What Kind Of Cheating It Is...

Ya, i can understand how it felt to her when she saw the "sexting". It will be very hard on her to go through all this.

 

I am going ot take the other way and say that your friend is absolutely right.

I mean for a person who was in a cloud 9 thinking he was the best husband any girl could have got, what he did was very awful IMHO. Doesn't 14 years of being together mean something to him to share about his past crushes. Or let his wife know that the person who reached out to him recently was a crush of his in the past during school days?

No. He didnt do that. And additionally, he went ahead and didnt even stop her when the line was being crossed. Just because he was quiet, does that mean it is ok? What if, the lady per chance came to the country that this guy is in. Will the lines be intact then? These guys are already in the stage of sexting. I am sorry to say, i am not sure this guy has the right sense of right and wrong.

This is another nonsensical excuse. Is being silent equal to saying NO? He is reluctant to say no to her which means he still feels something for her or enjoys being in the state that he is in 'being adored by his childhood crush'.

And what is this thing of being lonely. I mean all of us get lonely at some point of time or another. So do we reach out ot our past crushes to talk to them? What happened to his wife? Why couldnt he reach out ot his wife instead? Or go out with his guy buddies? Or talk to his children or lets say even if he ended up talking to this crush of his, why did he have to hide it from her or why couldnt he be open with his wife about tlaking to his crush?

I absolutely don't buy this act of his. So he is stoping everytime an ultimatum comes up and when he feels safe enough, he tries to talk to her again OR even if he is not initiating the conversation, he doesnt end it.

@mahathibhaskar I am very sorry your friend is going through this.

IMO, if that guy was as good as he was supposed to be, he should have atleast looped in his wife while trying to talk to his friends or crushes from the past. My husband also gets calls from his friends from school days. And he tells me about them. Actually we have a discussion about every friend of his be it a guy or a girl. He tells me how they were when he last met them around 20 years ago. And even after all this, if i feel uncomfortable, i still tell my husband.

For intance, there is a person X (my H's ex) who he had a video call with also. But when this was done, i had no issues because, by then i knew who she was, what she was, where she was living, who her husband was. I knew the entire story and though i didnt barge in and all, i could hear the conversation in bits and pieces form the other room. Both of them were happy to talk to each other and they were inclusive as in inquiring about the other's partners and family.

Now, there is a person Y. This person Y is a lady friend from past. Not an ex. I stil dont feel confortable he talking normally over phone call also. The reason is she is not very inclusive. She calls at randomly odd times. She is married with kids and all but there is a time within which you are supposed to call a married guy. Even if by chance, he doesnt pick her call she keeps on calling. After talking about this weird behaviour of hers and how it made me uncomfortable, my husband understood it and acted accordingly.

The point i was tyring to make is, be it a crush or a friend, honesty is very important. The gyu should have ideally been honest about his crushes/ friends and been open about talking to them. He being secretive about all this is raising many red flags for me personally.

I was in a similar mind state of your friend earlier some years ago. But when i went into that mode my husband sat me down and explained me how they are just that exes and just friends and that his world now revolves around me and our kids. That helped calm me down. I am now ok with he talking. And also he makes a point to tell me things even now. And i also tell him about how i feel about those people.

As an outsider, we might feel that a movie like 96 was superb. But in reality, if such a situation were to happen, it would prove to show that one of them is not entirely happy with the marriage. And their heart doesnt fully belong to their better half.

And another thing is i know you are trying to halp and pacify your friend to make her believe that her husband s good. Actually this pacification should come from him. He should be the one to talk to her and tell her that their marriage is very important to him. And should try and be man enough to stop chatting with that lady.

And your friend is absoutely right in her actions. Try and get her to talk to her husband even if he doesnt want to talk about anything. Instead of yelling or fighting, a good way would be start the conversation saying how much the marriage means to her and how she feels about him and then gradually getting him to open up. Instead of giving ultimatums, she should start working on creating an atmosphere where he is comfortable sharing things with her. As in be open enough to talk about the past crushes and friends. Actually she can begin here and get to know about his hidden past (in case it is still hidden).

As far as i know, ultimatums only work for so long. After a point of time, they jsut begin to lose weight and he would eventually realise that she wouldnt leave him or at some point, he might be ok with her ultimatum and ask her to leave also. You never know.

Please know that not everyone has the maturity to ignore things like these and move forward. Some of us are emotionally more dependant of our husbands which make us behave like this. Give her the strength to move forward and face this. Tell her that she has your support no matter what. This would make her strong. Ask her to first calm down enough to talk calmly and rationaly to him about these issues.

 

Did I miss this part?
Sexting? what exactly was it?
Was he sexting with his crush?
See... this is a very subjective line

For some people, a complement like "you look young, you look fantastic in this attire" amount to sexting.
For others, it remains as a complement only. It is all about how you take it.

Let me tell you why?
It is impossible to convince an insecure wife, who doesn't trust her husband.
It is more about her upbringing, her past experiences etc than her husband's behavior.
Therefore, it is wise not to hit the volcano by digging through the past until it is necessary.

One of my female friend had a past love affair in school, and it was a long lost story after our school days.
Both are now married to different people, and settled in different countries with kids & other responsibilities.
A few years back, we had a School reunion, and both of them met each other at that reunion. There was no emotions left between the two, as they have taken everything lightly and they appeared very normal among the team.

Followed by the reunion, we started a whatsapp group and discussions continued.
My friend, while discussing this with her H, casually mentioned to her H about her past puppy love. That was it. The man got suspicious and their life turned sour with his suspicious behavior.
In fact, I got reminded of this fellow while reading your friends' post.

I can understand my friend as to why she kept her past a secret with her H despite of marrying to him for the past 15 years or so. Because, she knew his insecurities and she doesn't wanna feed to his insecurities by discussing something not important in their lives.
Their life was supper smooth before this incident.

 

From what i gathered from @mahathibhaskar 's post, her friend and her husband were living a happy life and things were fine. In such scenarios, there is absolutely no need to dig into the past or discuss about it.

But the husband has now opened up the pandora's box by texting, sexting, watsapping to this crush of his and hiding all this from his wife. The way i see it, he seems to have pushed her into this state. So then, i feel it is up to him to open up a bit to calm her down.

Doesnt she deserve that amount of honesty from him after what he did? Regardless of what went through between the husband and his crush, it came to such level where the wife got angry.

I just have 1 rule when it comes to the content of texting - would my content of the text remain the same irrespestive of whether my husband is around me or not, then it is fine. IF i feel, i would alter my message when my husband is present, then introspection should be done on whether that message should be sent or if i sent it, i should be strong and bold enough to tell the same to my husband if and when the need arises.

There might situations which might seem normal to an outsider but a wife alone would know and would always pick up certain things when the husband acts a it different.

When 2 people are entering into a marriage, i would never expect them to be 100% open to each other. Not necessary and also, it absolutely depends on the couple.

However, when 1 person in the couple breaks that bond of trust, then i feel until that person convinces the other that he/ she is completely into this marriage, it is not easy to accept it.

 

It completely depends on who the wife/husband in question.

Luckily me and my H do not have such issues; hence our mobile phones are not PW protected. At times we end up using PW patters to protect the phones from the kids, but we have always been open and eventually everyone in the family knows everyone's PWs.
Because, we are comfortable with each other to discuss & accept certain matters, including meeting ex, chatting/following ex in FB etc..
We have reached to a mental mature stage, where such insecurities have no place in our marriage.

But, I do have friends (both males & females) who hide certain things with their spouses. Knowing their spouse's possessiveness, insecurity, immaturity etc..etc.. they always take extra caution to make sure their otherwise happy marriage life is not disrupted.
Having many many discussions with such people in my life, I can very well understand their agony.

I can tell you one simple example:

One of my female friend has a very decent marriage with her spouse & it was an arranged marriage of 15 years.
Her H is very possessive of her. Feeding to his insecurities positively was helping her to live in this marriage so happily.
He expects her to disclose everything, including her chat history, talks with friends, etc..etc... I mean 100% open with spouse.
She would voluntarily do that all the time to be able to win his trust, and enjoy the fruit of it later.
They were the ideal couple, until one day my friend chose to not to disclose an incident, fearing what would her H think.
It happened during our college reunion recently, where she met with her School crush after 2 decades.
Both are married, with kids and settled in different countries. They don't even have any emotions left, except for the fact that we friends pass hints & comments jokingly about their puppy love that time.
She was unable to share this with her H, though for me it wasn't even a puppy love.

But this woman do contact him via whatsapp, and feels immensely happy (like anyone else) to be connected with her friend of school time.

She could have easily avoided talking to him, knowing her H's insecurities and all that.
But, I feel it is unfair that she & many others are deprived of these simple happiness in life, just because their spouses have small minds.

I remember having a huge fight with my boy friend (husband) several years back when I knew he was in contact with his ex. I could not tolerate that, and felt as if my life was falling apart.
Today, I am in touch with her more than my H, and I see no problems if/when they talk.
I believe, it is called maturity & trust in a marriage

PS: According to OP, the man isn't sexting. He isn't participating in any of the "wrong" conversations, but just did not stop the other woman when she is sexting.
Again, sexting is a subjective matter. Until the OP reveals, we don't know what is amount to sexting here.