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What kind of hubby is this????

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sridivya, Jan 12, 2010.

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  1. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    I am new to this site and have been reading some of the issues in this forum.
    Mine seems to be a different one. I don't know if anything like this was earlier discussed.Please read on. It is long but I wanted to post in detail for you to have better insight.
    I have been married for 10yrs now and have 2 kids. Since the day 1 of our marriage I am the one who seems to take any decisions related to any matter.
    I am not complaining. I love dh and he too loves me....I know!

    I used to work initially for some time before and after marriage but right now I stay home.

    Daily life: Wake up in the morning, make breakfast,pack lunches (lunch made previous night),get kids ready and dh drops them off at school and goes to work. He returns home in the evening,watches TV for sometime,reads, when weather is good goes for walks, dinner,sleeps.
    Once kids and dh leave in the morning , I go for walk,finish my daily routine chores, pay bills if any, do shopping if needed, laundry,vacuuming & cleaning ,cook dinner in the afternoon itself because once the kids come I have no time at all. Give them shower, then snack, I sit with them for homework, take them for kids activities if any that day, dinner around 6:30-7:00pm, put kids to bed, cook next days lunch, clean kitchen, load dishwasher, sleep. His opinion about parenting is what ever is my opinion. He does not have a separate opinion or his way of dealing with kids. He will try to talk and see otherwise call me.

    In the evenings dh talks about his office/work , kids about school etc. Now, sometimes I feel other than earning money dh does not do anything at all.
    Things like what to do for vacation, where to go etc all I have to do. I have to plan, book tickets etc.
    Even deciding whether to have pot-luck,party or where to have kids birthday party everything is my decision. How to make sure we get less electricity bill, how to reduce expenditure on groceries, clothes, everything I mean everything is on me.
    Even once while talking to his mom (MIL) she asked him what we were planning to do for our wedding anniversary and he was like " I have to ask Sri, what she has planned".:bonk
    I mean doesn't it sound to anyone like I am dominating and controlling everything in his life.
    One time dh's friend asked him if he was interested in cruise and dh was like I will ask my wife and let you know if we will join you.
    There are numerous such incidents. One time someone asked him how much we pay rent and he called me immediately and asked " Can you tell him what is our rent"?
    Sometimes friend's hubbies call me to ask about change in the medical insurance and what we are taking and why that is good etc. I mean they also know dh does not know much about these things. They directly ask for me even if dh picks up the phone.

    One time I decided I need to ask him to take some initiative and asked him to plan a vacation. His answer after some days was "OK I have planned everything for the holidays, We will eat out every evening and during the day time we will watch movies. I will rent them online and we will have 2 movies per day". I was like.......:rant

    All in all, he is a big 0 when it comes to household expenditure, schools,kids activities, their grades, parenting and everything you can think of possibly.
    The only thing he can do well is makes tea for me when I have a headache.
    Over so many years I have really not given a thought but then think sometimes what others will think about me especially inlaws. What does all this sound and appear to you like? What kind of hubby is this???



    Sri
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    He is just a:rotfl perfect husband :)
     
  3. radsahana

    radsahana Silver IL'ite

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    hi srividya

    When i finished reading your thread, i can 95% identify with you. Whatever you wrote, my life is exactly same upto 95%. But i am married for 7 years. :). Even i was working, earlier, then now a full time homemaker
    have 2 kids, my routine is same as yours.

    Regarding planning vacation, i have to give some credit to my DH. Yes he plans and decides like where and when we can go somewhere.

    Otherwise regarding all other things, u said, grocery, rents, plan to reduce expenses etc............... i have to think. Even my DH will say let me check with me before agreeing to some plan with his friends. (sometime even i feel what his friends will think of me etcc..)But i think this is their way of showing respect to our likes and wishes.


    Lot of us are sailing in same boat here, i am sure most of friends in indusladies agreees with us.


    nothing wrong with ur husband.Basically he is used to you taking care of things all the time. Maybe before marriage, someone from his family must be deciding for him and taking decisions.

    What you can do is involve him in all decisions. Say you want his opinion.
    Sometime let him take decisions. Even if it is not right from your point of view go ahead with it. Gradually involve him in all the matters, by persuading him or prompting him to give his opinion. Say you value his opinion.

    And dont worry about others thinks like inlaws, since whatever you do on your own, or if your DH decided, they are going to think that it is your decision only. So let them think whatever they want. It is your family, your kids.
     
  4. lavii

    lavii Gold IL'ite

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    trust me 99% women likes such husband:thumbsup
    ofcourse otherperson involvment is needed but in todays world i dono if anyone can give liberty of decision making like your dh is doing
     
  5. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey Srividya,

    As long as you are able to do things without stress, it is fine. I do not think there is anything to worry. If you feel stressed out doing all this, you must talk to him and ask him to share some of the work you do.

    Another thing I would say is you need not worry what the world thinks about you - like you are dominating or something like that. If you both are happy, that is fine.
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Is this statement coming from your inner conscious??? i.e are you feeling that you are not letting him do anything/take decisions???

    If you had asked him and gave him chances to take initiatives and involve in day to day activities and he feels you are the better person to take care of it, then why not??? why do you have to feel guilty about it?

    Ask yourself what is bothering you?? is it that he is not taking initiative or is it that you look like a dominating woman to outside world (that too because infront of everyone he keeps saying let me ask my wife:) as if you are the principal of the school and he is a student:rotfl)

    Might be all this while someone managed things for him, or he feels he wants to respect his wife and thinks let her be the home minister and handle the affairs of the home.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
  7. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Thanks Priya, radsahana,vimala,lavii and srividya.

    It is not that I am tired or exhausted. I have no problem at all and as I said earlier I am not complaining. Even when we were as young as around 15-16yrs my dad used to ask us to learn how a household is managed and would let us into taking simple decisions like what TV to buy and how much it costs etc in those days. We siblings went to couple of showrooms and enquired about prices and the size and did that little research as there were no computers. Then dad and mom would sit with all of us and decide on what to go for. Mom used to show us the grocery bills and other utility bills and would teach us how to cut some costs.
    I think that got ingrained in us and so after marriage it was not tough for me to handle household.

    Some of my friends say "how lucky you are?your hubby lets you take care of the whole thing without interfering"? But, at the same time I hear them telling so and so is totally henpecked, he does not have a say in anything.
    After marriage she is the one who handles everything.
    So, that kind of confuses me and makes me wonder what they might be thinking of me.
    Will they think he is also henpecked? Inlaws already think so. If anything goes wrong in any plans inlaws say oh! he does not know anything about this, it is she who handles, so don't blame him.


    Sridivya
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
  8. vimala1957

    vimala1957 Bronze IL'ite

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    I would only repeat- do not bother what the world thinks as long as you have no problems.
     
  9. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Sri,

    In a Marriage, the couple are not alike.. :) One is better in some things and the other outsmarts in the rest. That is the way it is..

    He earns and you can never get into his shoes.. I dont mean the money part but the proffessional part. What he does, he is unique at.

    You can never be him and so cant he be you !!

    You said it wrong.. it isnt that all he does is earn.. He also, handles peace and harmony at home not throwing tantrums about him being the only one who gets the green bucks home, isnt ?

    Probably had you been working too, he would have shared many thngs that you did. Why dont you try going for a job if your kids are aged enough to handle themselves. Divide the routine equally amongst the both of you.

    Even, now you relax at home on the weekends somtimes and take turns in taking the kids for activities.. But, am sure, the both of you want to be a part of certain activities.. Just go only for them.

    I can relate well to you, because am almost like this in my house. Though I dont bother about the utilities and expenses etc. my hubby needs me in every other thing that requires a decision including utility related.

    For ex. if friends plan a movie for the weekend, hubbypie decides to check with wifey before nodding head. Though he knows we are absolutely jobless on the weekend and that movie was on our minds too since quite sometime. On the contrary, I dont call him to nod for a party or movie unless he has hinted me about some other plans. I say a ok.. usually there wouldnt be a cancelation but, something comes up, we call and say sorry. Now, does these things make me dominant ? Or him more submissive ? NO :) That is the way he is and so am I.. We dont change for each others' sake unless the other one is deeply hurt by our behaviour and we know it is wrong too.. So, no harm. I plan the holidays too. He does somtimes as well. There are long weekends where we have sat and watched movies over movies without stepping out of the house.. That sometimes thrills him.. it doesnt matter as far as you enjoy what you doing.

    Maybe the time he planned for a movie etc. you could have said alright. It doesnt mean that everytime a ' vacation ' is to go out.. it can also be a time to relax. Had you given in one time, he would have come around the way you do, the next time. Simple.

    Dont get too frustrated about normalcy. it a'int true that a wife needs to be the one who cooks and keeps house and the hubby is the one to earn and make decisions..

    If a man can keep house and cook, so can a woman make decisions. Nothing hideous about it. :) You are nothing out of the normal.

    You can let go of few decision making, but you wouldnt like it eventually because his way of thinking and yours are different. Just because he doesnt plan and do things the way you do / think, doesnt make him any submissive. He simply is believing in you and trusting your decision making... which you dont. It isnt wrong. That is the way we are. So, let go off my-way-or-no-way if you really want to encourage him to be more involved.

    Forgetting the rent amount and all those little things which they can afford to remember, is simply pampering. Men love to be pampered too.. So, if he does ' depend ' on you on many silly things, just go with it and show your support. Afterall he supports you as well through actions day in and day out, isnt ? :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
  10. sridivya

    sridivya New IL'ite

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    Thanks Vimala. Yeah, I understand ,if I don't bother about what others think then only it will be good for my family and me.
    I need to do that. I wanted to know what our ILites think about my situation.

    Thanks Preethi. I have read your responses to other thread too and I always liked your attitude.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2010
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