Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Patientone, Dec 29, 2021.
Mummy’s boys who think their momma is always right but never defend the wife.
Same here. Same question here.
A fully grown spine, some maturity and a rational mind! Yeah, there's nothing much you can do except for waiting patiently until he reaches there. If you think "why should I waste my life?" then you have to think of alternatives. If you wish to give it a chance, then you have to prepare and invest in some uphill journey. But, the change is not guaranteed. Some change & mature, many don't.
If you choose to stay with him for reason you know best, here are some tips which might help you go on:
- You have to be the bigger person. You need to have the maturity and patience of two persons.
- Preserving your sanity, reducing friction and keeping the relationship peaceful as much as possible is your aim and NOT his "change".
- To make him see your point, you have to tell him how right you are and NOT how wrong his mother is.
- Try to present your grievances in a neutral way. Say what went wrong and not who did what. The less number of "your mom" you use in your expression, the more possibility of him listening to what you say. You start your conversation with "Your mom", you cannot blame him if he hasn't heard anything said after that because, "Your mom" from you literally turns him off.
- Not all things are black & white like one is wrong and the other is right. There are things where both can be right yet, it chokes one/both parties in some way. Things done with best intentions also can hurt others. You need to have that understanding and also teach him to see things that way every-time you put forward your concerns to him. Remember, he is immature so, his scale has only right and wrong and nothing in between.
- Pick your battles wisely. Pick two things out of ten that really matter to you. Means, you might have to let go eight out of ten. Unfair, I know, but you have no choice.
- Don't share anything with him that you don't want his mom to know.
- As much as possible, maintain boundaries with his mother. Limited contact, limited comments, limited time in her company. You can do it even if you are living with her under one roof. Figure out, you can!
- Actually, sometimes the hurt and anger is about "how detached" he is with you and other times, the hurt & anger is about "how attached" he is with his mom. Your focus should be on the former and not the latter. Work on the former and never hate her or react to her basing on "how attached" your H is with her. Fight for what is "due" to you and don't try to sever his attachment with her. She is his mom. Your problem should only be with the "unhealthy" part of their attachment.
Respect her and appreciate her as a person for things she deserves and don't let the insecurity that is caused by your H by his attachment to his mother, cloud your reciprocation to genuine gestures/emotions from her.
- Keep your expectations zero when it comes to emotional availability. He will be emotionally unavailable. Begin from there and see what you can do to stay sane.
- Have a friend, a loved one with whom you can share your pain. confide in them, take help. It's OK.
- Take a break once in while. Go somewhere without your H to breathe, reset & refuel. Comeback and restart!
- You have to keep yourself engaged with other things in life which give your fulfilment, joy and meaning. Just make your marriage, Your H and his mother a "part" of your life. It's just a part not life.
Think from the point of view from the guys side also.
One side its his ageing mother / father who has brought him up from an infant to this day and other side is his wife (better half) with whom he has decided to build his future.
If you have any concerns you should first discuss it with hubby and plan out a way to discuss it with inlaws also give him some time to analyse things.
In case if he is unable to resolve it you can set up a discussion with your inlaws along with your husband and share your concerns or problems.