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what to do when husband wants to be a perfect son?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AprilLisa, Feb 26, 2015.

  1. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    what do you do when husband wants to be a perfect son to his parents, and doesn't care about being a perfect husband or perfect father to his wife or to his son?

    My relationship with his parents had never been great. His parents leave not a single occasion, to take him through a guilt trip, and tell him that we did this much for you and we did that much for you and you don't do anything for us, you talk to us like that or your wife doesn't respect us, your wife doesn't respect you, etc. They still treat him like a child. if anything goes wrong tells him, "we told you so", "you didn't listen to us, now what can you do", etc, etc, even for small things. Not that they had a very good relationship before i came into picture. But as they say blood is thicker than water, so now they all have teamed up and whatever happens the blame comes to me. So i have stopped bothering about what they say, and do what i feel is right for me and my son. i feel H is worried sick that he is unable to be a good son to his parents and that is because of me. he wants to be good in their eyes, just like a small child(he is 36 now). always looking for their approval. And as they do not approve of me, he thinks its all because of me, that they are sad and hurt and as a result he is unhappy.

    what do you do in this kind of scenario??
     
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  2. priyanka12345

    priyanka12345 Silver IL'ite

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    I am also travelling in same boat. yet to figure out how we can make husband show their ways of emotional blackmail.However now I have accepted the fact that we cannot change anyone and also cannot make someone else realize unless they really want to. So have given up on that aspect to make husband realize ILs unfair things.
    I am trying to be emotionally independent by not expecting from husband or ILs. With ILs I have achieved that but still trying to do so with husband.
    I talk only necessary things to husband and now husband realizes that I can be independent and not worry about his talks/insults, his attitude towards me when I am not in talking terms with ILs etc.I am being adamant and sticking to what are my views even if he dislikes them. he gives me silent treatment / fights but I am really standing firm.I have voiced my opinion about ILs openly to them and husband and have left it there.

    I lead my life in terms of job, cooking, and taking care of son. For now this is my life until husband realizes himself. I started developing the habit to read books by joining library . he now understands I dont depend on him for any trips/weekend activities. on weekends I take my son and go to playground if there is nothing to do.

    I believe we should stand up for ourselves without taking any crap from ILs . we deserve respect and husband should be able to see that.
    Not sure if husband will anytime change so change yourself to be happy within your life which you can control.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2015
    drdiva, cheenu123, Weasly and 11 others like this.
  3. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Let him strive for that. But you don't try to get perfect DIL tag that's humanly impossible. I know it's tough to implement with a wanting to please husband, but concentrate on you, your husband and son.
     
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  4. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks BB84 for your reply......actually i don't try to be the perfect DIL or try to please H, i have stopped that long long time back, now i have accepted that i am a bad, disrespectful DIL(but for me respect needs to be earned) so i really don't mind. now i concentrate on myself and my son, and we try to be happy with ourselves. which is not going down well with them, it seems they are no happy and it can't continue like that. i don't know what is going on inside their brains.
     
  5. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    how do you guys handle this kind of husband??
     
  6. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    you cannot "handle" him, you will have to concentrate on yourself and son.
     
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Push him to be a better son more and more until he snaps and starts living his own life...
     
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  8. DreamWorld

    DreamWorld Silver IL'ite

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    @OP, Seems like a change in your husband will take some time, if he was to change he would have done that long back as he is already 36. Now, he is used to getting inputs from your IL's or seeking their approvals/inputs rather than yours.

    So keep your expectations very less on this perfect son (your husband) for a while until he realizes the space which is left by you and try to maintain your strength, build up yourself to be independent, and contine being a perfect wife/perfect mother to your son (I believe you already are:thumbsup).
     
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  9. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    Guess, will it ever end? shakehead.
     
  10. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    I think I ran out of ideas.. I second Guess who.. risky but valid.
     
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