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What Is The Solution?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, Jan 16, 2021.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I have a relative who is my second cousin’s wife and my co sister whom we meet often..they love parties.

    Problem is that second cousin wife acts like family and puts me in the back burner.My co sister is also okay with that.She is not a bad person but she is more supportive of the other girl than me.


    When it comes to me..My co sister passive aggressively discourages me,quieter with me but with that other girl,she is very encouraging and jovial.

    I can clearly see..especially even if I want to invite my co sister alone,the cousins wife will push herself to meet us or my co sister will invite her to my house even before I know..


    The second cousin’s wife overdoes chores in my co sisters house,even ready to sweep kitchen floor when we meet,plus talks accordingly to how my co sister likes and they get along very well.

    They do not realize it hurts to make the family member the guest and guest the family member.

    For eg: even if I want to help in the kitchen,I need to check with that cousin’s wife..they both will work together and I will be left alone in the couch.

    My brother in law also
    Blindly supports my co sister and never corrects her mistakes.
    He is basically good but too much of a blind support.

    Whenever we meet,it is me who has to include myself in their conversation and most of the time they are so engaged with each other.

    My husband says I should adjust,tolerate.

    Is it worth fighting to be accepted?I just feel like I should walk away..

    Either way..I know I will only be blamed.However..it eats my peace of mind.Should I just cut them off?

    The second cousin’s wife is very scheming and I have dealt with her rudeness and attitude.I moved away and now all is better but since kids are friends and so many family getogethers..tough to avoid.

    either I have to tolerate but Everytime we meet..they will just have a stern face and after I break the ice,they will be fine. But it is me who have to adjust Everytime.

    What can be done here? I am
    Sure they will blame me
    Entirely which cannot be avoided..

    I have no support from any side..
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
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  2. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    The OP description reminded me of decades ago problem of how our kid felt excluded by a group of other kids. I can not remember how we got through that. That was also the time with no google to look up things.

    And these days, when we need something technical deciphered, we ask the kids. Perhaps they have solutions to deal with the "mean girls" problem.

    The followig may be useful to help the inner child also.
    Six Ways to Help Your Child Deal with Social Exclusion

    [​IMG]
     
    anika987 likes this.
  3. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Why are you having so many gatherings during Covid time?
     
    Anusha2917 and anika987 like this.
  4. Metamorphic

    Metamorphic Gold IL'ite

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    Never! You should never fight for someone’s time, love & attention. If it’s not freely given, it’s not worth having. We cannot force relationships.

    Give a break to yourself and these parties. If they both are getting along very well, let them. You have no control on that or any relationship wherein you are not a party.

    I know it hurts to be left out in your own family gatherings. It hurts real bad. But do not expect anybody to realise the pain you are going through, when you don’t tell them. It's not fair to expect your BIL to “correct his wife’s mistake”, esp. when he doesn’t have a clue of what’s brewing between the ladies of the house.

    If you are comfortable enough with your BIL and co-sis to let them know how you feel, then do so. Preferably, when you receive the next party invite. If you don’t have that comfort, then you have no much choice. Party or peace, you have to pick one and move on. Forcing yourself to be accepted, going out of your way to get their attention, finding topics to strike a conversation and include yourself ... you cannot do all these for long. There is something called dignity. Do not stoop below that. Not worth it!
     
    anika987 likes this.
  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for the reply..

    I actually acted weird last time..did not speak to anyone..at the end,that other girl became a good person and I feel am left out...

    family became the guest and guest became family..

    we were happy once and this person came between but won’t fully blame her also...my co sister also
    Preferred her.

    If it was about friends..I won’t care.It is easier to walk out but when family is involved..tough to take decision.

    Hate it when a third person comes between family.
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    those ladies love getogethers especially the cousins wife.not big gatherings.

    I bluntly said no..and she broke to tears etc and hubby said that I will look like the bad person and should not refuse and act all is
    Okay..


    the kids are best friends and it it tough to say no..
     
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Learn to enjoy your own company, they will come to you!
     
    Rihana likes this.
  8. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    I have observed this at parties. I recall times when I was sitting alone but obviously enjoying my own company and at peace, looking around confidently, not paying undue attention to the samosa and appetizers in my Corelle or Dixie quarter plate. : ) Sooner or later, another guest would come join me or at least stop by and chat on the way to the food area.

    Long ago, at weddings, I used to often find one distant aunt or someone sitting by themselves but calm and content. Such people make others curious about their calm demeanor, I guess.
     
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2021
    KashmirFlower, Mistt and mbharani like this.
  9. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    I lived up to my late twenty's in India, and was living the 'IT" life, so obviously there was no concept of a "party" . Before marriage, the few times I have been to pubs, it was always with friends .
    But after marriage, when I went to weddings (especially in-law weddings), the husband would leave me hanging and join his relatives and I would often be left sitting around not knowing what to do (these were pre-smart phone times, so no looking at phone either). These times, I have seen these "distant" aunts, just "people watching" with a smile. Later, I started doing it too, just watching people going about and trying to guess their backstories. I could not believe how entertaining it actually was!!!
     
    KashmirFlower and Rihana like this.

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