The past few days have been incredibly difficult. Words can’t express the fear and helplessness I felt, silently watching over my husband in a hospital room. Thankfully, he's now in good hands and recovering faster than expected. It all began with a simple stomach discomfort after a heavy Easter dinner. A hospital visit revealed a small gallstone in the neck of his gallbladder. What seemed minor quickly turned into a serious, life-threatening infection. Two weeks of uncertainty followed, ending in emergency surgery and the insertion of a drainage tube. He’s recovering well, and the tube will soon be removed. This experience reminded me how vital a strong support system is. My sister and brother-in-law were by my side, cooking, helping, and just being there. My mother took charge at home, ensuring my kids stayed focused on their exams. My brother managed things in our hometown and travelled back and forth to visit. Friends constantly checked in, referred us to good doctors, and lifted our spirits. But what hurt most was witnessing my husband at his most vulnerable, especially in ICU and longing for the very people he had distanced himself from for the sake of our marriage. Years ago, I gave him an ultimatum to choose between his family or our peace, after enduring years of interference and emotional drain. He chose us, and only then did our marriage begin to heal and grow. Yet in that fragile moment, he missed them, especially his mother and brothers. I supported him to reconnect. He called them, and while his first brother responded politely and visited briefly, their involvement ended there. His mother never followed up after that single call. No message. No concern. His other brother from abroad just sent a "Get well soon" whatsapp message. The only brother who visited us in the hospital also caused discomfort by interfering and commanding on what he should be eating etc and mindlessly checking what my BIL offered. That's all, after which he didn't even bothered. Still, he defends them. He says they show love differently. And that makes me quietly furious; not at them, but at the pain it causes him, and the loyalty he still carries. This is our 20th year together—15 of them as husband and wife. His family, who once neglected him, suddenly became affectionate after our marriage knowing our bank balance, and pulled away again when I took control of our finances. That distance brought us strength, stability, and unity. But frankly, they had a great time when our marriage sulked. Now he misses them again. This made him resent whatever we do for him. Our efforts, the love, the sacrifices for him and all goes unseen and he only misses his folks. And honestly—I don't know what more I can do. Of course he did not say anything openly, but his body language and words make me feel really bad.
For the sake of our peace, we sometimes set boundaries, cut ties, or reduce contact to the bare minimum. Popular wisdom tells us this is the healthiest path, and often, it is. But that road comes with detours. In moments of deep joy or pain, we might find ourselves missing them. Reaching out can lead to mixed outcomes. One possibility: they think, “Yay, we’re back to how things were,” and the hard-earned boundary begins to unravel. Another: they stay distant. And honestly, we can’t fault them. That distance is part of the boundary package. We can’t expect someone to step in during our hard moments, only to step back out once things settle. Your husband is in the middle of this dilemma. Let him live through it. Missing them, wishing they showed some care doesn’t mean he resents your love and care. You were the main builder of this boundary, and he knows it was necessary. Still, give him grace. Let him grieve what could have beven- love and concern from his mom, siblings. Don’t try to talk him out of the illogical in his feelings. Just hold space. Things will go back to routine. There's nothing more you can do. It is for the best that they remained cool. Usually, people take advantage of such times and push their way back into our lives.
@SGBV, I am so sorry to hear that your husband is going through some health issues and I hope and pray for him to recover soon. When a person gets sick, he remembers all that he had been through during childhood and how his family tend to him. However, based on what you had shared so far, your insisting on a peaceful life together is not based on flimsy reasons of difference of opinion but based on solid ground that your marriage was systematically destroyed by your inlaws. You have explained to him what was going wrong and I am sure your inlaws might have shared their point of views as well. However, he took a rational decision to stand what is right for his family consist of wife and children. If his conscience made that choice after evaluating all options, he should not regret that decision now. Based on what you said above, you have encouraged him to reestablish with his family but it is not working out. Sometimes, what is broken is difficult to fix. He needs to understand that. He needs to also understand the difference between wilful negligence of the extended family vs reactionary decision based on the wrongful acts of the extended family members. His reactions and longing should be based on his understanding that what happened before is not because of his or his family's mistake. If he ends up ruining his happy life with his family because of his longing for the relationship with his extended family, he would only prove what your mother was saying all along about him. It is okay for him to have relationship with his extended family to the extent it doesn't affect his current relationship with his wife and children. If it is temporary longing because of his scare for his life due to illness, it is understandable but if it affects his relationship with you and children beyond this stage, then, he is entering into dangerous territory. I trust your judgment that he stayed with his wife and children because it was the right thing to do and not because of the wealth you have generated. Don't be too hard on yourself and I believe you have done everything possible to support him and his peace. He should seriously think how he can reestablish relationship with his extended family without affecting his current life with his wife and children. If it is possible, then, he should try as things change as people get older. However, if it is not possible, he should stick to the decision he had taken to sustain his marriage. My best wishes.
You and your husband had done everything in your power to build a beautiful family around you guys by setting boundaries and priorities. At the cost of losing few family members who couldn't understand your needs, boundaries or priorities. But that's what was needed for your family. You did what is right for your family jus the way how they must have done for their family. Right now, he is in recovery period of his health situation. I think he feels this way - trusting his family members again only due to his high emotions running along with this health problem. Looking at your relatives doing all personal chores for him might have triggered him to think about his family members. Also, the fact that he has lot of time being spent in hospital resting and thinking and now after seeing his estranged family, he must be thinking of rekindling relations, appreciating the little interactions of his brothers. He now considers this little communication of his brothers as a huge sign of love given that it comes after this estrangement and of having high emotions. As rihanna pointed out, let him live through this. Once he is recovered, he will be able to see the situation beyond his health issues and assess it rationally. The emotions he and his family has now is genuine, long lasting, trustful, mutual and respectful after his complete recovery. Once he recovered, make sure your family and it's peace is not disturbed due to this rekindling thoughts and interactions. Revisit the needs, boundaries and priorities if needed after his complete recovery. Sometimes, you don't need to revisit anything, the reality itself will let him know better. I really hope he will love your family just like he understood the first time - this coming from a similar experience of what my dad went through. Prayers to you and him for his complete recovery and your family peace ✌️
Thank you @Rihana, @wish4miracle, and @Viswamitra sir for your thoughtful responses. Yes, emotions are running high for us right now. The past two weeks have taken a toll. We’ve been through so much and are still in the process of emotionally recovering from this ordeal. So, I can truly understand what might be going through his mind at this moment. As @wish4miracle rightly pointed out, even a small gesture from his family, like a call or a WhatsApp message could feel overwhelmingly significant to him right now. I think I’ll wait a bit longer, let the dust settle, and give him the space to heal. Hopefully, he will move past this phase with grace and we can return to our usual life together. Still, a small part of me can’t help but worry about the “what ifs,” especially considering everything we’ve already been through in our marriage. I am no longer the dependent, fragile version of myself who feared outside interference. But I also know, deep down, that his family never truly loved him. Expecting anything genuine or good to come from reconnecting with them seems unrealistic. They mistreated him when he had nothing. Yet, when he gained stability, (largely through our marriage) they suddenly became affectionate and tried to control his life. And when he lost control over the family finances and had to cut back on support due to our own serious family needs, they were the ones who chose to walk away. Now, they may very well remain distant, knowing there’s no financial gain in reconnecting. Or they might exploit his current vulnerability and health issues to manipulate their way back in. Either scenario leaves me feeling the need to stay extremely cautious. Honestly, it’s exhausting. It sometimes feels like I’m married to a man whose past never truly lets us be at peace, and I live with a constant fear, not just of losing him, but of losing everything we’ve built together.
I can understand the situation and the constant fear it causes. But then, it's all about getting back on our feet. Whenever this fear comes up, just remind yourself that this fear, this situation, is temporary. You are being cautious until the situation settles.