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what shall i do now?suggest me

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by jayashree, Nov 20, 2007.

  1. jayashree

    jayashree New IL'ite

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    Dear all,
    I have a serious problem. After seeing threads in this column, i gathered some courage to express myself. I am chennaite and married since more than 30 yrs ago. It was an arranged marriage. I am neither beautiful nor so ugly to be got neglected. (I hope so) But my husband being very charm and handsome married me out of compulsion.At that time i was just 22 yrs old. Though he didn't like me he made me pregnant and my only support was father-in law who was very supportive as he might 've felt that he got a daughterinlaw without his son's nod. After the birth of my child he realised his folly and was very fond of me and I was very happy and gave birth to another child after 7 years.
    After some 20 years he met a lady who is married and looks pretty and younger than me. He's so attracted towards her and she was leading a very miserable life with her hub. His hatred towards me shd be in subconscious mind.so they started living together without my knowledge.
    when i came to know abt this there was no use. Their bondage became stronger and her so called husband is just keeping aloof. His real mind is not yet known.She has two daughters and one married and settled in foreign and another working in a decent company.She is very influential person and both of them help each other in solving their mutual problems. All my tears go in vain.
    Today i spoke to him who admitted that he's not satisfied with me in all manner and could not leave her.Her children knew abt this and they;ve accepted this it seems!! ( so awkward) so I told my elder son who requested his father to leave her step by step because she's such a rude lady and will do anything. this made things all the more worse.My second son has just gone to US for further studies who is very fond of his dad.(he was not told abt this as his studies may get spoiled) First son is married but has not disclosed this to even his wife.
    The irony is we r going to celebrate his 60th b'day nxt month. My husband says i should talk to that lady in a very friendly manner (as she entered my house only as my friend, now i can't even speak to her in a friendly manner)
    so that she started drifting apart from him and come closer to me. Is that possible?
    Now friends tell me. I'm in a desparate and very depressed condition. I am a good mother and looked after my inlaws in such a manner that among we 5 daughters in law i am the best they say. But what use. I failed to succeed in my life. shall I leave him and live separately. I don't want to further worry my sons who r now told that there is no dispute between us and they are happy.My husband wants me to tolerate this and leave the matter as it is. But for me, being brought up in a very orthodox family and having very high moral values could not just digest this. I am just struggling with this state of mind for the past 10 years.so many times i thought of committing suicide and later decided for no fault of me why shd i? guys please help me
    Jayashree
     
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  2. JayaJ

    JayaJ Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Jayashree,

    Its great to see this forum has helped you to come out of the closet. Its good that you have found the courage to share your problem.
    After reading your mail, it looks like, you have lived your life for your father-in-law, then, your husband and now your chidlren.
    If i were you, i would think of it this way - ok, i have fulfilled my obligations, duties as a wife, mother and daughter in law. i have been living my life for the past 30 years for some1 or the other. when am i going to start living for myself? if my husband is happy with some other woman, no problem. Let him. I am goin to start living for myself. I would do things that i been postponing in the past, that been inthe backburner. Start going out, meeting people, making new friends, join a women's clud, go on a trip..if you are the outdoor types, go on mountain hikes, treks..there are lot of such trips being organised by YWCAs.....if you are the type who is a lil traditional, then, join some painting class, cooking class (to teach)...stuff like that.....
    Make a list of all the things you would like to do, that you havent been able to do all these years.....try something new and something different like parasailing, etc.
    live life for yourself hereon. Visit your children for short periods. Dont overstay....
    Enjoy your life doing things that will make you feel happy...dont worry abt what others say. On your husband's 60th b'thday, breaking away from this life and starting a new one should be your gift to yourself.

    All the best (in making the break from the old life)
    Enjoy (your new life)!
     
  3. Amicable

    Amicable Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Jayshree

    I am feeling very sad and angry after reading your post. Unbelievble...from past few days I have been reading all kind of posts of physcial, verbal abuse and now cheating in old age? I really feel for you. I am going to ask you few question,I am sorry if its rude.

    1. Why are you still keeping relationship with your husband, who is living with the another women? Is it financial, emotional or are you afraid of society?

    2. You have two grown up sons, how do they feel about this situation? How come your elder son did not stand up for you?

    3. Why are you celebrating his 60th birthday? Don't you feel like cursing him by ruining your life, when person need the partner most in their old age, and he left you for another young women?

    4. How come you never thought of taking legal action against your husband and another women? Expose them in society. They both should be ashamed?

    I am really sorry if it hurts you. But its hurting me more, as I am writing this all. I don't know if your son can support you. But if not, you sound like an educated women, you can give tutions at home and earn some money for living. But do not allow somebody walk on you so easily after 30 years of your sacrifice. You sincerly dedicated your life for your Inlaws, husband and sons. You deserve lots of respect. Be strong and show them that you have self-respect. Take care.

    regards and best wishes.
     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    I feel for your pain , I must be half of your age , So it will be hard for me to ask any specific questions. But I must say, if your sons are ashamed of it and not standing for you. Then atleast YOU need to stand for yourself.
    Dont live this HOLLOW life of married woman . you have already done too much injustice with you, letting people misuse you again and again. This is about time you do justice to yourself.
    Dont relive the horror of accepting the other woman in your life. And DONT celebrate 60 th birthday and all that. Ask your husband people celebrate each other life becos they are happy and enriched. If you are not, why shoul you celebrate for social pressure. It s THEM who should be suffering NOT YOU.
    Ask your husband to officially divorce and give you your share in his wealth. else he will have to leave the lady in question.
    If you dont ask for your right, no one will. Your sons are worried for their married life. They are also as selfish as their father was. Just dont take this fakesheet of indian family over you, You have no one to loose. Because all around you are anyway not yours. So let them go and let good people come in your life.
     
  5. Shanthi

    Shanthi Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I have known people close (almost same age as you ) to me in this kind of situation. I am telling you the same thing I have told them. Loose him !!! You have spent your life for that guy, had his children, brought them up, educated and now they are all in good positions in society. Even couples who have problems earlier in life after so many years together, raising a family and building a home together, reach a position where they accept each other as they are and get peace, I am sorry to say your husband does not have moral values at all. If he can love and live with another man's wife ... in my eyes he is no man, not even a human being! It's not because he married because of his father that he is roaming around with other women. He is a loafer ! Even if he had married a woman of his choice he would still be straying. He is living with another man's wife. He has grown sons and he now wants romance with another woman making his wife cry. Any man with an ounce of deceny wouldn't even think of such things. So basically in his heart he was never a good man, SO STOP BLAMING YOURSELF !

    Get your divorce, get your share of everything and start a life for yourself. Cannot imagine your sons not helping you. Your husband has been blaming you for all of his misbehavior and knows that you will not go anywhere because of your complex. You have fulfilled all your duties, you have been an excellant wife and mother. You have to be proud of yourself. Don't accept that other low life into your family. Let's see how long his new found love lasts! Once you are out of the picture that low-life may also loose interest. You know these kind of women love the thrill of having another woman's man for themselves.

    Get rid of him. He is not worth your love, time and emotions. You are the same age as my mother. So please do not mistake me for giving you advice. I have personally dealt with problems similar to yours. Women always make this mistake of being calm and patient and crying in silence. The first time that lady set he foot in your house you should have hit her with your slippers. Then she would have known who you are and what she is. Do that the next time you see her and go ahead with your life. You don't need a husband like that. You deserve much better! The next time he asks you to accept that lady, ask him if he can accept another man in your life. Someone who appreciates you better than him. Enjoy the look in his face.

    Please do not cry. Please do not give in to his demands. Be proud of yourself and make a point to live for yourself and your happiness from here on.
     
  6. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Jayshree,

    The biggest mistake you are doing is that you are still not disclosing the truth to others that your husband is Cheating you. If a woman is troubled by her spouse or inlaws and yet she agrees with it and continues living in that hell, is still understood. But no woman should allow cheating in her life. The moment she knows that there is another woman in her husbands life, she should opt out of that marriage. Because nothing is a SIN than cheating on one's own spouse. Why should a woman pay for the mistakes she has not done? Would a husband accept his wife if she had cheated on her? NEVER. You have valid reason to walk out on him.

    What I would suggest is disclose the fact that your husband is cheating and sleeping with another woman. You have not done anything wrong then why worry. Let the world know about it and make him GUILTY for what he has done. Your hiding this from others has given him the courage to take this further. Let your younger son and the elder sons wife know about this. Move out with your kids and start life afresh. There is never a tomorrow, the present is the TRUTH.

    Maybe after 5-10 years, he may return back to you (no one will support him in his old age, he will be thrown out, mind you), but you never tsk forgive him. He doesnt need forgiveness for the miserable 30 years of your life. And who knows he wont start again what he has done before. As a Liar is always a Liar, so also a Cheater is always a Cheater. Be fair and live life on your terms. Be brave and stand for your rights.

    All the best

    Diana
     
  7. Mallika29

    Mallika29 New IL'ite

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    Hi Jayashree ,


    You've so many qualities in you and that's more beautiful than anything . which your husband has failed to see all these years . Who cares whether he's handsome or not .He' s not worth of whatever you've given him all these years . When he's gone to the extent of having another woman , you should just walk out . Pls don't even think twice. Indian women should come out of all these, should show that they can live happily and have a better life without such kind of men . Then men would fear to do such mistakes in the future . Teach him a lesson. I'm sure that lady would leave him soon . Then he's going to face more problems and feel more lonely for the rest of his life . There would be many friends to support you than him . If your children are not supportive, forget that also , lead your life. Do things you like to do . Divorce him, get the money u've to get and lead a happy life . Already you've wasted so many years of life for a person who's not worth it . You can join some social organisation and show ur love and affection to people who need it and get their love in return . You can meet your old friends and have some peace in life . Maybe I'm young in telling you what to do . But all my other IL friends have expressed the same and I wanted to say my opinion and make you more strong which will help you to take a good decision. Pls don't celebrate his 60th birthday . Walk out and give that as gift to him. How dare he asks you to adjust and be friendly with other lady . Give that lady a good piece of ur mind ( I don't know how some ladies have the nerve to spoil somebody's life like that without any guilt feeling ) . Tell her she can't step inside the house when u're there . Pls don't allow that to happen. If ur hubby insists , tell him he can do whatever he wants( it's not going to bother u anymore b'cos he's already out of ur life ) after giving u the divorce and the money . Take care and all the best in life .

    Rgrds,
    Mallika
     
  8. imemyself

    imemyself Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Jayashree,
    Please stop worrying about someone who doesnt care to think abt the future of your 2 wonderful kids!!!

    And I am upset that you havent disclosed this to your son at U.S!
    I accept that his studies shld not get spoilt but at the same time he should know what kind of a character is his father whom he respects so much and that shld give him an urge to do well in studies so tht he makes u proud and make his father shld realise what he has missed!!!
    But don't give that news as a shock but write ur experience as a new wife to ur dad who never approved u at the beginning and then accepted u and again left u!!! So that ur son knows how much u have went through!!
    Many parents think that kids should not be told abt any difficulty but kids shld be aware of what the parents have sacrificed for their growth!
    My parents brought us,me and my brother, up making us aware of all the good and bad tides in life and because of this me and my bther respect and love them so much.We both are married and settled but we share such a bond that is so strong!Even after marriage I continue my duties as a daughter,which intially did give misunderstandings between me and my hubby.But I was strong on that.
    Y I am telling this is...ur sons shld realise all the hardships u took to raise them and they shld give u their support!!!

    And enough of ur sacrifice for ur hubby!!
    Live for urself and ur kids!!

    All the Best anf my prayers are their with u!!

    Love,
    Jaya
     
  9. jayashree

    jayashree New IL'ite

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    Dear all,
    I am immensely happy and overwhelmed by the responses received globally in such a short notice.While i too have similar anger and agony towads him. I have to take the next step very carefully. Not that my elder son is not showing interest in this.I only mailed him that that things r moving smoothly and he need not worry abt me. why i did so? coz, he threatened me he'd commit suicide if things go worse.especially to his younger son who is very pet to him. U may say i shd not've bothered abt that. But the real fact is he is the best son to his father and all his relatives have immense respect and faith in him and for any problem in any relative's family he's the one who is approached!!!!!.
    The lady ( she is a counsellor in the nearby women's police station). He takes her to our relative's house and sort out their marital problem under the pretext that she's a counsellor. she moves very close with all our relatives so that they don't mistake him at all. He has moved all coins very cleverly that even if i disclose the matter they'll be saying that it's all my own imagination, and i have no proof but for their own confession.
    Recently my son celebrated house warming function for which his father told him to invite her. (she is very adamant in attending all our family functions for which i strongly object)
    But my son keeping me in mind, did not invite her.Though he knows her well as her association with the family is years back, he has understood about her and is keeping away from her, (later only he came to know abt this).
    This matter created some problem.
    Anyhow ladies i thank u all for ur immense moral support. All these years i felt i am all alone. Now i have so many friends. thanks indus!
    I'll take appropriate steps and let u know abt the results in due course. I thank u all once again.I'll reply individually too later.
    Jayashree
     
  10. imemyself

    imemyself Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Jayashree,
    It's really nice to hear u sound positive!
    Very good ,that you have put a stop to ur questions and now ready to make moves and win the game!!
    Great!! And ur sons support will ofcourse be there!
    All the best and keep us updated!
    Love,
    Jaya
     

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