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What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ATI, Nov 14, 2019.

  1. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Some background: We live in the US. I work full time/ smallish kids. ILs have their green card and spend 6 mo here and 6mo in India. They split the 6mo here between our place and BILs place. ILs and I have a bad relationship (they pulled some crazy stunts when I was pregnant and after I had my kids ). After that every time they come here it ends in fight because they want to live a certain way and I refuse to accommodate their every need. To be clear - they are very comfortable but I am not taking them around and entertaining them etc. i don’t want to fix this relationship anymore - it’s been 15years and at this point if they behave better towards me it’s only because they want me to take care of them in their old age not because they think they did anything wrong or really changed.

    anyway, DH and I have a strict understanding that they will only be here for 3 months at a stretch; although they already broke that when they were applying for their GC and BIL/SIL got mad at them and sent them to our place when they were supposed to be at their place.

    now I found out from some people in India that ILs are selling all their property there and telling everyone they are moving to the US. They also told my mom this . I confronted DH and he claims they can’t maintain their place in India . it’s a 2 bedroom apartment in a managed apartment complex. There isn’t much they need to do and they have a maid as well. Also while FIL is old, MIL is fine health wise . DH claims that ILs want to sell their place and live in a rented apartment for the 6months they are in India .

    I think I am being taken for a ride (by everyone including my DH) - ILs are going to sell their place and claim they don’t have anywhere to live and move here permanently. DH did not discuss with me when ILs applies for GC and only told me after it was decided. That’s when I fought with him and we put in the 3mo limit.

    I don’t know what to do. I can’t say anything more to DH but once they sell their property I will get a ‘it’s done, can’t be changed. You have to adjust’ pressure.

    suggestions?

    and please don’t tell me I have to learn to adjust and poor them old people etc. these poor old people ruined the best years of my life. I couldn’t bond peacefully with my newborn child because of their drama. It is too stressful when they are here. We can’t relax at home after working all day and every week there is some new drama. They make it impossible for anyone friends/family to visit (they insulted and fought with my cousin sister when she came to my house). Only my MILs family can visit without it ending in a big fight. end of the day I am not a good enough person to put up with this kind of **** in my life - there I said it!

    What else can I try
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    When your husband isn’t sharing, standing beside you in support, then you don’t have a marriage. You can get a divorce and end the **** in your life.

    Of course you will list the reasons why you are not prepared to do that. A useful list that would be too. When you feel down, review the items on that list. This exercise has stabilized a lot of marriages, so that couples muddled on with their lives, happy or not.
    I didn't. No need to learn anything. You are like a hostage in your setup..... and you'll succumb to the stockholm syndrome. This has happened to millions of women before you.
    Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2019
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  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Be stubborn and don't let them sell their property. Tell things like "they will have an emotional attachment to that house where you all grew up . Why sell that house? " . Something like that..
    Also actual scenario is old people selling their property will make them insecure in their olden days. Tell him this!

    When a talk arises of selling my in law's property in other city I have used the same to give an emotional twist the story. In laws stay with us all the time but I want the other house in other city to be retained so that they or we can go there and spend some time as vacation.

    Let alone selling, I make sure they don't rent it out. Because I want that place to be retained as a holiday home for all(sisters in law included) in the family.

    Plus I'm not finding the logic in selling an apartment and renting one more.
    6 months pay rent and stay there and rest 6 months when they stay in US, still pay rent. For what? Rent as such is not very cheap in Indian metros (tier 1 & 2) cities.
    Such a waste of precious money right?
    Have you told this point to your husband?
    Discuss with him. When you get a chance start the conversation. Husbands will conveniently ignore the wives in such decisions. You initiate and have a neat discussion .
    This should change and figure out ways for it!
     
  4. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    Arghh..your situation is frustrating to even think about. So sorry you are living through it OP. You have to have a calm and controlled discussion with DH again. Tell DH everything you told us here again but more calmly. Be assertive. He needs to get that you are being serious and not just dramatic. And yeah, I don’t buy that renting is easier story. Who in their right mind will sell own home given the real estate costs in India?! And yeah, Also ask him about sponsoring your parents’ gc as well.
     
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  5. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    :facepalm::frown:
    The couple are already in a mess with one set of geezers arriving to ruin their peace, finances and more... I happen to post the following comment elsewhere, but it can fit here:
     
  6. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    I agree! I suggested it as a way of saying ‘ok fine. Let both set of parents come then’...Many men take it for granted that only their parents are the couple’s responsibility while conveniently forgetting the in laws. Maybe reminding equal treatment may lead him to take more practical decisions. We can only hope!
     
  7. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    It is very frustrating situation.

    Why would they chose to come to the US, when both your family and your BIL's family have not accepted or welcomed them?
    I think, the culprit here is your DH. Have an eye on him.
    Because BIL + SIL are together, and they decide what is best for their family together. That way, they chose not to host PILs forever, not even for 3 months for whatever the reasons best known to them.
    Now you too have the same complaint. But your DH reviews it differently.
    Instead of making a decision with his family, he takes his family for a ride by making a decision with his family of origin.
    Else, PILs wouldn't get the courage to sell their property and move to the US. That's a big decision at this age.

    It is an investment in any relationship to be nice & supportive to each other. PILs must have done that to you when you were needy and vulnerable at the early stage with a kid & new marriage.
    They failed. Failed miserably that you had to lose the best moments and regret for it for life.
    If you don't invest anything when you are able, it is impossible to expect any return when you are unable.

    Don't feel any guilt for standing up for yourself and protecting your family and peace against those abusers.
    Give clear signals to your H that you can't accept this, and he can't take any decisions behind your back just like that.
    Also give him clear indications as to what can he expect should he cross his limits by doing things without your consent.
    Obviously it is a trust issue, that amount to breach of marriage. Be firm, yet confident when you convey this to him. So that it does not sound like an emotional threat.

    As a married man with kids, he should think twice before risking his marriage.
    But if he chose to risk his marriage, it means he doesn't value your presence and the family you created together with him. If that's the case, what's the point of wasting rest of your life with this man and his clan in hell?

    Make a clear decision to your self. Be prepared for the worst. I mean every preparation such as financial, child care, accommodation etc..etc.. just in case.
    Be emotionally wise enough to chose the best when the right time comes
    Create a circle of support system for physical, financial and emotional needs.
    And get the confidence to have a talk with him with clear mind-set.

    He should listen to you. If not, you have got nothing to lose.
     
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  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    You have to be assertive and discuss with dh. Be very calm and composed. Only you know the dynamics of your family. Look like your dh think its ok to have a joint family setup in US when you want nuclear set up. From whatever you have written here, it look like these situations are affecting your married life. Why they sell their home ? Do they have enough money to pay rent for six months every year. It can be invested wisely, instead of wasting on rental property. Many men dont like to discuss their family matters or even ask opinion about on it to their dw. If they move to US, they will stay in your place for more than 6 months every year for sure.

    You need to discuss with your dh on what will happen if he don't respect you and move his parents permanently to US. He has many options. Listen to you and consider your opinions and make arrangements with BILS or move out to another house with parents and live there or buy/rent another house for parents to live (with money contributed by BIL and dh. Its the duty of kids to take care of parents, no doubt about it. But having ones own place is the best , that will help to maintain cordial relationship . You can tell your dh that you want you and his parents happy by this setup so that you can live in your way and they can also. Also, you cannot tolerate more fights with PILS ) or he has to face consequences.

    I remember a post on divorce by a lady after 25 yrs due to similar issues. You only have a few options, accept it, sacrifice, adjust etc... or move on with your life and comfort or convince your dh on alternative options. But how you do, only you can decide. But standing up for yourself is not a bad idea even though it comes with its own consequences.

    Replace angry with assertive in your case here. “Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
    — Aristotle
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2019
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  9. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    A home with mother-in-law suite is your best option. Whatever the case, even living 3 months ( feeling bitter about each other ) in the same house is not fun for anyone.
     
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  10. googleearth

    googleearth Bronze IL'ite

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    Rent in senior living facility in USA. If your DH is being this way especially it looks like your mil is no good tell your DH to rent them a house in US and with money from their house in India they will have enough to pay for their own rent.
     
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