1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

What Kind Of Cheating It Is...

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by mahathibhaskar, Apr 2, 2022.

  1. mahathibhaskar

    mahathibhaskar Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    My friend's husband is a good guy. According to her he is the best person that any woman would ask for. They both complement and complete each other. Literally we can see it. They are married for 14 years and have two kids. So far everything is more then good between them. But sometime in two to three years back she saw the whatsapp chat of him talking to one of his school mate. he supposedly had a crush on her back in school and she moved to a different place then. Now, They met through a common freinds group on whats app. So my friend saw a chat in where this lady, Being a school princial(I dont know is this detail is relevent here to mention...but i just said) now, poetically describing the urge to be with him (you can say kind of sexting from her side.). But this guy was not repling...he was silent through out the chat. Obviously my friend was furious and blasted him and asked him whats happening. He said that when my friend was at her mothers house for 15 days....he actually felt lonely as there was nobody to talk ....so they started talking.....and he is not replying to her ....but listening all that she is blaberring.(Indirects he might have enjoying the chat .....imagining...but not chatting or saying anything it seems). My friend gave the ultimatum and he immediately blocked her....and promised her that it would not repeat no matter what .....since he was alone he did that blah blah blah.....she being very naive, forgave him and everything is back to normal.

    Now after again last week she saw that lady chatting to him in whats app again with a different number. on asking he is saying that they are talking casually. nothing to worry...but now she gave ultimatum that she will leave him if she ever see him talking with her again. he again blocked gthat number. and said he will never do that ...she is worrying unnecesaryly..as they both are in different countries and talking casually.but now my friend becoming very suspicious of him...she randomly checking his whatsapp and phone without his knowledge....she has this rational fear that he might repeat it....she even said that to her husband...now he is saying that it will never happen but she doesn't believe him...and is in constant suspicion.

    how can i calm her?? sorry for so many spelling mistakes and grammatical mistakes....iam typing from a almost broken laptop....

    why some men
     
    Loading...

  2. rosequeen

    rosequeen Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    212
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Things are clearly not heading in the right direction here. Your friends husband has made two mistakes 1) First time he made contact with his school mate he should have told his wife as a matter of courtesy. 2) He repeated the behavior two times despite ultimatum. There could be several reasons for this behavior, he may be really feeling lonely, he may still like his classmate, he may think its not a big deal to just chat, having secret conversation may boost his ego etc. None of these are reasons to escalate conflict and threaten to leave, so didn't like the ultimatum behavior from your friend, she should have told him seriously that secret chat hurt her and should have reminded him of their marriage and kids, and then playfully ask to share detail next time. Its important for the husband to feel comfortable sharing details about other women, else he will likely repeat in secret and things will go out of control
     
  3. radhe001

    radhe001 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I am just trying to say as per humans nature in general. I understand your friend is hurt with his actions. But truth is if a guy wants to some thing (chat) he will. If not in her awareness he will hide and do things. Its hard to stop or control some ones actions may it be spouse. If she accepts what he is doing, he will share with her and may be eventually he will stop. If she gives more power to that matter and keep suspecting him. He will start to find ways to keep doing it. Instead of focusing on that other (friendship) it may help if she focuses on her time/bonding/intimacy with her dh. Nothing will continue for long unless its a strong (bond) between other two. I am thinking it will be short lived and he will/or may eventually stop.
     
    mahathibhaskar likes this.
  4. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    265
    Likes Received:
    392
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    I was in this situation .one girl(unmarried) from my H side was on chatting spree...my H used to ignore but her messages like " dreaming about me "? Used to make me sleepless...I asked my H about this several times but each time he used to tell that as long as he is not replying I shouldn't be worrying.
    10 years went like this and I saw highly irritating and disturbing message from her and this time I replied to her asking to back off ..her true colors revealed and she sent very disrespectful messages.. my H again was silent but I brought the roof down..involved my brother in law and her parents and the romantic messages from her stopped forever and blocked her in social media too..She is from my MIL side and she too cut off the ties with this girl.

    If you are disturbed with these messages ,please have an open conversation with your H and tell him to address the insecurities your have and also protect the family peace.
     
    mahathibhaskar and anika987 like this.
  5. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,994
    Likes Received:
    3,657
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    By telling her what you told us here. That he is a good guy. And that…
    Look if the guy wants to stray no one can stop him. I think this is more of an issue of trust between the husband and wife. If they are in separate countries and he is not responding to her texts then she should trust him when he says nothing is going on.
    I feel the wife is suffering a crisis of confidence in the marriage. She should openly explain to him what she’s going through. And ask him what he can do to restore her confidence in him. (maybe give counter example of herself exchanging texts and ask if he’s ok with it and find other ways to explain her insecurities so he understands that)
     
    Ruby2019 likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,629
    Likes Received:
    10,934
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    We were in awe when Trisha met her school crush in 96 movie, and spent a lovely night with him.
    But we can't stand this truth if that happens in our house.

    We need to grow up and be able to trust our spouses.

    No one will resist if they meet their school crush again. They will go back to those care-free school days for sometimes, and enjoy the reunion.
    This is not cheating. This will not make them stray away :)

    This phase will also pass.... They will come back to the real life and settle.
    This is life.

    Ask your friend to chill..... She has already warned him twice.
    He knows, and he will come back.
    If he suffers from low confidence in this marriage, that's another issue.
    She needs to sit with her husband, and work on that matter separately.
     
  7. radhe001

    radhe001 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    96 movie...when you brought this up it made me smile....marriage won't guarantee "love"..love is a state of being which naturally arises with in...and love should give freedom or its not love. And I strongly belive its rare that a marriage holds "unconditional love"......marriage is a need, dependency. Its a cohabitation and filled with expectations. Need for finances, need for physical intimacy, need for security so on. Here spouse thinks he or she owns the partner. They expect them to behave feeding there insecurities. What is the problem if spouse goes and spend some time with his childhood friend/crush? He is not getting physical and us in his limits. He is spending some time because he feels like spending. Marriage seems like a life time handing over once life to so called spouse.
     
    mahathibhaskar likes this.
  8. mahathibhaskar

    mahathibhaskar Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    He said that he was just wondering how is she is happy in her life or not...there are some issues in her life with the husband it seems and she is sharing them with my friends hus it seems....but the sexting part is the thing driving her crazy......but she need to calm down on this but its making her anxious...
     
    anika987 likes this.
  9. mahathibhaskar

    mahathibhaskar Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    she was really surprised by his behaviour as he never anticipated such thing...so she is really acting crazy ....i advised her to stop being anxious and she should be raitonal while dealing with him and the situation.
     
  10. mahathibhaskar

    mahathibhaskar Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    19
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    We didnt even thought about this movie till now in any of this discussion....but thanks for the advise.
     

Share This Page