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What should i do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by wisha, Mar 17, 2010.

  1. wisha

    wisha Senior IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    I am really tensed or should i say afraid. After marriage i have seen loads of ups and downs.Finally i resigned from my job and did everything to peace at house.i dont blame anyone for job as my health was bad and i was not in situation to manage it.

    Still, i am fade up with there interference.My MIL is becoming impossible day by day. She is so interfering and dominating that i dont dare to tell her about my travel plans to my mom's place or anywhere. I want to tell about this holi, we have plans to go to my mom's place, we booked our tickets but they dint let us go by making emotional pressure on me and my hubby.She wants everything should happen according to her.I am really fade up with this.i never replied her back.Now my BIL got married, where everyone was praising me in that wedding, she started scolding me for some small issue.if someone praises me now then she starts praising my co-sister. I had miscarriage twice, i was in pressure both the times because of all this. We gonna plan again in few months.She wants me to go and stay at her place. As,i already discussed with my hubby that i wont.
    one more thing, my PILs take big sum of money to give my BIL.its not for the first time, my BIL and PIL already taken a big sume of money thrice. In past 2 yrs they keep taking there is no full stop, my PILs are also rich, i dont know why they are taking money from my hubby always.
    Now its almost 2 years of our marriage and within few months i will be in process to plan.i really want to know How to stop her from this? i am afraid when she stays far, she interferes so much,when she will come and stay with us how will i manage? I came with a mind frame,i will make my in laws my parents but now i am so afraid from her. I started hating her.I keep crying sometimes.I read loads of positive books and wrote positive notes and poems but nothing helped. I want to draw a line .

    Thanks,
    wisha
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2010
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  2. ras09

    ras09 New IL'ite

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    Hi Wisha,
    Since your MIL is coming to stay with u and she has done so bad with you.
    so its high time to stand up for yourself.
    its very important to know your husband's stand on this issue.
    Does he support you? You have to speak some where.
    Please dont let her ruin your self esteem...
    Ignore her as much as possible. Just listen to her but do what you like to do..
    if she creates drama then let her know politely that i like it this way.
    Tc
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Do you guys live in same house?It looks to me you don't live with them.Then it's your weakness to think about her all the time.Why do you have to go only holly time.Book the ticket and leave and if she has objections with her son then leave her son for sometime and go alone.I beleive they are ok if you go alone only the problem comes if you take her son to your house.
    Don't think about her too much,.Practice Yoga and have keep the mind peace.if you think about her more and more then your health will spoil.Don't worry about the money for right now.Anyhow It looks like you have have enough money.Your husband will eventually will learn.So keep yourself happy and keep occupy with some thing or the other.
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2010
  4. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Wishwa

    Please dont be scared of your mil. Just remember she is not your school teacher or something and your not a kid of a primary class.

    Just stand up for your self dear. If she scolds you , you dont have to take it. Just tell her to behave properly. You are an adult , she must be used to scolding everbody in the family including your dh but she has no right to scold you whatever the reason might be. The fact that you keep quiet itself makes her powerful.

    And secondly , if you and your dh has decided to go to your mom place or any other place, she has no right to interfere in your matters. For that you have to talk and discuss with your husband very very clearly. Crying alone is not a solution.Nobody is going to wipe your tears. So you just have to stand for yourself and speak up.

    Tomorrow when you have your children do you want your mil to dominate or scold you in front of them. So please dear dont tolerate all her nonsense.

    Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It is all because of tension and pressure given by them. But dont worry , you will surely conceive dear.

    I wish you all the best.
     
  5. wisha

    wisha Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks Ras,Priya and Shruthi,

    I know all three of you want me to stand for myself. I should let my MIL go out of my mind. i will try to do that.About my DH's stand, he doesnt want to answer back and even i find it really difficult .He supports me but cant answer back to his parents.He asks me if anyone misbehaves just answer back he wont stop me but he cant.We tried to manage it to maximum extent.Now Its too much. I will definitely stand for myself.
    And i want to tell you priya,we dont have so much money.We limit our expenditure, dont waste a single penny.We want to save as my hubby is in private and after recession, we want to be in safer side.More than money their attitude hurts both of us.
    Shruthi, she becomes so loud in front of anyone and everyone that , i come in pressure.I never had such experience at my home.Going alone is a solution still my parents also want to see his son in law once in a year even. Are they wrong?
    thanks friends, next time i will surely take care that i must draw a line.

    With wishes,
    Wisha
     
  6. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Wishwa its a good thing that your husband has told you to answer back if someone misbehaves. So this a good opportunity for you that whenever she shouts or screams , you just remain your cool, look straight into her eyes and ask her why are you shouting lady ? We all have proper ears. Just back answer straight but in a stern way. You dont have to be presurrised. But even if she continues to shout just put your hands on your ears so that she feels directly insulted. You have to teach her lesson. Never give anyone liberty to scold or scream at you. Good luck dear.
     
  7. wisha

    wisha Senior IL'ite

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    i'll try to do that.Now a new situation is that we are going to my mom's place and actually my DH has official tour to that city. But he told his parents that he is actually going to some other city and then for 3-4 days he will go to my parent's city. He was telling me that ,he has to lie otherwise his parents will feel that he has planned that trip. Actually, there is some festival again and my MIL just asked me to come if i can.Just 2 weeks back we returned from my IL's place. Now,My DH has this official tour and just now we came..so, he dint want to send me alone to his parent's place.He told that this way only, they will be comfortable.So its better to lie,why unnecessary hurting them.i cant understand why they will hurt, if he is going for his office work and i'll go and stay with my parents. I told what he asked me to tell but i afraid this thing will create a new scene in future.If anyways they will come to know,my MIL will blame me only.I hate lies.So,i am quiet uncomfortable.
    Now,i am trying to avoid thinking about it.But if it happens,what will i do?please suggest.

    Thanks,
    wisha
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2010
  8. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    Actually Wishwa its good that your dh is there with you and is supporting you so that you dont get any kind of blame from his mother. But the thing is that why is your husband so scared of her that he has to tell her a lie. Instead he should have told his mom firmly that this is the situation so he has to stay with you at your moms place. And if your mil confronts or says some stupid things that you and your dh planned it then your dh can tell her straightforwardly that if she does not want to believe it , it is up to her but this is it , as simple as that.

    What if your mil comes to know about the lie, she may not tell her son anything but she will directly blame you for all the plan. Afterall its every mil s nature.

    Still you discuss with your dh,if he still feels that he can lie and control the situation then let it be but just remember one thing everytime lying is not a solution to a problem. As you never know when you might face a problem.

    Just tell your dh to be a little bold next time and talk to her firmly.
     
  9. shrutidunwoody

    shrutidunwoody Bronze IL'ite

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    And one more thing Wishwa just forgot to add something , since you said that your dh has already told the lie to his mother, and suppose if she comes to know the truth , she will definetely put the blame on you.

    In that situation, you just tell her firmly not to involve you in all this. Tell her that it was your sons decision to tell you a lie because he knows that you would make the situation worse. So if she has further questions kindly talk to your son. All this you have to tell her in a clear and stern manner. Getting scared of her wont help. Tell your dh also to talk in that manner. At some point your dh has to speak up.Only because your mil shouts or screams you both cant always keep quiet.
     
  10. wisha

    wisha Senior IL'ite

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    thanks a lot shruthi,

    i tried to discuss my Dh, but he told that he knows his mom best.So,he knows how to handle problems related to her. He tells since she is elder, he cant respond her whether she is right or wrong.He tells he too understand whats wrong but he cant just tell her mom because then she will dont take is as conversation but as blame.
    He tells, he tries to avoid the problem and he will take care of it.
    i just crossed my fingers.If such situation will come.I'll tell the truth in polite but firm manner.For sure... we are going to my inlaws place to consult a gynec .. whom she wants me to consult as she doesnt rely on chennai's doc..as twice miscarriage happened to me.She doesnt understand that both of the times she came to increase my pressure.She asked me to come and stay with her for pregnancy.I told a big NO for that to my Dh and he too agreed. But he still wants to go and consult that gynec .As my medicine course gonna get over next month.So,we are going next month.
    suggest me, how to make things,so,that i can limit her access in our this private matter.one more thing i wanna add,i got a good gynec here.I trust her.

    thanks,
    Wisha
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2010

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