame them too cos they'd been living like this thruout the life & esp ppl who never lived outside their house (hostel/ job etc) .. never know how to gel with new ppl outside old relatives.

They need to be explicitly told & few things such guys pick up & it takes really long. After 1st yr of my missed expectations of married life I spoke to my husband that he'll have to fulfill a few requirements of taking me to shopping/ movies / vacation / gift on special occasion etc etc .. for which he told me.. I am not used to it & I dont know how to do it..
However during my interactions with MIL & SIL he wud do these things on a regular basis with them... eg shopping/ eating out / movies etc.
So I told him you need to pick up few things if you dont know abu them cos for my basic/ luxury needs I need to depend on my husband & I cant go our of the house seeking company of other guys to fulfill those.

Finally he said.. u can take lead... and then I did.

 

Kenny,

Have you tried reverse phycology, take only your MIL out on Saturday from Morning to night doing all the things you and she like, say shopping, eating out and tire out completely.

Next day hopefully she will be sooooo tired and you and hubby can go out. when you are out treat him like King and finish of with a nice dessert.

Slowly he will see that treating you well earn him rewards as well. Men always think below the belt so we as women need to think below the belt as well to try and win them over.
Never try to seperate MIL & Hubby bad idea.

 

Hi Kenny,

Its very common for your MIL to be over-possessive about her son. Any woman in her situation would be like this only. So, please do not try to interfere in their relationship. I completely agree with you that you having married for very short time will be really longing for lots of privacy. But in a situation like yours where MIL has no one else to accompany her, the best privacy you can get is only in your room probably. You will surely get this and even more but then you have to do a little bit of work for this. Instead of trying to tell anything against your MIL to your hubby or trying to compete with your MIL for anything at all, I feel you should flow with her... What I actually mean is, get yourself involved completely into their late night talks instead of trying to be alone and left out. First you should try your best to mingle with them instead of being a stranger. Imagine, if place of your MIL, if it were your parents, you would definitely have got involved in their talks. This is because you have been brought up by them for years. The same is the case with your husband. During the weekends too, you help her in the cooking instead of thinking that she is trying to impress your husband by cooking his favs. And when something she has cooked is worth appreciating, be the first to appreciate even before your husband does. This should not really be for show off in front of him, but should genuinely come out from yourself. You can start off kind of buttering initially but believe me, once you start seeing the change in both of them you will change genuinely for them. Don't even try to do any kind of bossing over or taking over, instead try to be a lil girl and ask for MIL's suggestions for things, like cooking, buying some house hold items, or going out to eat outs... etc... you can have a huge list. But be wise enough to keep a few decisions to yourself too without really making them explicit but still you have your way... When you want to strengthen a relationship, find out who and what the person likes the most. And you too try liking them from your heart. I know, this is not easy, but try... incase your MIL tries to avoid or hurt you, keep trying for many times... and definitely your hubby will slowly start getting closer to you.

There are many In Laws who are really cruel... but as I understand, your MIL is being over possessive about her son and this alone is causing problems in your life... If this is the only problem, in one sentence, "try winning your husband through your MIL".

My hubby also was mamma's boy and even now, after more than 8 years of married life, he is so much attached to his mother. Simple things like the methodology to be followed for any festival or pooja, cooking was very different in my parents home and my in laws home. I too started fighting with my hubby for many such things... Nothing worked and finally I was the one who was suffering. Then I started asking myself, how would it matter what the methodology is.. finally the end purpose is the same. I tried doing things their way and now, both my hubby and my MIL like me so much; same is the case with me. They consider me as one of their family members in any kind of decisions. My MIL prepares sabjis of two kinds now. One prep which my hubby has been used to and one for me, the way it is prepared at my parents home. This is just an example. To get things done, sometimes my MIL routes it through me to my hubby and sometimes I route it through her to my hubby. And, I am really happy about this.

My suggestions are not meant to offend any other female here. I know girls who really struggle through out and feel sorry for them. But in few cases, adjustments from ppl on both sides will lead to happiness finally. The only requirement here is don't wait for the other person to start first. You be the first one to start by putting off all your ego into a shell. And, don't give up till you can succeed... It is very easy for us to change than try and wait for others to change....

-krk.

 

Hi Kenny,

Its you who has to decide what you want to pick up from the suggestions and leave the rest. But from my own experience I can tell talking the same language as ur MIL and trying to be a Yes women, only suffoctaes you. You wont be able to live that life for long, cos that is not you ! And its very easy for people to say, be a part of them - but then when the other person doesn't give u positive vibes - u can't keep trying and trying. U do give up ! You have to make it very clear by ur actions that u are his wife and she's the mother. Both have their own place and u need ur due space. According to me u have to build ur relationship with ur huby and it should be so strong that u both know and understand each other, contrary to u going thru ur MIL for getting a point across ur hubby. Why do u need someone else to convery ur msg to ur hubby ??? Doesnt make sense!!!! You have to take more control and this doesnt mean tht u try to create a rift between mom/son, but all it means is that u put ur MIL back in her spot and that too NICELY !

Take Care...Cheers !!!!

 

Hi Kenny,

Accept that fact that she is ur MIL and not ur mom. She is in constant compettiton with u and if she doesn't talk or make faces - honestly do u care ?? **** her and concentrate on ur relationship with ur huby.

I mentiioned in my last post as well tht u need to take control and not her.
For example - when she tells her son to book movie tickets, u 3 go out and u get no me time. When u already know what movie is out what week, why dont u book the tickets online just for u and ur huby before her mentioning to the son and when she says she wants to go as well tell her that u will check online and keep making excuses that internet is not working, u are with a client - will check in a while, their site is down etc etc....And when u are about to leave home fr the movie 5 min before that tell her that tickets in the same row are not available and u dont want her to sit alone in the hall with someone else ! But U will make sure the next time that u book tickets for her as well.... when the next time comes deal with it accordingly ! U will have to b smart kenny !

U mentioned that u go out with friends but u dont get that " ME" time. When u are done with friends - tell ur hubby tht u feel like going for a long drive, if he says hes tired - say that u will drive and he can sit besides and relax ! Say lets go for an ice cream.

Kenny I can only see u using ur friends to get out of the house without tht pile on MIL and then u and ur hubby going ur way from their to have ur ME time. You will have to play it differently everytime as per the situation.

In one of ur earlier posts u mentioned that ur hubby tells everything to his mom - stop discussing things with him which u dont want his mom to know at alll.. This doesnt mean that u dont tell him anything, but u hvae to first have that understanidng in ur relationship and then share everything with him.

CHeers !