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What should i do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Kokila05, Apr 30, 2010.

  1. Kokila05

    Kokila05 New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,suggest me whether i'm going in a wrong path or not?
    two weeks before my mom and sisters went to antive, my father had surgery on two eyes so i stayed with my father for 2 weeks.In that 2 weeks my husband just came for 1 day and stayed with me.I'm going to office so i wake up at 6 and start preparing lunch and breaskfast as i have to leave by 9. Me and dad finish up the dinner by 9 and sleep by 9:30.So it was very easy for me to get up early in the morning.
    After two weeks i came to in-laws house.Here we finish our dinner only by 11,afteer that we have to wash the vessels and clean so it will take around 11:30 to got to my bed room.After that we sleep aound 12 or1 only.
    Because of this most of the time i cannot wake up ealry in the morning.
    During my ealry days of my marriage i got up early cause i would think that my in-laws will scold me.But now it's been around 1.2 years.So i'm not much scared about my in-lwas.So if i feel ttired i would sleep and wake up by 7 AM.But on that my hubby strated to shout at me saying that my mom is working alone why cant u go and helo in preparing lunch and break fast.
    When u were in ur mom place how did u wake up by 6, now why cant u do that.He is asking whether i'm doing it wantedly.After taht i statred explaining him that there i sleep at 9:30 so wake up ealry,here we are sleeping by 12 or 1 so i'm not able to wake up and that to if i wake up ealry i go to office and sleep:-(.Sine he was scolding me saying this issue i strated to cry a lo.After that also he did not console me.and was shouting more only.becuase of this i did not take lunch and left.next day my father-in-law called to my mom and started complainig me and was saying som blah blah:rant.I came from office next day i had fight with my husband a lot and crying crying crying for whole night.Next day also my husband started shouting for sleeping and for not helping his mother.SO i took all my clothes and went o my moms place.But my husbnad called my mom and said that she left the house without informimg any body so if my parents ask what wil i say,so ask ur daughter to come back orelse this will lead to a big probelm.SO my mom called me and asked me to go home.So adviced me a lot.So went to in-laws home.Next day also i did not take lunch beacuse everytime we get fight becaise of food only so i thought not to take lunch hereafter.But my husband again started shouting me for not taking lunch,so i told him that i'm goign to die today .he got angry and he also told me the same and left the house.Again he came and was standing in our room.I got ready for my office and letf the home angrly.He came and picked me up on the way and dropped me in my mom place instead of dropping me in office.I asked y he is doing like this.He told my mom that i need not go to office and let me stay here itself and went.
    Now i'm very confused.I dont know how to proceed with my life.please someone help to get out of this situation:bowdown.One important thing,my husbnad is getiing angry because of his parents only.They will say something about me,so he will come and show that angry on me.
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    What time you come back from office?Why do you have to wait until 11PM?
    Best thing go and talk to your MIL and see what she says about it.You tell that you can't sleep at 12pm and can't up at 6pm and simply not possible for you and see what she offers.Instead of fighting with your husband,best thing go and talk to your MIL directly.
    They just need some one who gives them respect.I guess they don't mind doing work but they need some kind of pampering and nodding your head for what they say.Go and talk to your in-laws directly from now on for how to solve your issues.
    Don;t run around here and there and that will not solve issues.
     
  3. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Kokila,

    Sorry to hear that you are going through tough up.
    Firstly, calm down and you will be able to think with proper clarity in mind.
    You mentioned you guys fight every time about the preparation of food. I am not sure if you spoke to your in-laws about this. If you didn't, like Priya16 suggested speak to them. Let them know you need good amount of sleep to be able to wake up early and do household work. Try talking to them about early dinner and retiring to bed early. Both of you work. Both of you have to share the household work and helping parents at home.
    Calm down and explain the problem and solution to him and in-laws calmly and firmly. Do not loose your temper even if you are provoked. And please never, ever, how much angry you are, threaten your husband that "you will die". That will have a very bad impact on the other person. I am guessing your husband left you at your mom's place because of such statement and obviously wants to cover his back. So, please calm down and talk to him calmly. Introspect yourself and try to mend things from your side. Start with an apology... I am sure he will pay attention to you and not just to his parents.

    Take care. God be with you.
     
  4. Vidya21

    Vidya21 Senior IL'ite

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    Firstly, you need to talk to your DH objectively, without crying. This is only as big a deal as you make out of it. It is much harder to reason with someone when you are all wound up, choking and crying.

    Secondly, don't let this get out of hand into something bigger. We are all pressed for time, and squeezing in sufficient rest is tough, whether there are in-laws or not. Focus on how you can optimize the time you have.

    Here are some ideas:
    1. Is it likely you could take a later/earlier work shift?
    2. Is it likely you could help with/completely take over one of the meals-preparation thing in the house and your MIL does the other one? For instance, you take care of breakfast, MIL cooks dinner or vice versa? I would personally lean in favor of helping with dinner - because that needs most help in most houses, and also it has the most chance that your DH will realize you are doing the work. Everyone is wound up and busy in the morning to notice what you did. It does not look like they resent your rest, they resent the fact that MIL is working alone and you are resting (yes, they are not realizing that MIL was at home, and you worked a 12 hr shift, but thats life and its not going to be fair... so grow up.)
    3. Lastly, sleep is a function of how you train your body. I agree it is tough and it is really important to get your rest - but sometimes, practically, you just can't. There are not enough hours in the day. So, slowly start shifting your sleep times - 15 minutes later, and 15 minutes earlier if 1,2 does not work for you.

    Good luck!
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2010
  5. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    1. Explain to your dh and mil that the late nights are making it hard for you to get up early in the morning. Tell that you need at least 8 hours of sleep, and so you need to either have your dinner earlier, or be allowed to wake up later.

    2. Ask your husband not to involve your parents anymore or create drama by dropping you off at their house unannounced.

    3. Stop crying, and ask him to stop shouting.
     
  6. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear,
    First of all calm down. Marriage,job and family life is not always as easy as it seems.
    • Make a time table .
    • Talk to DH about it and make sure you both are on the same page.
    • Hire a maid so both you and MIL can get some rest.
    Crying and shouting is what immature people do. Its also immature to drop someone off to their mom's place or just to go off to your mom's place with your clothes if you are angry.

    You both are adults and need to behave like that.Keep it between you both and don't get everyone involved.

    Take Care.
    FL.
     
  7. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    Kokila,

    The way I see it is:
    You said in desparation that you are going to die. Though that might be out of frustration, on the spur of the moment, may be your DH dreaded that thought and did not want to take any chance. He wanted you to be safe and calm down. That could be a reason for him dropping you at your mom's place. I am not here to say whether what he did was right or wrong. But that there is such a possibility. No DH could let the DW go to work at that state of mind. He cannot make you stay at your home - that might lead to further arguments with your MIL. He cannot let you go to work - for he is afraid of what irrational act you might be upto as per your "I am going to die" statement. So he would have thought your mom's place might calm you down or atleast stop you from the suicidal thought. He might not have been in the state of mind to explain you his thought process but would have felt dropping you there as a preferable option.

    Now coming to the root cause of your problem..
    Is there actually a problem?

    If not getting enough sleep is the only thing that stops you from getting up early as you used to do in your mom's place, you have nearly 1.2 years to find a solution!
    * Tell DH you need 'n' hrs of sound sleep and adjust the routine. Either you go to bed early or get up late after coming to a mutual understanding and agreement with DH and other family members. Try your best to make them understand that your intention is not to sleep late on purpose. Pitch in with household work in a compensating way.

    * Crying... is a bad weapon.. it hurts the crier, makes her weak. irritates the viewer, makes him go indifferent in due course. After repeated usage, the weapon gets as blunt as it can.

    Instead of seeing it so negatively, Kokila there is an alternate angle that do exist here..

    Your DH and You get along pretty good except for this one thing - your relationship with his FOO. So now you know what needs more work.. your relationship with his FOO. Try your best to improvise that. Little adjustments here and there are not signs of weakness. It will only make you stronger.. like the pillar that holds the fort, be the pillar that holds DH and his FOO together as one unit.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2010
  8. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Kokila,
    Once you return from office.. see if you get a chance to take a small nap of 15 mins to 1/2 hr.

    There were times in early marriage days when we also used to have dinner somewhere between 10-12 when I would already be @ home by 6pm, I used to cook dinner.. go off to sleep from 7-8 or 8-9 types(alarm set), be ready b4 DH came and then have dinner with him & sleep arnd 12 & get up at 6.

    If one cant sleep for minimum 8 hrs then its surely has effect on health.
    Tell your DH that you're trying... but you need total 8 hrs so if its fine you could sleep for an hr in late evening. When inlaws are around they might feel offended with this off hr sleep pattern, but then let him decide and tell from his parent's perspective.

    Mostly sleep deprived people feel like ending lives or threaten to do so when they see too many fights around them.. because they'd become too weak... However its best not to use these words again.
     
  9. Kokila05

    Kokila05 New IL'ite

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    Dear friends thanks for ur replies.

    I have alredy spoken to about this issue to my in-laws.They told me that hereafter v'll have dinner by 9 but none of the day they had.

    I was preparing food before.but my FIL will not like my cooking.
    What he wants is MIL should prepare and only MIL should serve food for him.Then only he will be satisfied.IF i prepare food he will always find some fault in it.But others will always appreciate it,but th fact is the food will be really good.Everyone will have diffrent style of cooking.But FIL will insist me to cook in MIL style,which i dont like it.To be frank i dont like MIL preperation as there will be no spice in her cooking, it will be in blunt taste.

    My hubby always wants his parents to be happy.If we plan to go outside, and if his parents ask him to take outside, he will not say that we have already planned to go out.I will be getting ready to go but he will come and say that he is going to take his parents outside.My anger is why he is not asking his brother to take his parents out.My BIL will be simply sitting in home and watch TV, he will take his parents outside.
    Now what i'm trying to say is,he will be always inhis parents side only.
    I want some situation where he would really feel for my absence.
    now i'm in my mom place for 6 days not even a single call.I think he is enjoing his life with his parents.so only no call from him.You can ask me why cant you call him.There is a reason for it.I called him but he never responded.so onli i stopped calling him.Please advice me what can i do.Am i doing anything wrong.
     
  10. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

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    There is no 'side' Kokila. If you see that you all (his FOO, you and your DH) are one single unit, you will not feel that way..

    Your DH cannot tell his parents to drop their plan. He takes the 'liberty' to tell you because you are HIS dear wife who he thinks will support his cause. Now isn't that lovely?! Next time when you guys plan to go out, remind your DH gently so he can give some heads up to his parents. That way, they will not come up with their own plan on the same day. Even if something urgent comes up and your DH has to accompany them, so what? There is always a next time, right? The more you adjust, DH will make it a point to take you out on his own without a scene.

    See.. the more you come across like a nag (I do not mean you are a nag.. pls don't mistake me, kokila..) the more he would avoid your presence.
    If your DH misses you in your absence, that is the signal that your relationship is on track. Work on that. Make your presence so pleasant with no silly arguments and more minor adjustments.. no big deal. Win his heart. He will miss you automatically.

    About your BIL:
    Your DH is a son. He knows his responsibility. Your BIL does not seem to be so according to your post. Now would it look good if the sons fight as to who should take care of their parents? How would the parents feel? Won't they feel ashamed, hurt? Your DH being the good responsible son and man, he does his duty. Be proud of him.
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2010

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