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What To Do When H Puts You Down In Front Of Kids?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Sep 27, 2021.

  1. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    I asked my H if he could help DD with her homework. H agreed and was helping her. H has anger issues. After, a while I heard H screaming and loudly yelling at DD and ridiculing the little girl saying "you can't even do 1 simple thing. It is ridiculous. What is this, it is so simple." I went to see what is going on - DD was crying. I checked what was the cause. H gave her his own questions which were few grades above her grade level and he wanted to check where she stands. She still answered 85% right and rest wrong. Instead of appreciating what she did, he was screaming, ridiculing her and making her cry for the wrong answers. I couldn't resist and told him (all happened in front of DD) that he should first stop screaming, she is doing great, let's first appreciate that. He got furious and pointed his finger screamed at me and said "STAY OUT OF THIS and GET OUT... OUT".
    I felt insulted and asked him in high pitched loud voice "I THINK YOU SHOULD GET OUT, I MADE A MISTAKE OF ASKING YOU TO HELP HER. I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. YOU GO OUT." He left , said "I WILL SHOW YOU" and since then he has been giving a silent treatment to DD. She is a very little girl. She cried (I know this should have never happened in front of her). She went to my H multiple times trying to make small talks but he gave her a silent treatment. So later, when she was busy with something else, I walked to him and said "you can give me silent treatments all you want but doing the same for DD for no fault of hers, fighting with me in front of her, ridiculing her, this will scar her for rest of her life. May be you were treated like this when you were young and may be you think this is normal, but it is not. I don't want her to be like you." He didn't even stay there to listen to all this, but just walked away.
    At night DD expressed how sad she feels that her father is not talking to her.

    My question is :
    • How to handle such situations as a mother?
     
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  2. jyothishri

    jyothishri Silver IL'ite

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    I feel most men don't have patience to teach children. In my case as my husband had interest in cooking I took his help there and never let him teach children.
     
  3. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Silent treatment is a passive aggressive behavior to control and enforce his authority. Its a cruel and abusive behavior.

    What he expect you to do is to go after him, pleade and boost his ego. A normal adult should communicate his thoughts instead of treating kids this way. What you have to do is not give the reaction he is looking for. Your dd too.

    Tell DD that its not about her. No need to worry about it. Her dad has anger issue, so may take time to cool down. You can be honest with DD, its a childish behavior and not acceptable.

    You may spend more time with her, help her with studies and cheer her up. If your husband is ok now, ask her behave as normal as if nothing happened even if your dh dont respond to her. Live as usual. Be happy and busy. Take your kids out and enjoy. Let him sit there and sulk.

    Never ask her to go after him and plead. His anger is towards you.Tell her he may take sometime to cool down, so she should focus on her studies and be happy as usual. If your dd has any routine thing like giving hug, saying good night etc...ask her to continue it as usual. She has to show his tantrumns dont go inside her.

    How long its going on?
    You also did a mistake. You reacted to your dh in front of DD, that was not a good idea. Avoid conflicts in front of kids. He might have felt insulted. I am not supporting his screaming or yelling. You could have handled it in a peaceful way or conveyed it later. I also, dont like my spouse to interface between me and kids. But if there is abuse, no other way.

    May be you can convey the same to him and appolagize for interfering, especially in front DD. But never say he can give silent treatment to you or anyone. You can say, your intention was to help DD, and you didn't expect this outburst. If he want he can or be silent as long as he want, when he is ready he can talk normal. But you consider this treatment to DD as unacceptable and its abuse. You also have to acknowledge to him your mistske of insulting him infront of DD. But if he still continue his silence, you cant do anything other than moving on as unsual.

    If your husband has anger issues he should go for anger management treatment. Its not a good idea to ask him to teach your DD, if he is not ready to do it a proper way. I understand that your intentions were good and you need help from him with kids. But as you know his behavior, avoid conflicts. Dont fight infront of kids. Walk away if you are angry. Give time for him and you to cool down.

    What you have to do is allow him to sulk as long as he wants. Dont even acknowledge that he is there sulking. Enjoy with kids and be happy. Just treat him like a kid with problems. Even after conveying your thoughts, if he continue the same, ignore it, treat him as usual and behave as if nothing happened or exist. Your problem is not with him, but his behavior.

    As you are facing the same issue for a long time, this old post may be useful.
    Ego, Temper and Moodiness - Fatal Combination
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2021
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This is true for women in any marriage:
    • After assigning a task to your husband, don't micromanage or supervise.
    • Never criticize your husband's parenting in front of your child.
    • Recognize the phenomenon of "maternal gatekeeping," in which some moms plan how and how much the father should interact with the child. Make an effort to detect and reduce this in yourself.
    • Don't bring up the husband's childhood or his family's flaws in fights that aren't about his family.
    • Allow children and father to work out their differences. Don't take on the role of conduit or manager.
    And it is especially important in marriages where the woman only stays because of the kids or because he is a decent provider.

    OP, in this homework help incident, you criticized his parenting in front of the child, you instructed him about his parenting, and then you gave the useless statement "I made a mistake of asking you to help." Later, not in a heated moment, you gave him this: " May be you were treated like this when you were young and may be you think this is normal, but it is not. I don't want her to be like you."

    IMO, you owe him two apologies. One for putting him down in front of the child. And second, for " ... I don't want her to be like you."

    His silent treatment towards your daughter pales in significance to all else that took place in this episode. That is a fault in his parenting that will not scar her for life. If you leave them alone, they will sort it out, learn from the incident, adapt, and go on.

    I have read your earlier threads regarding how your husband treats you in public and at home. But nothing justifies your choices in this homework incident.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2021
  5. snehalJoshi

    snehalJoshi Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks all ILs for responding.
    I agree with you @Rihana. The best way is to let H and DD sort things out by themselves and I should try to stay out of it. I have a fear especially because of the angriest face that he makes, his tone and how loudly he speaks, these things will scar DD if I let this continue. I feel like a need to act like a shield and protect her from his anger. I will try to stay out. Lesson learned. Thanks.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    You can start teaching your DD some tools to cope with these verbal assaults. Don’t put your DH down to her but try to equip her independently. Kids are smart. She will figure him out.
     
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  7. Amica

    Amica IL Hall of Fame

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    These rules should be a sticky.

    @Rihana has said it perfectly. Normally, I would suggest apologizing for your behavior, but it will only encourage his sulking. You don't want to establish that silent treatment is a good way to get you to introspect. So ride this storm out and follow RihJi's pointers in the future.

    His silent treatment of your DD is emotional abuse. Don't let it hang like a cloud over your household. Act normal with your child. Ignore his sulking. Let him sort out his relationship with his daughter.
    .
     
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  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @snehalJoshi Your daughter was crying hysterically and your husband had lost his sense of perspective and yelling at her. In such situation how could you not intervene? You needed to break up the scene because it sounds like your husband was out of control and wasn’t going to stop on his own any time soon. Especially if he has an anger problem and goes out of control, you have to intervene on your daughter’s behalf and it is a good thing you did.
    In my opinion you did the right thing in going in, asking him to stop and asking him to leave. Especially since your daughter was clearly in distress this was the right thing to do. I really don’t think this was a situation where your daughter and spouse could have worked it out between them because he was clearly being unreasonable and had no understanding of her grade level.
    The rest of what was said was subjective. You did right by explaining that we should appreciate what she did get right but even then he wasn’t ready to listen or agree with you. No matter how diplomatic one is in asking an angry spouse to stop and leave the room it inevitably gets into arguments and them angrily demanding to know why and refusing to move unless you reply so I really don’t see how you in that situation could have avoided answering him as you did. I wouldn’t beat myself up too much about what you said to him.

    In future, if you get into such situations, instead of replying him, turn your attention to your daughter and focus on calming her down, pick her up and take her physically out of the room. Just ignore his angry questions if he becomes too angry explain again about her grade level and how he is expecting too much from her. Or just say ‘yeah it was a mistake asking you to teach her, I didn’t realize you will take this route.’ And leave it at that.
     
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  9. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    @snehalJoshi
    The reason I am urging you to continue to intervene is because a lot of Indian parents have some kind of complex about the level of math taught in our schools. A lot of Indian dads especially feel somehow (and wrongly) as if they were extremely good at Math or that they studied some very high level of Math in their Indian schools and look down on the Math taught here. (I can tell you lots of stories re this) Problem is when as adults we look back we mostly remember the last 2-3 years of high school where yeah you studied trig and calculus etc etc but at elementary level that was not the case!! But they can’t be bothered to remember that!
    What your H was doing by making up his own questions to quiz your daughter is indicative of this same trend. That’s why I feel you did absolutely right in discouraging him though maybe word usage was not ideal. Please continue to discourage him in future also. This tendency to prematurely test kids on higher concepts and judge them, maybe even teaching them a different way to solve etc ends up confusing the kids a lot! And actually even the way we were taught to solve some concepts 20-30 years back is now taught differently! But many parents don’t realize that. And the kids get confused on how to answer in the tests and the teachers won’t give credit for a question solved in a different way sometimes because they want the child to learn the method the class was taught because it builds on some other higher concepts they will teach later.
    Edit: yeah I said dads and stand by it - run into lots of former engg student now dads who think no end of their math capabilities!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2021
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    A DH was confining his parents to a corner in his spacious home. While his spouse was full of compassion, DH was insisting that his aged parents to be fed in those metal plates dedicated for them.

    His son of six years was wondering why his dad not allowing grand parents to dinning table to have their food. He felt this was ill treatment but he couldn’t help.

    One fine morning, these two old parents expired. After their expiry, DH Was trying to dispose of articles used by his parents.

    As DH was watching, The boy too saw a buyer weighing the metal food - plates used by his grand parents. He grabbed those plates and said he wanted it. DH asked him “ what for”.

    To DH & his mom’s astonishment, the boy responded, “ I need these plates to serve food to you & mom when you both turn old” .
     
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