1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

What To Do? Help Needed!!!please Read

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ssainv, Apr 29, 2016.

  1. ssainv

    ssainv New IL'ite

    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Hai.. i am married 3 years ago and living in US. I did my masters and got job recently in a good company.

    My dad lost all his hard earned money in a business after my marriage got fixed. So he struggled a lot to do my marriage by selling house. I have a elder brother who is studying at that point and no one could help my dad. My inlaws dint understood my parents situation and demanded to do the marriage very grand. I spoke with my hubby and he was not in a situation to explain to their parents as my mil will always say that "she changed you". My hubby cant tolerate these kind of things. So instead of telling his parents not to ask for anything in marriage, he just helped my parents by giving some money as he was working in US and i felt happy atleast he is helping my parents. My dad dint like to take money from him but as no other way he just took after i told him its okay.


    So our marriage happened and everything was good. I came to US and studied and now got settled in job and i am happy with everything now. I started sending money to my parents as just i joined in my job i wanted to give them some money. My hubby dint like this at all. Suddenly he says that "why girl should help her parents.Your brother is here and he is suppose to look after them.Why are u sending money?And your dad wont even return the money." And he also said "Its been 3 years i gave money to your dad at time of marriage. Iam a good guy i dint ask him.But its his responsibility to return son in law or daughters money". I was just shocked to know that my hubby although dint ask my dad for money, he has expectation that the money should be returned. I felt very bad.

    Recently my brother also came to US for studies, he is not earning yet.He is in search of a job now. My dad discussed with me that he needs to pay for gold loan and said he will return my money after my brother starts working. So i thought if i tell my husband that i want to send money, he will just refuse to make me do this. So i secretly sent my dad some money for the loan. I know i should not maintain any secrets with my hubby but i dint have any other way. And never my hubby asked about my money like what are you doing with it ? or he dint even ask to give him. He just said keep it with you. It will be like our savings.

    I am totally in a dilemma if this guy is good or bad?..

    Now my problem is, we are thinking to buy a house and my husband wanted me also to apply for house loan jointly. So we need to send our bank statements and paystubs for pre-approval.
    He today asked for my bank statement. And it contains all transactions i made to my parents. I dont know if he finds this, what to do? How to explain him? Will he understand me? I am just dragging now that i am busy and i will send statement next week. Just postponing everything.

    And now i am pregnant. In my first trimester. Me and hubby both are happy. But if this issue comes i dont know how to deal with it. I am worrying so much in this time and know its not good for baby.

    Please help or any advise is highly appreciated!!.Thanks
     
    Loading...

  2. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    38
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    I guess you need 1 year bank statement. No one will ask entire history. Some period will be there. when did you transfer money to your dad?
     
  3. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    795
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Your H handled the wedding part very gracefully. Kudos to him. His anger on you about sending money to your parents is justified as your dad didnt return the money. Your dad should atleast give the timeline as to when he will repay the money to save his respect..else he should have performed wedding in low budget. He can't have best of both worlds here. The same way, he should also return the money that you gave. Indian society is still living in traditional way.

    Your doubt on your H is totally weird. What made you think that he is bad?

    Since your H has good intentions of buying a house and securing your future, I would say its good to save money for that purpose. Unless, its a dire need to pay gold loan, you shouldn't send money. Let the loan be there until your brother starts earning.
     
    Rihana and waiting4rmlong like this.
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,179
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    I prefer to have openness in couples, in all issues, including money matters.
    I think you should discuss this with your husband.

    Take care.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2016
  5. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,736
    Likes Received:
    3,279
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,

    Having transparency between couples is always good, but it depends on the compatibility & understanding levels of the couple....

    Helping your parents is your responsibility too, it's not only your brother's......I am surprised that your husband is expecting your dad to return the money which he helped during the wedding......that's your husband's wedding too......I agree girls parents generally spend on the wedding, but being an educated & earning well in US, your husband's expectation & stopping you from helping your parents is really not appreciated.

    First check with your husband how many months bank statements he need to apply for loan, then accordingly check your statements, if you find any transfers to your parents, then tell your husband that you just lend the money to your parents and they are going to return that money to you, also tell him that you forgot to share this information with him......

    Does your husband sends money his parents or he takes his parents responsibility? If so, then slowly try to explain him that even you want to help your parents, as they are your parents and they are in need of help.....and they provided you with good education & good life equally with your brother without any bias that you are a girl.....then why should the question comes only son's has to take care of parents, why not daughter's?????

    Where is the question of equality now? Girls also get everything equally with their brothers, infact more than the bothers in the form of dowry & jewellery.......then why shouldn't daughter's take their parents responsibility?
     
    sindmani, Lathasv, NeetaR and 5 others like this.
  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    4,774
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    If your husband wanted your father to repay the wedding money he should have clearly said so. Your poor father is not a mind reader. He probably thought your DH was being generous. And your father was prepared to do a simple wedding due to financial circumstances. It looks like your husband was too scared to go against his parents. He needs to drop this topic. It's high time this concept of the 'girl's' side paying for everything changes anyway. It was your husband's wedding too.
    As for sending money to your parents, don't do it secretly. You have every right to help your parents, just as your husband would help his. You didn't stop being their daughter after marriage. Discuss with your husband a set budget for both sets of parents, then do it.
     
  7. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    665
    Likes Received:
    795
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree to some comments that men and women should be given equal rights. But if OP came to US and studied with husbands money, then OP's dad also should return the money to OP's H.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  8. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    115
    Likes Received:
    167
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Male
    I thing you are misusing the trust of your husband and trying to find fault on him for your's and your father's mistakes. Sending money for maintenance of your parents is different from offering help to pay for your father's gold loan. In the later case your father must return the money, in fact, he should not even take without the knowledge of your husband and without commitment for returning the money, that is the ethical part of it. No mature man will accept money silently like this, sorry to say this.

    The best course of actions is to confess with your husband and ask for his support, there will be a storm initially but your husband seems to be good man and he will settle if you can convince him that you are trustable. I am sure that you will eat his brain out if he did similar thing for his father without your knowledge. So, face it, and settle it straightway, and make the financial transactions clean however close the relationship is.
     
    Rihana likes this.
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,628
    Likes Received:
    22,977
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Op...it was his wedding too.More importantly,it was his father who wanted a grand wedding which he contributed to.He should have refused to marry if he has issues with paying a part of his wedding.

    As for sending money home,your parents raised and educated you like his did.If he thinks he has a duty towards his parents,so do you. There is no need to feel guilty.Explain it to him when he gets the bank statements.

    Tell him his thinking was okay for times when girls didn't earn and did not have a right to inheritance.With right to education and right to inheritance comes the duty towards taking care of parents.
     
    sindmani, whitedaisy, NeetaR and 6 others like this.
  10. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    489
    Likes Received:
    408
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Your husband seems pretty understanding to me. I know it sounds very selfish when he asked about the money he gave, but practically speaking he is a lot more generous than other men. I am sure if you tell him patiently and politely he will understand. Tell him it is a loan and it will be paid back, it won't be kept forever as a loan. You need to be careful in money matters OP, they will create problems even in the most intimate relationships. Please be careful. Would you like it if DH starts giving money to someone else? Think in his shoes. It is okay to give money to parents but you should be honest and transparent about it especially if your spouse is the understanding type.
     
    APS45 and Rihana like this.

Share This Page