What Is Your Take On The Issue Of Leaving Elderly Parents In Old Age Homes?

SGBV · Nov 4, 2016

@coolgal123 and @Lakshmi6197

I can so very well empathize with both of you. I can recall the most unstable, rather vulnerable days of my life where I lived in fear.
While accepting your personal tragedy, I find it difficult to respond to your posts, as they seem self contradictory.
One hand you both say it is OK or rather acceptable if elders are send to old age homes as a result of their past abusive behavior with their DILs. You call it as "they reap what they sow". You say that you would not judge the son or DIL in that matters, as you know what it means.
On the other hand, you say you would not personally do that to your PILs, even though they were evil to you. You apparently keep all the grudges and remember the past wounds so well. You feel your PILs don't deserve your home, but then you wouldn't send them to the old age homes either. Why???
If you say that you would actually want to send your PILs to old age homes as they abused you, but you are forced to keep them in your home in the future by your husband, relatives/society then that makes sense.
But you say that you are raised with good morals, which won't let you chase the elders out of the house. By this statement, I think we both think alike.
If we think it is "bad moral" to chase elders out of our homes for whatever the reason, then that is what the point of this thread.
Perhaps, we both, and almost all of us are raised in the same culture which says it is bad moral. Then why argue otherwise?

In one hand you say you would not judge the people who send elders to old age homes against their wish. We have talked about the exceptional cases here. The point was all about the children who chase their invalid parents for money,selfishness, and greediness after exploiting their wealth.
According to my recent visit to an old age home (That's the motive behind this thread), I noticed many of the elders were chased out of their home for the above reasons only. Many posters here have agreed to that.
However, you wouldn't want to judge these evil children even.
On the other hand, you keep on judging your SIL, BIL and others in your husband's family for the same.
All your posts say repeatedly how bad they were to be careless about their own parents, their in laws and all. We read you!!!

That's why both of your posts were more of self venting and ranting about your own personal issues, rather than a general discussion on this particular topic.
While fully empathizing with your problems, I can't accept the diversion of this thread. Let's stick to the topic.

@coolgal123
I read somewhere last night that you judged my eligibility to start this thread or even preach elder's protection in general. Not sure whether you have deleted that post or not.

According to you, I am eligible to speak anything about elder's right if only I am living with PILs. If not my talks will have to be considered just preachy.. That too you compared me to your SILs who just preach but never practice what they preached.

I felt sad reading at that. Not because of the accusation. But because of your childish innocence on these matters. You really need to grow up.

Listen.. I am an Human rights activist, in particular I work for the women. Precisely the women who are affected by Sexual and Gender Based Violence. (Now you know why I chose SGBV as my ID here).
It is my passion, it is my identity... and I am a well known activist and I am very much accepted for my work in my country.
But according to your logic, I think I am not eligible to talk anything of the above, since I am not a rape victim myself.
But you know, I've researched this, and did a masters in Human rights, and conducted more than 1000 awareness raising on this very particular topic. My country thinks I am qualified, and my personal history is not relevant for my eligibility here.
For your info... Almost all (I mean majority) of the activist and officers who speak about rights are not victims, but they can empathize with the victims.

So, I rule out your accusation about my eligibility to start this thread.

Even though, for your info... I lived with my in laws previously. Faced my share of problems. I started to live separately, and faced the problems that could come remotely. And then I worked on my marriage, applied self protection. Won my husband's love and he became my protection since then. Now that I am working on my relationship with my PILs, and it has become 75% all right. So, I am looking forward to the positive sides as and when I am required to look after them in the future.
More so, I am taking care of my own mom in my own house now.

I repeatedly said it is the responsibility of the children, and not the SNILs or DILs. So, why on earth the SNIL and DILs have to feel guilt or responsible for this.
Just that SNIL and DILs are require to support their spouses to do their responsibilities towards their own parents. This is just a basic human nature. Nothing noble, so there is no need to feel superior about it. So, don't think I am talking out of superiority.
If you think so, you would unnecessarily feel inferior; hence these kind of accusations against me.

PS: This thread is general... Just because some of your SILs or BILs have used the same wording as me in your personal life to make you feel guilt of your own deeds, doesn't mean I echo their minds. I am no way connected to them.
I hear your frustrations of hearing the same preach all over again. But the spirit is different here.
Just leave your own burden for a while when responding to public threads. JMO

Lakshmi6197 · Nov 4, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

@coolgal123 and @Lakshmi6197

I can so very well empathize with both of you. I can recall the most unstable, rather vulnerable days of my life where I lived in fear.
While accepting your personal tragedy, I find it difficult to respond to your posts, as they seem self contradictory.
One hand you both say it is OK or rather acceptable if elders are send to old age homes as a result of their past abusive behavior with their DILs. You call it as "they reap what they sow". You say that you would not judge the son or DIL in that matters, as you know what it means.
On the other hand, you say you would not personally do that to your PILs, even though they were evil to you. You apparently keep all the grudges and remember the past wounds so well. You feel your PILs don't deserve your home, but then you wouldn't send them to the old age homes either. Why???
If you say that you would actually want to send your PILs to old age homes as they abused you, but you are forced to keep them in your home in the future by your husband, relatives/society then that makes sense.
But you say that you are raised with good morals, which won't let you chase the elders out of the house. By this statement, I think we both think alike.
If we think it is "bad moral" to chase elders out of our homes for whatever the reason, then that is what the point of this thread.
Perhaps, we both, and almost all of us are raised in the same culture which says it is bad moral. Then why argue otherwise?

In one hand you say you would not judge the people who send elders to old age homes against their wish. We have talked about the exceptional cases here. The point was all about the children who chase their invalid parents for money,selfishness, and greediness after exploiting their wealth.
According to my recent visit to an old age home (That's the motive behind this thread), I noticed many of the elders were chased out of their home for the above reasons only. Many posters here have agreed to that.
However, you wouldn't want to judge these evil children even.
On the other hand, you keep on judging your SIL, BIL and others in your husband's family for the same.
All your posts say repeatedly how bad they were to be careless about their own parents, their in laws and all. We read you!!!

That's why both of your posts were more of self venting and ranting about your own personal issues, rather than a general discussion on this particular topic.
While fully empathizing with your problems, I can't accept the diversion of this thread. Let's stick to the topic.

@coolgal123
I read somewhere last night that you judged my eligibility to start this thread or even preach elder's protection in general. Not sure whether you have deleted that post or not.

According to you, I am eligible to speak anything about elder's right if only I am living with PILs. If not my talks will have to be considered just preachy.. That too you compared me to your SILs who just preach but never practice what they preached.

I felt sad reading at that. Not because of the accusation. But because of your childish innocence on these matters. You really need to grow up.

Listen.. I am an Human rights activist, in particular I work for the women. Precisely the women who are affected by Sexual and Gender Based Violence. (Now you know why I chose SGBV as my ID here).
It is my passion, it is my identity... and I am a well known activist and I am very much accepted for my work in my country.
But according to your logic, I think I am not eligible to talk anything of the above, since I am not a rape victim myself.
But you know, I've researched this, and did a masters in Human rights, and conducted more than 1000 awareness raising on this very particular topic. My country thinks I am qualified, and my personal history is not relevant for my eligibility here.
For your info... Almost all (I mean majority) of the activist and officers who speak about rights are not victims, but they can empathize with the victims.

So, I rule out your accusation about my eligibility to start this thread.

Even though, for your info... I lived with my in laws previously. Faced my share of problems. I started to live separately, and faced the problems that could come remotely. And then I worked on my marriage, applied self protection. Won my husband's love and he became my protection since then. Now that I am working on my relationship with my PILs, and it has become 75% all right. So, I am looking forward to the positive sides as and when I am required to look after them in the future.
More so, I am taking care of my own mom in my own house now.

I repeatedly said it is the responsibility of the children, and not the SNILs or DILs. So, why on earth the SNIL and DILs have to feel guilt or responsible for this.
Just that SNIL and DILs are require to support their spouses to do their responsibilities towards their own parents. This is just a basic human nature. Nothing noble, so there is no need to feel superior about it. So, don't think I am talking out of superiority.
If you think so, you would unnecessarily feel inferior; hence these kind of accusations against me.

PS: This thread is general... Just because some of your SILs or BILs have used the same wording as me in your personal life to make you feel guilt of your own deeds, doesn't mean I echo their minds. I am no way connected to them.
I hear your frustrations of hearing the same preach all over again. But the spirit is different here.
Just leave your own burden for a while when responding to public threads. JMO
Click to expand...

@SGBV I think we are mixing up issues here. let us take them one by one.

1. A-husband
B-wife
C-b's brother's wife
D-C's brother
E-B's mother
A on 3-4 occasions (all the time they ever met) tells D that it is not good that his widowed mother lives alone and that he should get his mother to live with him. it pointed out that mother lives alone by her own choice and is taken care of by a daughter who lives nearby. even after that A, B & E tell C multiple times that she should talk to her brother D to take his mother with him as it is sons responsibilty to take care of mother and not daughters.

Will C have any respect for A, B & E?

C vents on a public forum that A & B keep telling me that sons should live with their parents when they themselves dont. C also mentions that she takes responsibility of her MIL and wonders what right have A & B to give her repeated gyaan. posters say that C is judging A & B and doesnt respect A & B. please tell me what A & B have done to be given unilateral respect?

@armummy who is disrespecting whom?

SGBV · Nov 4, 2016

@Lakshmi6197

If the poster is A, B or E, probably C is right. Because C is aware of their hidden agenda.

If the poster is some one called X, and that X is doing her job perfectly and genuinely advocating for the rights of elders, C is very very very wrong to judge X because she has some bad relatives called A, B and E.

If C has problems with A. B and E she should sort up with them in private. If that is impossible she could start a new thread in public about her personal problem. That's why @armummy has explicitly said you should start a thread in in laws' forum and seek poster's advice on your personal problem, instead of judging the OP here in this general thread.

I repeat, I empathize with C, and her trouble on hearing the repeated preaching from her relatives on this matter. If it is getting boring, C could have stayed away from visiting this thread too. But she has no right to judge X, who has by no means connected to A, B and E relatives or their motives, but has genuine interest on this thread content.

Just because A, B and E are bad, doesn't mean whoever speak this subject is BAD. There is no logic behind it.

Try to re visit this thread and the posts as a neutral person with no baggage from your SILs.
It appears you read/see me as your SIL hence you reject whatever I say here for the sake of rejecting.
You argue on every single thing i chose to say; hence miss the logic. You see, your posts are contradicting.
Each time you bring your own family issue here; thus you refuse to see this problem in a bigger picture.
Precisely you did not answer my question about the children who chase their invalid parents out of their homes for money, selfish and for greediness. Even though I have mentioned "this" as the prime reason among others, as a finding in my recent research in the old age homes, you overlooked that and repeatedly talked about DIL vs MIL problems.

That is why this thread got diverted.

Lakshmi6197 · Nov 4, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

@Lakshmi6197

If the poster is A, B or E, probably C is right. Because C is aware of their hidden agenda.

If the poster is some one called X, and that X is doing her job perfectly and genuinely advocating for the rights of elders, C is very very very wrong to judge X because she has some bad relatives called A, B and E.

If C has problems with A. B and E she should sort up with them in private. If that is impossible she could start a new thread in public about her personal problem. That's why @armummy has explicitly said you should start a thread in in laws' forum and seek poster's advice on your personal problem, instead of judging the OP here in this general thread.

I repeat, I empathize with C, and her trouble on hearing the repeated preaching from her relatives on this matter. If it is getting boring, C could have stayed away from visiting this thread too. But she has no right to judge X, who has by no means connected to A, B and E relatives or their motives, but has genuine interest on this thread content.

Just because A, B and E are bad, doesn't mean whoever speak this subject is BAD. There is no logic behind it.
Click to expand...

I mention @armummy because

SGBV said: ↑

@Lakshmi6197

If the poster is A, B or E, probably C is right. Because C is aware of their hidden agenda.

If the poster is some one called X, and that X is doing her job perfectly and genuinely advocating for the rights of elders, C is very very very wrong to judge X because she has some bad relatives called A, B and E.

If C has problems with A. B and E she should sort up with them in private. If that is impossible she could start a new thread in public about her personal problem. That's why @armummy has explicitly said you should start a thread in in laws' forum and seek poster's advice on your personal problem, instead of judging the OP here in this general thread.

I repeat, I empathize with C, and her trouble on hearing the repeated preaching from her relatives on this matter. If it is getting boring, C could have stayed away from visiting this thread too. But she has no right to judge X, who has by no means connected to A, B and E relatives or their motives, but has genuine interest on this thread content.

Just because A, B and E are bad, doesn't mean whoever speak this subject is BAD. There is no logic behind it.
Click to expand...

I mentioned @armummy as s/he had repeatedly asked me that i dont respect some people.

the point where you and i differ is that according to you anybody who sends his/her patents to an old age home is cold hearted with questionable morals.

this is where i mentioned my story is that all kinds of parents also exist in this world. all parents are not the poor, helpless creatures you portray them to be. i have the financial resources to leave my job and stay at home. even though i do it begrudgingly, i dont object to MILs unrealistic expectations. what if i didnt? what would be my choices with financial constraints and in the domestic circumstances i am in? would it not be imperative then to let her stay where we could manage her to be rather than where she wants? my MIL keeps complaining she is still not cared for even when her word was the law in that house. i wonder what else we could do to take care of her. and if she actually goes to an old age home, what stories would she have to tell about us?

if the entire idea of this thread is to establish your views on the subject as the absolute truth with no scope of an alternative reality existing, then its a different matter altogether.

SGBV · Nov 4, 2016

But my response was for both you and @coolgal123, as both of you actively participated in this thread.

coolgal123 · Nov 4, 2016

@SGBV, yes i would not judge those DILs and son who send their ABUSIVE old parents to old age home(which is not like abandoning them on street, which yes i will oppose)....because that is not wrong that is justice. justice is simple, you have to face the consequences of bad deeds you have done. IMO.
I would not send my abusive old in-laws to old age home, as this is my personal take , i would let go of justice for my mental makeup which this society and my family made and in turn that mental make up produces guilt(which you also talked about). But i dont expect this from others, its their choice what they choose, justice or guilt??? and its perfectly right if one choose justice. infact in my views it really difficult to choose justice and easy to choose your guilt.

I hope now you understand the difference in my personal take and my support for DILs who have been abused.
if you still dont, i give up.

Please stop harping on grudge thing....you are not sitting in my mind, stop being the psychiatrist please. and of course i have not forget my past wound, i am sure you havnt too, i can also see recounting you past incident. and nobody will or should. Only fools forget their past wound. Wise learn from them and keep them in mind always.

you are very well eligible to start the thread and express your opinion. But you are not eligible for saying abused DILs as stubborn, revenge taking etc etc, as you still have not kept your MIL with you in her old age...whatever you are talking that just your thought process and assumptions only. so if other see difficulty in that, dont try to make them less moral subtly. As you yourself has not won the fort yet. You think that you can do it, thats very appreciative. even i think so for myself, but i dont discard the possibility of challenges just by assuming that because my inlaws are old hence they will become like sweet granny. They may or they may not.
I have to take care of them in old age as i dont have any other option like you, my husband is only son. thats why i give this matter a serious and practical thought.

Before you raised this thread, even then since months i have been thinking on this line, that how should we go about this. What kind of boundaries and processes should be set to avoid conflict and to make peaceful and harmonious environment. What impact of conflict it can have on kids and how to avoid it as my daughter is growing up. My in-laws may have changed for better or may not. knowing their personality i know latter is true. Now dont compare with your personal case, everybody is different. I dont want to live in lala land as I have to do it in practice, for the discussion sake, these things seems very good, my morals and upbringing are such that i will take care no matter what, while in practice there are lot of challenges living with a abusive person, which is a very relevant topic for elder care, but i understand , you dont have the solution for it, so accept it and leave it at that. Those issues will not go away just by shift+deleting your memories. Your MIL may have changed, other's may not.
While you have started this thread so i was expecting a little bit more understanding of the topic and challenges associated with it, but it looked like to me as if you are just interested in establishing your morals and preaching instead of an open discussion. Thats why it started sounding to me as my SILs.. I may be wrong too as again i am not sitting in your mind.
pardon me if it is offending you, it is my honest opinion.
I am not writing this as I want to prove myself innocent,if i would have care for my image i would not have started writing in the support of DILs. i just want you to come out of your fantasy world, and see this issue from practical point of view , assessing this doesnt mean that you are going to throw them on street, infact it shows you are serious and honest about it. Before marrying, did you thought that you will be trying to commit suicide after 2 years??? if you would have given the thought of challenges of intercaste marriage, you might have better prepared for handling you MILs tantrums and your husband too. Better prepare for yourself for unseen challenges if you seriously thinking of keeping the MIL with you . It may be an easy ride, it may not. dont assume that she will turn into sweet granny, she may or she may not.
good luck.

Laxmikrsnan · Nov 4, 2016

coolgal123 said: ↑

@SGBV, yes i would not judge those DILs and son who send their ABUSIVE old parents to old age home(which is not like abandoning them on street, which yes i will oppose)....because that is not wrong that is justice. justice is simple, you have to face the consequences of bad deeds you have done. IMO.
I would not send my abusive old in-laws to old age home, as this is my personal take , i would let go of justice for the morals which i have got and in turn they produce guilt(which you also talked about). But i dont expect this from others, its their choice what they choose, justice or guilt??? and its perfectly right if one choose justice.

I hope now you understand the difference in my personal take and my support for DILs who have been abused.
if you still dont, i give up.

Please stop harping on grudge thing....you are not sitting in my mind, stop being the psychiatrist please. and of course i have not forget my past wound, i am sure you havnt too, i can also see recounting you past incident. and nobody will or should. Only fools forget their past wound. Wise learn from them and keep them in mind always.

you are very well eligible to start the thread and express your opinion. But you are not eligible for saying abused DILs as stubborn, revenge taking etc etc, as you still have not kept your MIL with you in her old age...whatever you are talking that just your thought process and assumptions only. so if other see difficulty in that, dont try to make them less moral subtly. As you yourself has not won the fort yet. You think that you can do it, thats very appreciative. even i think so for myself, but i dont discard the possibility of challenges just by assuming that because my inlaws are old hence they will become like sweet granny. They may or they may not.
I have to take care of them in old age as i dont have any other option like you, my husband is only son. thats why i give this matter a serious and practical thought.

Before you raised this thread, even then since months i have been thinking on this line, that how should we go about this. What kind of boundaries and processes should be set to avoid conflict and to make peaceful and harmonious environment. What impact of conflict it can have on kids and how to avoid it as my daughter is growing up. My in-laws may have changed for better or may not. knowing their personality i know latter is true. Now dont compare with your personal case, everybody is different. I dont want to live in lala land as I have to do it in practice, for the discussion sake, these things seems very good, my morals and upbringing are such that i will take care no matter what, while in practice there are lot of challenges living with a abusive person, which is a very relevant topic for elder care, but i understand , you dont have the solution for it, so accept it and leave it at that. Those issues will not go away just by shift+deleting your memories. Your MIL may have changed, other's may not.
While you have started this thread so i was expecting a little bit more understanding of the topic and challenges associated with it, but it looked like to me as if you are just interested in establishing your morals and preaching instead of an open discussion. Thats why it started sounding to me as my SILs.. I may be wrong too as again i am not sitting in your mind.
pardon me if it is offending you, it is my honest opinion.
I am not writing this as I want to prove myself innocent,if i would have care for my image i would not have started writing in the support of DILs. i just want you come out to your fantasy world, and see this issue from practical point of view , assessing this doesnt mean that you are going to throw them on street, infact it shows you are serious and honest about it. Before marrying, did you thought that you will be trying to commit suicide after 2 years??? if you would have given the thought of challenges of intercaste marriage, you might have better prepared for handling you MILs tantrums and your husband too. Better prepare for yourself for unseen challenges if you seriously thinking of keeping the MIL with you . It may be an easy ride, it may not. dont assume that she will turn into sweet granny, she may or she may not.
good luck.
Click to expand...

SGBV said: ↑

Hello everyone...

This is a very sensitive topic. I would like to hear from all of you on this matter.
Here, we are discussing about the Indian/subcontinent people, and definitely not about the westerners. Because we share a different value system. Our culture and the life style is very different from theirs.

For ex: My ex colleague's mom became widow at the age of 60, and her children, including my ex colleague were concerned about her loneliness during then. But they could not help, as they had their own families/life, and settled in elsewhere.
But a few months later, she started to live together with her old friend, who was separated. He was 65 then. They lived together, enjoyed their retired life together, and also went on for world trip together. My colleague was relieved hearing this. Then as both of their children encouraged, these older couple got married. Now they are happily living.

I can't expect something similar to happen in my circle. Although a few modern/westernized people could support this idea. But many wouldn't dare to think.
So what is the choice for our older parents?
Should they live all by themselves till death? Wouldn't that be too boring, given the fact that our parents wouldn't have invested on any constructive hobbies like westerners.
Mostly, our parents..specially moms would have lost all the personal life after marriage. They would have invested all their energies, time and what not for the family. So, asking them to have a personal life at this old age is not something practical.

On the other hand, living all by themselves is dangerous. A few months back, I read about a case where an elderly couple died, out of starving since they could no longer make/buy their food, and there was no one to care for them. Despite of them being financially capable, it was very sad to read that these couple were left to die alone.

Living with children has its own special problems. We all know that.
We can't condition, like parents should be decent, polite, diplomatic, adjusting to have a space at their children's homes and life. Each individual is different.

Not every child is an angel. There were rebels, spoiled brats, and what not. But our parents did care for us. They did give us homes, and a respectful childhood.
There were parents who made their children orphans, and left them on the street. These kids ended up living in orphanage homes. But none of us support these parents or their circumstance in which they had to leave their kids.
No matter what, it is the parents' responsibility to give their children a better childhood. It is not a choice.

Then how about going easy on the children who send their elderly parents to the homes? Why bring circumstance and situations to support their decision?
Or Am I missing anything here? Please enlighten me!

No.. I am not talking about DIL's responsibility of taking care of the PILs. I am talking about the children's (Both male and female) responsibility towards their older parents.

What say you ladies????
Click to expand...

Hi SGBV

As you rightly said it is a sensitive topic..

I had personally counselled an old parent to take refuge in old age home... The issue was both her children were living abroad and she was 70+ living all alone in a whopping 2500 sq.ft. apartment. Her paranoia being what would happen if she was found dead one day morning... it went to the extent of she giving spare keys of her apartment to the Association Secretary and also to her kids abroad...

In peculiar cases like this, it is of course quintessential that they be given a safer and secure environ to sleep peacefully

Otherwise, if children are here in the country in the same place, whatever be the issue, it is our bound duty to take care of the aged at our own houses...

Best Regards
Laxmikrsnan
Radheshyam

Lakshmi6197 · Nov 4, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

But my response was for both you and @coolgal123, as both of you actively participated in this thread.
Click to expand...

Noted.

You claim to feel so much for children. so much concern for children. i also mentioned a number of times that my MIL & SIL have been feeding lies to my kid also. my kid cried so much and fought with both of us when she came here. her words were that "you are bad people who left poor, old, sick and lonely grandmother there to come here and enjoy" at 7 she did not know what "poor and lonely" meant, yet created scenes for months that we were bad people.

we tried to reason with her that uncles (BILs) parents also live separately and that its not that we dont care about grandmother. she made us sit and explained:
1. BILs parents are not old wheteas MIL is old. - they are exactly the same age
2. they are not sick, MIL is.- MIL has no health problems. she was complaining of weakness for 1 year, and after the first few months we got all possible tests done and there is nothing wrong with her. doctor suggested she might be depressed and she flew into one kali rage at the insinuation also. she has been perfectly fine for the past couple of years.
3. SIL goes to their town to take care of them. - SIL goes once a couple of years. their city is a 7-8 hour drive with no air connectivity.
4. they come to stay with SIL - they came once a year and since SIL shifted to MILs house they come only for functions.
5. they are a couple so they can take care of each other, who will take care of MIL. - MIL lives with SIL. does not need any special care. SILs MIL is almost 70 and FIL is around 77.

My questions to you-
1. how does a child of 7 know these things? she has met SILs ILs only over formal lunches and has never spoken to them for any appreciable time.
2. she does not know the name of the city SILs ILs live, but knows their domestic arrangements?
3. my MIL & SIL have fed lies to her in the past. this is one incidence which i can recount on an open forum. and hence MIL & SIL & family just get some supervised time with her. no open access as before.
4. you feel so much for the children in the streets. what about children within the 4 walls of the house?
5. what should be a priority for a parent - ensuring his childs emotional needs are met or his parents emotional needs are met?

You and @armummy are very forgiving but i am very hard hearted. anybody who willingly spoils the peace of my family is not given a second chance. i made that mistake with MIL by giving her multiple chances. now no more.

SGBV · Nov 4, 2016

Lakshmi6197 said: ↑

The point where you and i differ is that according to you anybody who sends his/her patents to an old age home is cold hearted with questionable morals.
Click to expand...

Please read my thread carefully dear. Have I ever said that ALL who send their parents to old age homes are cold hearted?
It is rather tiring to see that you are saying this after having wasted this much time in this thread.
I have repeatedly stated in this thread about the exceptional cases and how we shouldn't judge them.
Eg: special medical attention, Alzheimer cases, infectious illnesses and other practical problems to name.
Whom I referred cold in my post was the one who chose to revenge on an elderly helpless rather invalid person for their past abusive behaviour.
Where I differ is that I personally believe it is not the time to take revenge.
I believe it takes a very cold heart to throw an elderly invalid person out of your home in the name of revenge.

Our friend @coolgal123 says it is ok and names this as justice. According to her anyone who misbehave has to face the consequences.
While it is technically right, and there is a logic behind it, I don't think any one with a good heart can't stand this.
Even you and I or our friend coolgal won't do this to our worst enemies. Then how come we expect the children of the elders (although they were bad elders) do this to their parents????
Because unlike your SILs I never blamed the DILs for this. I kept on saying it is the children's responsibility.

Hope it is clear

Lakshmi6197 · Nov 4, 2016

Laxmikrsnan said: ↑

Hi SGBV

As you rightly said it is a sensitive topic..

I had personally counselled an old parent to take refuge in old age home... The issue was both her children were living abroad and she was 70+ living all alone in a whopping 2500 sq.ft. apartment. Her paranoia being what would happen if she was found dead one day morning... it went to the extent of she giving spare keys of her apartment to the Association Secretary and also to her kids abroad...

In peculiar cases like this, it is of course quintessential that they be given a safer and secure environ to sleep peacefully

Otherwise, if children are here in the country in the same place, whatever be the issue, it is our bound duty to take care of the aged at our own houses...

Best Regards
Laxmikrsnan
Radheshyam
Click to expand...

What is the proportion of daughters you know who provide equal care for their old parents as their sons? Yes parents should be cared for. But what are the repercussions for daughters who refuse to take care of their parents - we are not interested in the reasons as potential problems in the family are not acceptable reasons for sons. I am not talking of what should be - i am talking of what is. Thank you.