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What To Do Please Help!!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by saibulbul, Sep 30, 2019.

  1. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: The road is in the front and OP ought to drive focused on the front road. Ruminating past events and rekindling those moments will only sharpen the differences.
    You had tendered OP the most practical advice thanks to your wisdom and psychological approach to OP’s perceived problems now.
    Regards.
    God bless.
     
    saibulbul and DDream like this.
  2. PurpleRoses

    PurpleRoses Silver IL'ite

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    Hi dear. I can understand from what you have said and also what you haven't said.

    What your co-sis and MIL did to you is worse than physical abuse. Yes, that's right. They have emotionally abused you to such an extent that no number of years can lessen the pain in your heart and the scars on your soul.

    Your husband needs to be a man. If he wanted a child as bad as his mommy, he should also know that you and his child are his primary family.

    In a joint setup, it's not possible to ignore toxic inlaws behaviour on day to day basis.

    It's like sitting next to snake and ignoring it in "blind faith" that if you ignore that it is poisonous, it wont bite you.


    Anyhoo, past is past. Agreed. Now there are some major issues that you need to think and make changes accordingly.

    And no, your husband leaving you is not the major problem here.

    1. Why are you staying separately with new born baby while your husband stays in different place?
    1st and major issue is this. Is he staying with his parents and only you shifted out?

    Or he stays alone in a different place (workplace) ?

    2. Don't involve your parents even if he is immature n tells everything to his mommy bear.


    3. He will definitely come back to you when he is calm. Don't keep calling or fall on his feet to take you back or to come home. Stay strong.

    4. You take this time-out phase to concentrate on your mental peace, to let go of bitterness caused by the toxic inhuman inlaws and concentrate on your baby.

    5. If at all he calls or comes back, don't be angry. Dont react. Dont blame. Dont point fingers. Dont explain your feelings.

    Cuz if he had cared about you, your feelings, he wouldnt have been a moron (sorry for using this term).
    Even if he comes back, be normal. Don't discuss the topic that caused the issues.

    1st try to discuss with him about you both living together in one house.

    Staying away wont help in bonding with neither you nor your baby.


    Forgive your inlaws for your own mental peace but dont talk to them don't care for them and don't visit them. Not even hi or bye.
    Whether she is sick or not, just at the most make a call and formally enquire her health. That's more than enough.
     
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  3. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    Deleted
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2019
  4. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    I am statying separately because of my job. I had a chance to transfer my job to his workplace but DH pressurized me to transfer job where my inlaws stay. After a lot of quarrels, I finally lost and had to come here. I do call them every day. After shifting , DH on holidays live in my place but visit inlaws most of the time. MIL wants DH to stay at their house only (DH not me). She doesn't care where ever I stay. She intentionally creates fight. Now her motive is fulfilled so she may be at peace finally. MIL wants DH under her control. Even during pregnancy she commented on me taking medicines as I was having complications. Anyways right now, I am just trying to calm down and focus on kid and job. I have left all hopes and left everything on god. And yes the abuse they have done is worse than physical abuse which has left a lifelong scar. Still I never tried to separate DH from inlaws since they are his family. May be I am in fault somewhere but I am unable to forgive them.
     
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  5. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    This is the problem here that I dont want to go to that house. Regarding sickness, I call them daily and enquire about their health. After living separately also I never bring up their topic with DH. I also dont urge DH to cut ties with them, I just want DH to not pressurize me to go to that house only because of co-sis. I have never ever disrespected inlaws. Also regarding visiting them, DH never supports for outside house works. I have to manage house kid office and groceries, kids needs all. It is becoming difficult to manage time. Inlaws never ever enquire about the situation I am in where as I how much busy may be call my inlaws daily only with the fear of DH else MIL will complaint DH which will create unnecessary fight. In case of emergency, I have no problem in visiting them but why I will visit them unnecessarily when all are fine there. Seriously I dont want to see co-sis face.
     
  6. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    After a long discussion with my DH , I have learnt the following:
    1) I can never be important for him neither my child. Everything in his life starts with his mother and ends there too.
    2) He can never care for my child though he cares for his brother's child a lot. If anything happens to me he will not back from putting my child in orphanage.
    3) Whatever I do for him and his family, it will go unnoticed and I will be at fault always.
    I have decided to do the following:
    1) I will never keep any expectations from DH.
    2) I will always remain silent and never will tell anything about inlaws to DH even if how much bad they treat me. I will bear everything like a stone.
    Anymore suggestions will be helpful..
     
  7. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    All these adjustments will only be for my child's future. I don't want her to suffer because of fights nor I want her to get negative thoughts about any family member.
     
  8. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello dear,
    This is a very complicated situation, and lot of water has flown under the bridge. You really need to put all thoughts of MIL and co-sis behaviour out of your mind and focus on healing yourself. And taking care of your child. Forget them, forget their abuses and their pettiness. And I mean put it out of your mind. Have you heard of the saying 'success is the best revenge'? Well in your case, your being happy and untroubled and at peace and enjoying with your daughter is the best way to get back at all these people. They just wont be able to take it. So work on that. That should be first priority.

    Looks like matters have progressed to the point where you are being blamed even for your bitter words. You need to understand a key point. In above quote, when your husband asked you this question, it was not a real question where he didn't know answer. Even before he asked you he already knew your answer. Do you get my point? He already has worst opinion of you. Whatever you said when you replied confirmed it. But somehow by confirming it, you gave him fresh cause, license, permission to be even more mean to you. It sounds weird but this is true. You seem to be trapped in a vicious cycle. Basically they are going to do what they are going to do anyway. But they are using your words, your reactions as justification, as if you made them do it. So refuse to indulge this nonsense.

    Dont reply to such baiting type of questions, or any kind of questions. Just be silent. Refuse to be drawn into an argument. If he asks 'did you call my mother?' look mildly curious and ask 'why what happened?' if he replies, say oh ah, while you continue whatever you were doing. if no reply, continue your work. Show you are least bothered.When you say 'now I have become a stone', be like that when it comes to him or his family. Dont take any interest in him when he does come home. Just be doing your work and child's work as if he isn't there. And you do not give fresh fodder by venting. if he starts blaming you, dont react, just walk away. Remain cool and calm. And dont call her if you are so busy. And certainly not out of fear of him. All these days you did, did it change anything? No right? What's the use of that except another way to start a fight between you and him? If he asks about it, just answer single word No. Dont feel guilty and justify, dont give reasons, dont launch into long self-justifying explanation digging the past. Just No. You dont owe him or her anything. No need for you to continue doing anything for his family either. Stop bothering. If he asks say 'whats the use? I did all these days, did it help?' And tell him clearly 'you told me I should have no expectations of you, better you and your mother also leave expectations of me.' If he leaves in anger like this, let him. Dont call him. Dont have your mother call him. It is sending wrong message, that you are scared because you know you did wrong. It is increasing their feeling of self righteousness.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019
    Amica, Laks09 and Rihana like this.
  9. saibulbul

    saibulbul Bronze IL'ite

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    @1Sandhya , yes you are right. But what if they are jealous because I am staying happily with my daughter which is the issue here. Their complaint is I am staying separately with my daughter and hence I am happy and they are living their with lot of problems. This jealousy of MIL comes out in form of complaints regarding me in front of DH at which DH gets angry and many times I have not replied back. This time I replied back and the situation turned like this. My DH looks after all their comforts. I never interfere because tgey are his parents and family members. But they cannot tolerate if I and DH spend quality time or go to some outing or if I take my child somewhere. Any ways I will never discuss any of inlwas issues or abuses with DH. I have left everything to god and karma.
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Look here @saibulbul. It’s possible that you were so busy dealing with the situations emotionally you didn’t understand what is really going. Here’s what I understood from your outpourings.

    You are not the problem in this situation. Nor are you the cause. Although every effort is being made to tag you as the problem. Your problem is that you are married to the golden goose of the family. Your in laws feel extremely threatened by you, your kid and your very existence. Especially your MIL feels extremely insecure and threatened by you. Your co-sis can be discounted - she has realized you are the lesser evil and ganged up with MIL against you. Kind of like big boss where you form alliance with the villain so he will spare you. When your husband comes home and yells at you he is blowing off steam. I think she is putting massive pressure on him. Whenever you get emotional and reply back you are playing into her hands. So Try to rise above it. Stay cool.
    Now isn’t that a lovely set of ultimatums? I don’t know the current laws about women’s harassment in India but surely some of these conditions would be covered under harassment? For eg the comment about ‘something happening to you’ would most certainly be interpreted as a death threat and taken very seriously here. I don’t know if it’s normal in India to talk like that. Do you have a strong support from your parental family? If so taking your hubby down to the local cell with their help and giving him a ‘jhalak’, someone explaining what the repercussions of these threats would be in terms of consequences or alimony should you decide to press charges of harassment or abandonment, may not go amiss. It will sober him and this gang right up. You should definitely discuss this set of conditions with your parents and not ignore this. Take their suggestions also.

    I think this set of conditions is your mil living out her pet fantasy- where you and kid just magically go away and golden goose’s earnings go straight to her and her lot. Just like the good old days before you showed up.

    Being nice and patient, waiting around or being emotional isn’t going to work with this lot. They see that as weakness. be calm and take bold steps. Example suggested above. That’s what worked in the past, isn’t it? When you came out of the house? You didn’t explain, just cryptically said husband had no say - that’s a decision you took right? They did nothing in spite of the threats. Hubby stayed with you and all was fine. So why do you worry?

    Forget the daily chik-chik and be strong and calm and when needed take bold action. Watch the daily drama and be amused - it’s got nothing to do with you.

    If your mil is jealous it’s not your problem. Just stay out of it. And be happy. To the extent possible. The calmer you are and the more she rants your h will hopefully realize the difference. If not we’ll worry about it then.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019
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