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What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Flyhigher, Aug 18, 2022.

  1. Flyhigher

    Flyhigher Gold IL'ite

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    A month back when I was speaking to DH’s cousin got know that my Cosister is conceived with her second baby. my in-laws started telling to everyone after 5th month. Till today neither DH or me heard anything directly from inlaws or bil or cosis. I thought it slipped from their mind, they might have thought they already informed the news to me. I thought it is better if they tell me this good news and waiting still.
    I speak to my mil least 2-3 days in a week and my Cosis once in a while may be once in 20 days or so. I don’t have any hard feelings nor any expectations.
    I am visiting India to my cousin’s daughter wedding. This was planned long back. Looks like godh bharai is also next month but I have no news of it yet.
    Now my mil is insisting me to go to directly to my cousins place(Nagpur). And she will send my clothes to my cousin place with someone. Which is ok.
    But my problem is after I met with an accident this year I lost so much weight and I don’t know which dress and saree will fit me, plus all my jewels I prefer to see and match what I wear. I don’t know what to do now.
    I don’t know why they are trying to avoid me. Or they might have forgotten. I thought of wait for few more days and see, If I don’t hear anything thinking to tell them I heard the news, I am happy and wish them. Is it ok to do so? Should I keep quiet?
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Both you and your DH haven't heard the news. MIL wants you to go directly to the cousin's place. This cannot be a coincidence. At best, they are worried you guys will feel bad about the good news, in particular after your accident and weight loss. Maybe they don't really believe your child-free life is by choice. Anyway, no point in trying to guess the reason why they are not telling you.

    Looks like they have not thought this through. They have to tell you guys at some time. How will they explain not telling till then? It is better if you wish them. But how to do this? You can't say you heard from someone. That could become awkward as they try to explain why they didn't tell you.

    Maybe, during one of the calls, turn it into a video call. Say you want to see your sarees, dresses and jewels to choose which should be sent to your cousin's place. Add co-sis to the call. She should be looking pregnant by now. Wish her.

    I personally would opt for keeping life simple. Go to cousin's wedding. Buy any jewelry and clothes necessary. Eat good wedding food. Enjoy. Come back.
     
    shreepriya and Thyagarajan like this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband should talk directly to his brother.
    Does your family know that you have chosen a CFBC life? If they don’t they might be worried that you will be upset by the news since you don’t have children or that you might be jealous. When I was going through fertility struggles one of my aunts avoided me during her daughter’s pregnancy because she thought I would bring negative vibes. If you see co-sis in person then they won’t be able to avoid the topic.
    You should be able to collect your own jewels though without being made to feel awkward. Have your DH initiate the conversation.
     
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    of late, I've learned one important thing in maintaining relationships. You can't force anyone to love you, like you or respect you or trust you. It has to be mutual, and it has to happen naturally. Allow them to process how best they want to communicate this matter with you for whatever the reasons they have.

    You must know your in laws better than us.
    However, looking at your case and the common belief/norm in India etc... I think it is not a genuine mistake or coincidence.
    Sorry for being blunt here, but it looks like they do not feel comfortable sharing this news with you!
    They better know the reasons behind this discomfort.... But, the fact is that they are not ready to reveal this to you now.

    I would feel offended if my MIL asks me not to come to their home, but go to my cousins' place directly given all my cloths are at MIL's place. But I would understand their reasons (whatever), and avoid going there during my entire trip. I can also give reasons (whatever) and expect them to understand me.
    Relationship works two ways...

    Enjoy your trip. If the sarees do not fit, get new ones or stitch new blouses. Find common jewels that can go with any colour sarees, or get new jewelries. These should not be the reasons to lose your sanity.
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @Flyhigher - if I were you, I would call co sis, wish her and ask her what she wants for the baby from here. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of not being told since the guilty party will anyway continue to feel guilty and make excuses.

    I would also get my jewelry from my MILs place and either bring it back or keep it in a separate bank locker in my name alone in India. At one point, parents/in - laws etc get on in age. It’s not the best idea to have jewelry in their possessions. This has no bearing on the query you asked. It’s just that best be practical.
     
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  6. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Best advice but easier said than done..i have faced the same issue..if you can do it it will b the most graceful thing.
     
    Laks09 likes this.

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