What Should I Tell Her?

VanillaSky · Jun 11, 2016

This is about my 26 yr old younger sister. She's working abroad. during college days, she was in a relationship(secretly)which turned sour. Shes a wonderful girl, very bright in academics and friendly demeanor. She wanted to end it when the guy started talking about her to other ppl. But he didn't want to let go. He then started a campaign of shaming her online, writing about what they shared etc..
My sis almost died from heartache due to public shaming, yes she was at fault. But she's scarred .
My parents healed her with silent support although they were broken inside.
She is now rejecting all good marriage proposals, saying later, I am not ready etc
My parents are now senior citizens. They are talking softly to convince her so that she's not hurt again.
Dad.wants me to talk her into agreeing to marry...my parents went through a lot of financial troubles lately, they are just tired. Plus, it is my responsibility too.i want to help her sort her thoughts.

I am not saying we want to wash our hands off by marrying her away. Please advice. How should I tell her to bury that past without making her cry

VanillaSky · Jun 11, 2016

This is not a usual topic .. may be that's why replies haven't started yet.
This happened six years back. I never brought the topic up with her before.

Ladies, does she need counselling ? Is it expensive in USA east coast?

omnam · Jun 11, 2016

Dear OP,

I think you should talk to her. Don't say that you know about it. Just say if she had some past, she should forget and move on. Lets her not have networking in social websites. She can have her new friends.

omnam · Jun 11, 2016

VanillaSky said: ↑

Ladies, does she need counselling ? Is it expensive in USA east coast?
Click to expand...

There are multiple groups of Indian supporting such things. But I suggest to deal at home only. Anyways 26yrs is not big age to worry about her marriage

Rihana · Jun 11, 2016

VanillaSky said: ↑

She is now rejecting all good marriage proposals, saying later, I am not ready etc
My parents are now senior citizens. They are talking softly to convince her so that she's not hurt again.
Dad.wants me to talk her into agreeing to marry...my parents went through a lot of financial troubles lately, they are just tired. Plus, it is my responsibility too.i want to help her sort her thoughts.

I am not saying we want to wash our hands off by marrying her away. Please advice. How should I tell her to bury that past without making her cry
Click to expand...

So sorry to read this. It must be hard on the entire family, most of all on her. Six years is a long time, but when that six years happens is also important. 20-26 is different from say 24-30. Sounds like your sister is taking her time to heal and thankfully so. Her being the younger child, and your parents age, makes it harder to give her the time she needs, perhaps.

You have a few things to deal with - your own sadness at sibling's sad experience, you having to see parents worry about her at this age, dad's gentle pressure or request to you to talk with her and convince her, and then, the foremost - the desire to see your sister happier.

"Dad wants me to talk her into agreeing to marry"
Tell Dad you'll talk with her, and you'll increase frequency of talking with her, and gently have her examine what is holding her back. Tell him that talk that is directly aimed at making her agree to marry will drive her even further from trying to define her feelings and thoughts about marriage. His request is totally understandable, but you can tell him that any pushing into a marriage, could have lasting and irreversible damage, and that this needs to be handled with lots of care.

I don't know how to put this, and maybe you should not tell such a thing to your parents or even her - she may not ever get over the experience completely. The best hope is she will get over it enough to lead a happy and regular life.

Your position is a tough one. The western idea of let a person be until they are themselves ready for marriage does not apply easily to Indian families.

All you can do is lend an ear to your parents, and talk a lot and frequently with your sister, but always letting her have control of the discussion's intensity.

JGVR · Jun 11, 2016

Invite her to your place for a vacation,spend some time with her and then open the marriage topic.Only if she opens up regarding her reservations on marriage,you will be able to help her.

VanillaSky · Jun 11, 2016

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses omnam, Rihanna,jgvr. I will definitely talk to her often from now on. She calls parents everyday.

Shes abroad, I'm in India with two kids. My husband (I never discussed this issue with him,as he shares with his family members. He knows anyway, it was all over orkut. I have received indirect taunts from in-laws regarding this, they were questioning my character!)visited her recently on business trip. My parents are planning to go and stay a month with her.. but they are not sure how to open this topic with her. My parents are professors and they always treated us like adults, never scolded etc.. and they spent all their leisure with us. Our grandparents also stayed with us. Can't say she didn't get their attention. She was at home when this episode happened . Dont know what got into her. It all started with a cell phone..dad had a hunch she was hiding something but she was so absorbed that she didn't care and continued to hide this.
Dad also told her if you like someone and want to marry that person we will not say no.
She realized he was a sick chap and initiated breakup.
After the fallout, she broke down and felt she has cheated their trust. That person blackmailed her till she finished college, we used to wait for her to come home, see if she's alright.

Yes Rihana, she may never totally forget what happened.

If produced before law,cyber cell, the guy would have got rigorous punishment .he produced false messenger conversation s, created fake IDs and what not. We couldn't do it for honour's sake.
I am also a little afraid that the guy may try to mess her life again.
She has done a mistake . According to what you ladies said, it is she who has to forgive herself.

Rihana · Jun 12, 2016

VS, you are sharing more specifics than necessary to get inputs?

KashmirFlower · Jun 12, 2016

Ur sis loved a guy and break up he started spoiling her reputation online. Nothing is ur sister fault, I feel she should get counseling to over come this, she can't spoil her life thinking about what already happened.

If ur sis knows that u know all this, then u should advice her

1. Delete all existing social accounts , block or change existing emails and change phone number .if u r not going through cyber crime route
2 . Ur dad or some body should really meet and threaten guy to stop else will be informed to police, if he still doesn't stop implement the involving police
3 take outside help like police counsellors etc too come over this

Rihana · Jun 12, 2016

KashmirFlower said: ↑

2 . Ur dad or some body should really meet and threaten guy to stop else will be informed to police, if he still doesn't stop implement the involving police
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6 years... not much point in rekindling the issue.